Thursday, November 15, 2012

MeetingTheBar: 82

turn off the lights

Unlike yesterday.
Unlike last week.
Unlike any day
the last twelve weeks,
i'll eat all my lunch

& Monday, over the shoulder
of his aide, reading Macbeth,
he makes faces at me & i,
him, until she catches on & he's
in trouble, as i slip away

neither of us
knowing

the horses already left the gate
rounding turns to the post

or the suffering, rat burrowing
through intestines
to gnaw my spine

in 4th block, Government class,
at the desk,
where we shared
the last bit of my lunch,
each day, bribing him
awake,

at finding the seat
next to me
full
of emptiness.

tomorrow,
i'll eat all my lunch

but today,
i couldn't eat
a damn thing.

Over at dVerse Poets today, Victoria has us writing literary allusion, a little homage to those that made an impact in how we right. Love him or hate him, Buk has def influenced my style in many ways. The inclusion of the horse racing is a slight nod to him as well. Meeting the Bar opens at 3 pm EST.

Yesterday, four students were in a car wreck on the way to our school. Two of them killed. One of them mine. One of my SPED kids that I knew really well. 82 was his football jersey number. He was to attend a college in western North Carolina to continue playing. I am quite busted up over it and held off the real emotional pieces I wrote this evening because it's still really raw. Best I got today.

95 comments:

kaykuala said...

No.#1
What fun!

Hank

Wander said...

Brian, I am do sorry that you have to go this... you are a good man...

Lorraine said...

oh God, I'm so sorry Brian, sorry for you, for the parents for their friends...oh man, that hurts, I give you a big hug...and send prayers to the family

Steve E said...

Man, you are so right, to let us know what is going on, especially during the really tough times.

And the good times.

I feel all this way, the horribleness of what happened. "Everything happens do that something else can happen" is what I write sometimes. But WHAT ELSE CAN HAPPEN?

Man I will feel your emotional and physical/mental pains here today.

Wish I was there to have coffee and talk........

kaykuala said...

Brian,
Sorry if my first comment is out of turn here. Was moving fast.

There's a lot of emotional strings flailing here, the unfortunate accident and all. Sorry it took a toll on you, sir! Life has to go on. You took it well though!

Hank

Secret Agent Woman said...

Oh, I'm sorry. It's such a waste when kids die.

Daniel said...

Praying.

the walking man said...

He wasn't Bukowski but he was the next best thing.

Richard Brautigan - '35-'84

Karma Repair Kit: Items 1-4

1.
Get enough food to eat,
and eat it.


2.
Find a place to sleep where it is quiet, and sleep there.


3.
Reduce intellectual and emotional noise until you arrive at the silence of yourself,and listen to it.


4.

ladyfi said...

Oh no - I am so very sad to hear your news. A moving tribute - wiping away a tear here.

Dave King said...

Not sure about tomorrow, but ask me and I'll say it's always best not to resist!

Pat Hatt said...

The rat chewing your spine
You need to call forth a feline
To rid yourself of the thing
Might wanna use both that occupy your wing
That is awful in everyway
Just when things go good for one on display
The lights shut off and darkness comes
Simply sucks donkey bums

SueAnn Lommler said...

Hugging you!!!
SueAnn

DJan said...

Oh, Brian. This is so sad. Sending you hugs through cyberspace and so sorry for your loss. This really sucks.

Brandee Shafer said...

I'm so sorry, dear friend. Bowing low on your behalf, today, and that of these families. Only the good.....

Brian Miller said...

it does...and thanks for the love....i imagine today will be another long rough day here...already talked to one kid that was not here yesterday...hugs and prayers def appreciated.

Susan said...

You've got hugs and prayers, as I hold you and your students in the light. Please check your spine, don't want to let the rats play there or let them gnaw through your intestines. Build 'em strong, that's all we can do. Hold in your heart those lunches together--though the chair may be empty, those lunches are not. Perhaps a few friends/students will join you there for a memorial.

The Bug said...

I'm so sorry to hear this Brian. My husband got his Master's at Western Carolina (I imagine that's where the guy was headed?). I'm sure they're pretty broken up too.

farawayinthesunshine said...

