Sunday, January 27, 2013

as i once was

photo by Christopher

'Killer!'
           my son screams,
                                    'Murderer!'

and the truth is I am,
hot tears track his face, shaking,
red faced, he's hysterical

'Go to your room,'
(I need space)
              sitting to look at my hands,
these deadly hands---
                   it's not so much

the disrespect or vehemence
         he spews
that's disturbing,
we'll work through them

it's what i've lost
pushing me into the couch,
my heart into the grinder
            til flesh sparks

that looking at the five or six
Legos, i had seen
             something to clean up,
not a snail,
            a living thing
                  his hands had wrought

i feel so old / cold
& need to find
where i've misplaced my child-
hood imagination---before
it's gone,
          for good---perhaps

on the curb, bags packed
as i once was.

83 comments:

otin said...

Poor kid! You killed it!

Secret Agent Woman said...

Aww. Fortunately, kids are resilient.

Heaven said...

I like the snippet of your family life Brian ~ The ending lines spoke to me, not to forget our childhood imagination, and not to forget our growing up too ~

Happy Sunday ~

farmlady said...

Oh the intensity of a child's world.
I remember these moments...the realization of your child's reality. Inadvertently destroying a world of imagination in a moment of... "I didn't even think about it."
Take a deep breath.
Wonderful poem.
kids may be resilient, but parents even more so.

dsnake1 said...

don't kill your imagination!

farawayinthesunshine said...

Oh those moments when we fallout of grace with our children...How carelessly we sometimes destroy their creations...

I'd say your inner child is still very close...given all the games you play with your family...

How about...setting a killer-free zone, somewhere in a small space...where it won't bother you?

kaykuala said...

One thing we can appreciate, a child will blurt out exactly how he feels. To shop for solutions would be more accurate. Damage control can zero on to the real thing. Nicely Brian!

Hank

ayala said...

:( I feel him and you!

Claudia said...

ugh..yes..we tend to forget, even though we think we will never.. moving write bri...love your heart and honesty in this

Myrna R. said...

Sometimes it's hard to keep that inner child alive. Thanks for the reminder. I'm sure both your inner child and your child are fine though. It was an honest mistake. This is sort of a lesson in how we view art too. To you the snail needed clean-up, to your son it needed to be seen. Oh life and it's many complications. Have a good day. Don't stop cleaning up. Your wife will def still appreciate your effort.

izzy said...

Hard to undo those occasional lapses of attention! -and explain them to a budding artiste ? Ahh well my friend
I do not wish to be in your shoes surrounding that! thanks- :)

Daniel said...

I have been on the wrong end of a couple of these in the past. I hated it for both of us.

Mark said...

You dismantled his lego snail? Poor kid. Although I myself was never much of a lego kid.

Geraldine said...

You're a great dad Brian, all will be forgiven and forgotten. But maybe a bit of a reminder for you at the same time, which was a good thing.

It must be fun to relive so many "kid" things as a parent. I envy you that (in a good way!)

Happy Week, G

Kelvin S.M. said...

...sometimes things like this must happen...it's inherent...let's just take it as part of the learning & growing process both to you & your son... everything will be alright....

smiles...

rosaria williams said...

Wait till they decide to forgo all meat, and you're still enjoying your burger and chicken wings!

Tabor said...

Someone has the temperament of an artist it seems.

ND Mitchell said...

Know this feeling. At present surrounded by very real and living toy story toys :-)

Vicki Lane said...

Awww... A child's imagination is so strong.

Poet Laundry said...

Speechless Brian. Wow. You nailed it. We can get it back right?

Annmarie Pipa said...

and that is why we are to be childlike...the eyes of the child see the amazing spider with those legs and eyes and web...and when the adult sees the same thing, squish!

Betsy Brock said...

Aww. My first thought was that somebody is over-tired. (not you! ha)
May many more lego snails be made today. :)

Mary said...

So very sad... A child sees 'life' in the snail; and you just see something to get rid of. I understand both points of view. But you did not know...could not have known...really. Once childhood passes, there ARE some things lost.

^.^ said...

This piece really touched my very soul ... he will heal ... you will, too, B ... it will be a memory in no time ... I remember sending my kids inside, because we had to kill a calf with frozen front legs ... it was heartbreaking for all of us ... not the same scenario, I know, but still the same in a way. PS: Sorry, calving season is upon us, so that's all I'm thinking about right now ...