I am so sorry...Sending prayers to this young man's family...hoping you will be OK

Laurie Kolp said...

Oh, Brian... I'm so sorry to hear this horrible news. Prayers for everyone involved.

Adura Ojo said...

Sorry to hear about your student, Brian. It just hurts that much more when a young person dies. The emotional tug carries over in the poem but not overtly so. Good that you held back. It can be hard though. So...well done, Brian.

Valerie said...

Those poor kids. Along with their families you must be devastated. When something like that happens it's like taking a hard punch between the eyes. Hugs from me.

Old Ollie said...

What a rough place to be.

My sympathy as a fellow teacher.

hedgewitch said...

Sincere condolences, brian. No words can take away that pain, I know, but the words you write yourself do help at least face it. And facing it is part of continuing, which we do, because people need us to. Such a waste.

Anna Montgomery said...

My angel will leave my side to sit with you at lunch today.

flaubert said...

Brian, I am so sorry to hear that. What a difficult situation to deal with.

Excellent write.

Pamela

Grandmother said...

It's so tragic to lose the young ones. My heart goes out to you and their families. I like the advice Walking Man gave. Number 4 is to repeat the above 3 until centered again. Don't forget to let the kids talk. Lots.

Lisa said...

The last lines of the poem just broke the dam. I pray you'll for the family for patience and acceptance.

CiCi said...

It hurts because you feel and connect on many levels with the students. You see them as people and you see their potential. There has to be a lesson in this for you. Find it, my friend.

Pat said...

Oh Brian, you describe your pain and emptiness so well. Sorry for your loss. You do get close to the kids working with them every day.

Jenny said...

Oh, Brian, I am so, so sorry. I was a "sub" in school and my husband taught students {vocational}....I know how close you get with the kids. Many times you feel like they are one of your own.More words will not help diminish your feelings.

ReBelle said...

I feel your pain. A student I taught for 5 years went off to VA TECH and didn't make it out of her freshman year, victim of that horrendous massacre.

Magpie said...

Oh, Brian. When we immerse ourselves in the day to day lives of young people who are going through so many transitions and connect with them and care for them, we are bound to suffer. I am sorry for the loss that your community of family and friends will have to endure.

Sue said...

Thanks for loving those kids, Brian. It makes you vulnerable, but they so need it.

Sending prayers your way.

(hugs, too)

Myrna R. said...

It's amazing that you can write at all Brian. So sorry for this loss. I can imagine this will upset the routines at school and def the flow of your heart. This sure does hurt.

Alice Audrey said...

Hugs.

I wondered what prompted this one, and if the empty seat was going to stay that way forever.

turtlememoir said...

Oh Brian, that is so sad about the kids, I can totally understand the not being able to eat... The poem is deeply felt, especially poignant is
"finding the seat
next to me
full
of emptiness"

turtlememoir said...

Oh Brian, that is so sad about the kids, I can totally understand the not being able to eat... The poem is deeply felt, especially poignant is
"finding the seat
next to me
full
of emptiness"

turtlememoir said...

Oh Brian, that is so sad about the kids, I can totally understand the not being able to eat... The poem is deeply felt, especially poignant is
"finding the seat
next to me
full
of emptiness"

Claudia said...

the part that brought tears to my eyes is that with neither of you knowing the horses already left the gate..made me swallow hard cause it speaks about how we're not able at all to control life, how we're not able to know what is even 2 minutes away and everything can change in a few seconds..sending prayers your way bri and hope the day is not too rough on you..

She Writes said...

Ooooohhhhhhhhh, I'm sorry.

LadyCat said...

I am so sorry for the loss in your life and for all he touched. Sending wishes for peace of mind and strength of soul to you all.

manicddaily said...

That is just terrible. Just awful. So sorry. Poem fine, but reality way too sad. k.

Daydreamertoo said...

Sighs... I felt this, all the way through to the rat burrowing through your intestines to gnaw at your spine.
I hope and pray this wasn't another accident which involves texting. As I said to someone else yesterday, this texting is now killing more people than drink driving ever has. It's especially killing the young.
Heartfelt piece.
So sorry and sad to read this Brian. Hugs and yes, prayers too.

Ella said...

Sending you hugs...
so much pain in this view
I could feel it....
Yes, sending prayers...
I feel the sear of your words...

Ella said...

I'm choked at the ending of your words...so sad so sorry..
and a Mustang...
I feel connected to you and your grief, it is mine...(((hugs)))

Mary said...

Things happen so quickly and unexpectedly sometime. Share a lunch space with someone one week and the next week their chair is empty. Hard, hard, hard, and what a horror when it is a young person who was planning his future and was filled with potential. Your poem captured feelings, Brian. A good one.

Margaret said...

Oh Brian... I saw your comment on Ella's page. I'm not sure I will ever be able to look at another Mustang in quite the same way. Life is difficult ... but you do make it a much more enjoyable place, especially for those kids you teach. I'm not sure there is a more important job, mentoring, caring about, our youth. Hugs sent your way.

Eva Gallant said...

It's such a tragedy when young ones are taken from us. As a former teacher, I remember the closeness you can feel towards those students. So sorry. Hugs.

Mama Zen said...

I'm sorry about your loss, Brian. It's tough when you lose one of your kids like that.

Susan Daniels said...

Brian--I am so sorry. There are no words for losses like this one. My heart goes out to his family, his parents, and his friends--including you.

jane hewey said...

I am so sorry for your loss, Brian. sending love and hugs to you.

awakenedwords said...

just sucks man (event, not poem) no way around it. Still amazed at what you do and what you must deal with...

The Empress said...

Oh my gosh, Brian.

I can't even imagine...the promise of a life, over before the book was written.

Devastation, for so many.

I could cry ... that age, that eternal hopeful age...

I am so sorry.

anotherwanderingsoul said...

so very sorry to hear this.
i admire your courage to write about it, such a touching poem.

Nico said...

Very, very good. A moving, honest memorial.

Gerry Snape said...

Brian...so sorry about this....it's that corner again...never being able to see around it. so difficult...takes the wind out of your very mouth.

Rachel Hoyt said...

I'm so sorry to hear about that bus accident. I'm sending big hugs to you and the other families affected. Beautiful poem.

Ginny Brannan said...

Thanks for sharing something through your grief. As always, your writing took us right to the heart of the matter.

Such a horrible thing...to be taken before their lives have really begun. Life just really sucks sometimes...
My thoughts go out to you and the families of those children.

Victoria said...

Damn. I reread this after reading your process notes. The first read was painful with a certain mystery surrounding it. The second brought tears to my eyes and the same gut wrench. I am so sorry. So sad.

Tara Miller said...

A tough read knowing the impact it's had on you and the school community. I can only imagine how you felt writing this and the other pieces to come....

Glenn Buttkus said...

Brother, with your spiritual background, and your poet's soul, you know inside you somewhere adjacent to the pain, to the wrenching emotion, that these young people faced their "time", and their absence is the stuff of literature, of poetry, of daydreams over brown paper lunch sacks, over period bells, over jackhammers, and the odd laughter out on the grounds; Buk and I have a bit of a relationship too.

Liz @ A Nut in a Nutshell said...

Life snuffed out way too soon. What a horrible trauma. So sorry for all that knew them.

Yummy Bone said...

If words could fix it, I would give you the entire lexicon in sorrow. Take it easy Brian, really sad news.

Tina said...

I'm so sorry to hear of this horrid loss. I pray you give yourself time to heal. Thanks for sharing what's going on. Praying for you.
Tina @ Life is Good
http://kmdlifeisgood.blogspot.com/

Evelyn Adams said...

Oh Brian, thats terrible. I am so sorry.
Your gift shines during good times and bad.

pandamoniumcat said...

Very sorry, it's sad when such young lives are taken. Eating your lunch alone, the seat of emptiness...such emotional lines. Sorry for your loss, that's a tough one.

missing moments said...

Brian, so sorry for the loss of someone so young.
Through the thick walls of sadness
questions tumble out
but there are no answers in the wind

Buddah Moskowitz said...