Kathy's Klothesline said...

Of the six children I raised, not one escaped hating me at one time or another. Sometimes I deserved it, but most often I didn't and was heard to reply, "Well,right now, I don't like you very much either." We always hurt the ones we love .......

happygirl said...

The beauty of a lego snail... they can be resurrected.

Mama Zen said...

Oh, Brian! I know how this feels, and it ain't good.

Leovi said...

Just an amazing poem, like a torrent.

Optimistic Existentialist said...

Well I sure one day he will find it in his heart to forgive your transgression :)

anthonynorth said...

Ah, that bond follows a tricky pathway. Nice one.

Tracey said...

To me it was less of the the killing of the snail and more the killing of his hard work. Just my take. Been there, done that with all four of my kids. If only parenting were easy!

Laurie Kolp said...

Such are the ups and downs of parenting... just wait til those teenage years (but remember it's just another stage like babies have and will pass). You're a great dad, Brian.

Tara Miller said...

To be young again and full of imagination! Some days it feels that is lost. Just remember, it's still there - just dig deep (I have to remember that a lot!)! You're so good at bringing your imagination out, this was just slip in cleaning up. He's long forgot about it now and still loves you and all your craziness. Poor snail. heehee

Fireblossom said...

I think this is one of your best.

Gloria said...

I think is really difficult teach our kids really difficult, but dont forget Im sure your son really loves you dear Brian!
The kids are so passionate with their things!

Gloria said...

Im agree with Tara, just read now:)

Pat Hatt said...

haha you killed the poor snail
That made a killer wail
I guess you'll have to brave the weather
And put those legos back together
Can be hard to hold onto the wonder
Just can't let the 9-5 plunder

flaubert said...

Oh, are the woes of childbearing, Brian. I am sure he has moved on from the episode. Children are like that.

Pamela

hedgewitch said...

This is excellent brian. I was thinking today as I walked the dog and saw a couple of kids climbing *up* the metal tongue of the slide instead of sliding down it how we lose the elasticity of mind children have to look at the world simply, and through eyes without preconceptions. If you love something, then yes, for you it's alive.

Syd said...

That must hurt, man, for your kid to say that because I know how much he means to you. But I'm sure that he won't hold it against you, especially after you talk to him about it. I wasn't allowed to express those kinds of feelings without a lot of punishment when I was a kid. So I learned to suppress which isn't good either.

Joanna Jenkins said...

Ohh, I've heard these words before from Godson-- they broke my heart then and this breaks my heart now.

Ravenblack said...

Aw. I'm sure he'll be alright in a bit. He has made something he liked and probably injected personality into it. Such is the wonder and power of a child's imagination -- ability to put life into things.

Fred Rutherford said...

strong Brian. Love how you took us right into the child's realm. Nicely done. Thanks

Lorraine said...

It's distrubing, it's hurting you, I don't like that...but you always come through no matter what, and you will this time too, that, I know :)

Lolamouse said...

Brian,
I felt your pain in this one. The fact that this episode made you think about yourself, about imagination, and about your son speaks to how great a father you are. Never underestimate the power of an apology (after he calms down, of course!)

the walking man said...

The imagination matures in direct proportion to the imaginations we are currently guiding...

Dave King said...

A perfect write-up of where we've all been at some time. I wish I'd seen befoe I retired. I think I would have framed it (with permission, of course!) and had it on the wall of my office. Such an easy trap to fall into, and when we don't, like as not we fall into its opposite. Thing is about adults with a childish imagination: it comes out all wrong: childish, and not child-like.

manicddaily said...

Oh dear. Well-described. These things happen. One answer - put the snail in a better place! This is the sterner, more defensive, parent in me, who's been through a lot of clean-up! A lot of balancing to do, always. k.

JANU said...

As parents we must do some awful things ourselves...which will benefit our kids though. Everything will be ok. Don't beat yourself up. Keep your imagination going.

JJ Roa Rodriguez said...

hugs Sir!...

JJRod'z

Eva Gallant said...

It's sad how we tend to somehow leave that wonderful childhood imagination behind.

Vodka Mom said...

Long live the imagination!!!!

Valerie said...

Don't feel bad, Brian, it was all about growing up ... and remembering how to learn.

Katherine Krige said...