Wonderful poem, brother, so sad for the loss. (Your Buk pedigree is not obvious, which is good IMHO and I love Buk.)

Stay strong, Mosk

Cloudia said...

DEAR FRIEND Bri-

Condolences and tears, Brother



Aloha to all who hurt
Comfort Spiral

~ > < } } ( ° >

> < 3 3 3 ( ' >

Karen said...

So sorry, Brian. Unfortunately, I do know how you feel. I lost two very special students, one to suicide and one to a car wreck. The sight of that empty desk is almost too much. I hope time and the others who loved them will help you heal. You'll never forget.

ninotaziz said...

Brian,
I am so sorry to hear of your loss. So much promise. So much pain. I hear it in the poem.

Take care.

How do you reassure the students today? What do you say?

Perhaps that will help you through.

Betsy Brock said...

So very sorry.

This has happened here a few times...once to one of Taylor's friends. Hard few weeks ahead.

Hugs and prayers...

henry clemmons said...

I am saddened greatly by what happened and feel for you, Brian. I pray for peace for all involved. Your piece touched my heart without reading your note. But I am glad you shared. We all needed to know; we family.

Sheila said...

ugh. I am so sorry for your loss. prayers for God for you and all affected. Until you meet again.

Poet Laundry said...

Wow...so sorry Brian...deeply felt this, brought tears...you wrote it out so well.

afterhisimage said...

hoe you are doing well Brian.....sorry to hear of the accident...was a bit teary eyed from my poem, now this..

Just recently purchased three of Bukowski's recent books..that man had some power with all that brutal honesty.

vivinfrance said...

Just popped in to return the compliment! This poem sent me reeling from line to line, not knowing which way's up. You did it! Now eat up like a good poet.

Fred Rutherford said...

That's tragic Brian. I feel for you and his family as well. Accidents are the worst, well outside of murder, but they come out of nowhere and snuff out potential. Glad to hear you wrote though, I find that when I'm in a bad way, I write and even if I those workings never see the light of day, they served an integral part in the healing process. Strong piece here Brian. Will keep his soul in my prayers

kkkkaty said...

...wonderful raw write from you with the accident fresh in everyone's minds and hearts..hard to someone so young and with promise..condolences..

A Cuban In London said...

I'm really, really sorry about your student. I can see the rawness in the poem coming through. I loved it, despite the sad backdrop.

Many thanks.

Greetings from London.

Sabio Lantz said...

Wow, I had to re-read after hearing the background -- then the poem was very sad. Sorry for the loss.

Nilanjana Bose said...

I am so very sorry to hear about your student...such a terrible thing to have to go through...so tragic..and your verse shows the agony you must feel..wishing you and their families strength and peace.

Raven said...

Brian, I am deeply sorry for your loss.

adan said...

your current employ continues to impact and impact, our hearts to the young people injured and killed, and to those so closely touched...

Raivenne said...

Sorry you're going through this; love and peace to you Brian. Glad you're writing it out as it comes to you. You write and heal, we'll read and send prayers.

Cressida de Nova said...

Take care Brian
Stay strong.
Hugs.

Tracie Skarbo said...

Brian I am so sorry to hear of your recent loss... my heart is with you.

Syd said...

I am so sorry, dude. I know how much you care about those kids. And to die so young. Such a tragedy.

Helen said...

Your pain seeps through every word of the poem ... I am so sorry.

Gloria said...

really so sad dear Brian, I dont have words only understand your pain and your angry yes I understand, have peace!
Prayers with you sorry I dont come before, these was crazy days here!

Hilary said...

Oh Brian, I'm so sorry for this indescribable loss. I wish you, your students and the child's family the strength needed to get through this heartache. Big hugs to you.

Barbara said...

Wow. I am so saddened by this post and send prayers and peace your way. Those who love the most and give of themselves as you do, hurt the most. I will pray for you and the students and especially the parents . Peace be with you.

ayala said...

Brian, I am so sorry. Heartbreaking.

lori mcclure said...

I am so sorry, Brian. That is heartbreakingly awful. Prayers for you and the families even if I'm a little late :(

my heart's love songs said...

i'm so sorry for your loss, Brian! *hugs*