Letting go of those guilty moments is the best thing you can do for yourself Brian. He won't remember the incident a month, week or day from now. Showing our human side, our fallible side, is the best lesson for our children some days. I'm sure you didn't meant o deliberately hurt him, so stop hurting yourself over it too

Heather said...

i love this! been there....and felt the same.
who said this parenting this was easy.
snowy monday here....having a hard time getting the mojo going!

Heather said...

i love this! been there....and felt the same.
who said this parenting this was easy.
snowy monday here....having a hard time getting the mojo going!

AmyLK said...

ooops! been there, heard that! Yes, you will work through his feelings and I KNOW you will find the childhood imagination.... Its there, just at the bottom of the pile of adult things needing your attention. Tara is right!

Stranger said...

Beautifully told.
My son recently came home from school with a report that said he was a bit more emotional than normal - when I talked to him about it he said he was upset because a peer destroyed his lego creation and laughed about it. He was crushed. I too forget how strong the imagination is and how fragile and alive what we create becomes.

Laura said...

beautiful poem... the reality of destroying our children's fantasies only grows as they do... and all we can do/be is loving in return, in the spaces we create, they create as they distance themselves from us... praying one day, they will see the life giver within us again.

Other Mary said...

Awww...you're such a good dad. And a good writer. That's a killer ending.

mywordwall said...

Oh no! You ruined your son's construction. I commiserate with you. The other day, I tossed my child's drawing of a game 'prototype' in the trash bin. He was in tears and I felt bad. Good news is, we both recovered from it and he drew some more. Your son will get over the heartbreak and you will too with a little more insight in a child's lively world. :-)

Yousei Hime said...

Even beyond my marriage relationship, I think I am most vulnerable to the fear of destroying the bond with my sons. Terrifying. They recover much faster than I do. Yours will too, if they haven't already. :)

Lyn said...

Childhood imagination...hard to get it back, but a dad like you really knows what it is!

darsden said...

awe.. :-(

Paul said...

It's forever a challenge getting into the mind of a child. I suppose I am a teacher in part to experience some of the innocence you lose as you get older or more to the point had forgotten is inside all of us awaiting to resurface.

Stephanie said...

Oh the guilt! Been there and done that, thankfully the little one's are quickly to forgive.

Luke Prater said...

So very human and expressed exquisitely -- the relationshop with your son, but moreover, with your inner child -- the fear of losing him as you get older because you saw lego to tidy up and not the snail... I think this is brilliant and so moving. Bravo.

Vesper said...

Such a strong poem! And sentiments...
I am still a child, even when dealing with my children. :-)
Brian, I wanted to say thank you for visiting my blog and I discovered yours... Wonderful!

Vesper said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Vesper said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Vesper said...

I'm really sorry for messing up your comments... I have absolutely no idea how the same thing appeared thrice - then I deleted the extra two...
Sorry again! :-)

RMP said...

this is wrought with emotions; so intense I feel for the Lego snail and the loss of childhood you speak of. beautifully done—if not a bit scary.

Sue said...

Holding on to that ability to see the world through a child's eyes is hard, isn't it? And I agree, it's sad when we lose that.

However, the fact that you care so much bodes well.

;)

Okie said...

Painfully I can relate. Tragic.

Hilary said...

Awww.. he'll get over it. And he'll understand the very first time he steps on one of his own kidlets' lego piece.. barefoot. ;)

Alice Audrey said...

Don't beat yourself up over it. You can't be expected to recognize every Lego snail you step on.

my heart's love songs said...

oh, Brian! unfortunately, we can't make it through our children's lives without unintentionally causing some hurt. what lasts is the love, and i know you give your boys plenty of that!

Teri M said...

Totally been there. Both as a child and an adult!

Timoteo said...

I once had a girlfriend who was like pineapple...you could say she was a little tart.

Lydia said...

This broke my heart for you more than your boy, Brian. But, wow, you sure needn't worry about losing that child magic of your own. It is right here in the poem. I have read this three times now it is so powerful and makes me feel the scene so deeply.

lori mcclure said...

Oh, parenthood can bring you to your knees faster than anything else. The high and lows can provide a bit of whiplash for sure. The fact that you took the time to capture the moment shows your imagination is still quite present and very whole :)

Goofball said...

come on, it was so obvious they were snails....always when lego's have that slimy trail

Sheila said...

aw, that's rough. what a great opportunity to teach him about mistake making and forgiveness (and humbleness.) Hope all is well now.