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| Fair, Buchanan, VA |
it's like having your head in a plastic bag
ing air through a pin hole
someone mercifully left, you
CaN't kEEp iTup
clARity fogs each eXhalation
conStricts as yoU suCK & SUck
my son asks, "can i---",
whatever
comes next has dollar signs attached
even simple requests like a coke
when it's hot & i count backwards, back words
& numbers, assigning priority, cause twenty bucks is thin
cushion when you fall each month
& there's all-
ways shoes, tires or gas needed, doctor
bill deductibles, food for the table, barely able
some months & there is only so many ways to mix
the same ingredients before the tongue goes
numb & no is all i can say, i knowthere are greater things, but explanations
ring hollow no, No, nO (sorry) No
but---nO
i suCK & SUck, hope
the hole don't clog up,
iN-adequate
i chose this
help-ing & took my heart off the plate
before they carved it in so many edible pieces
but on really bad days consider going back
to the bank & screwing people
out their money, cause i made a mint
& lived comfortable
but i can't
written for Poetry Jam.
we were asked to write about our personal challenges and mine is one most guys can probably relate to, the feeling of being unable to provide for the family with which you are entrusted. i def dont think of the big things but times i have to say no to the simple things because of lack of money, i(t) suck(s)
also submitted to Theme Thursday for 'Temptation'
Posts
71 comments:
One
I understand this for sure, Brian. It is the little things that kids can't understand why not, as they don't cost much....but like you say, all added together, they matter. Ya, sometimes it 'sucks.'
I can so so relate to your words ~
I appreciate the honest write (Inadequate and choices) because there are a lot of expectations for the men to be the able provider. Our children will understand, but yes, it sucks on the everyday stuff ~
Those words are the ones my husband hears in his head sometimes, I promise you, Brian.
I still don't think any of you men "suck". It's a matter of being there, day-in and day out regardless of you hard it is. Eight now the money is tight, too tight maybe but it'll come back.
Yes, it sucks and I so can relate to this one being a single parent and not on any welfare at all. I know all about robbing Peter to pay Paul. But, you know Brian, saying 'No' also teaches them that they can't have anything and everything just because they 'want' This is so much of what is going wrong with society these days. The rich and the TV media show us all what it is to have gold bath taps and toilet seat to *Shit* in and spend all their plastic money on plastic faces and boobs flaunting their wealth and the great divide between the have and have nots keeps growing and the have not kids want what they can't afford and so their parents go into huge debt to get it for them, or, the kids turn into stealing it for themselves. So, to say 'No' to your kids needs to happen to teach them that, they can't always have an 'I want' filled and, maybe they need to somehow earn them.
But, I feel every word because, I too am there.
they won't remember the things they didn't get
they'll remember your love
and you being there
so suck on
It does suck to have to struggle so each and every day. Hope it gets better for you!
Well, that sucks! :-)
Yeah it sucks to high hell
That I can tell
Just getting by myself
Sucks in and off itself
Can't imagine having to say no
To them at your show
Must suck even more
And can get not wanting all the crap that goes along with the bank job at your shore
Although the money is grand
Not good if you can't stand
Oh I can relate! We go through very thin times and walk a razor thin edge.
however it is important for those around us to learn the value of No...
(Just now they have changed my blog template here and want me to choose something; a format? & I don't understand.-I can't always
find my reading list. I wish I could figure out what I need to do.No more
Dashboard?)
The small things matter the most to the kids sometimes...and yes, they will remember your love but they will remember the NOs for a long time. It is that the life is a bitch...we all strive to be better..don't we?
I have been there at times and can relate to the pressure, the feelings, the anguish, the anxiety, the worry. Praying that you will find your way in this season.
Oh how I relate to the comment offered by Suz. It's only hard on us, Brian; if handled properly the kids take it in their stride. Some even try to help. I know, I've walked that path as well.
I echo what Suz and Valerie said. I grew up in the most modest of circumstances (most of my friends having the newest and best 'stuff') .. I look back on those years and realize I had a million times more than they had. ~ so will your boys ~
I think it's good for kids to be told no and to understand the challenges of daily living rather than having everything handed over to them on a silver platter and then going out into the world thinking they are "entitled." I love this, Brian.
Suck is appropriate here. I've been there...
You captured it well, Dad, and you're there for your boys and that's worth more than I can tell you. Good poem bro.
You don't suck. Believe me your kids are not going to remember whether they had cokes or the newest thing when they grow up. They're going to remember the times you built forts or went camping in the backyard or read books to them. It's hard when you're in the moment, but know "money ain't everything". Hang in there!
Hi Brian,
You may not know it but you are raising men. Some day they will make you proud. We never asked for money because we knew we would not get any, so we washed cars in the neighborhood, cleaned houses and babysat for anyone who would hire us. And on top of that we had to pay our parents half of what we earned. So you know what we did then, well we worked twice as hard.
We never would have expected anyone to just give us stuff or had the government provide anything. Every "No" our parents gave us just made us stronger. Now we are all doing very well and we help those who cannot help themselves, not those who won't help themselves. We were just fine without fancy shoes and clothes, and some day two strong grown men will thank you for making them strong and mostly they will thank you for the love you have given them. Believe me I have thanked my mom for saying "No" because I know my life would have been so different and not in a good way.
Keep up the good work, we support you 100%.
God bless.
Brian, this made me think of the state of the economy in the US. It shouldn't be that way. Things are so different nowadays. Good write.
Pamela
Wonderful wearying look at what it is to raise a family. The evening our second child graduated from college my husband turned to me and said,"I feel such a huge sense of relief."
Having both gainfully employed -with health benefits continues to be a blessing. Parenting lasts a life time..and you don't suck.
it sucks..yes...we had times when i stretched milk with water to have two liters for the price of one...ugh...and i had to say no as well and it hurts.. but looking back, i think the kids learned valuable lessons and what is really important in life...still it's not easy and i feel you in this..
This is briliant, Brian. Really amazing.
I am very sympathetic - and yet I agree with Claudia - I think some no's to kids aren't all bad, and it's kind of easier some times to say them when there are real forces dictating.
That's said - it's a collosal pain and very hard. Good poem k.
I'm sure your family understands. When I was struggling as a single mom, I sat my kids down at the kitchen table one night and told them I'd do my best, but I would be unable to give them everything they might ask for. Amazingly, they understood, and never questioned it when I had to say no. Kids are smarter than we give them credit for sometimes.
Brian...I sit here with lungs burned by caustics because at one time I decided to earn an honest living.
honur means more then dollars and cents.
I could go back to a line of work that I would make hundreds of thousands of dollars a year, Or I could go back into hi pressure sales and make a fricking mint...but I would have to become the person I left behind. I left that person behind because he was killing me...killing me inside and out. But besids that I didn't respect that person, or like him.
so when my 5 year old begs for a book about bugs, and I tell him I can't buy it for him because I have no money, only enough to feed the cat and buy soap. He says "We need more money Dada to a-ford the bug book, lets go to more stores and make more money Dada" I die a little bit inside because I have to play along with him because I love him and it is not fare to scream at a five year old because you can't make it on what you have, let alone buy a book, that he deserves because he wants to learn.
I applaud you for not selling your soul in that way Brian, you have honor and that will be worth more to your son than a million Cokes
Wander
So with you on this. I came home from grocery shopping and announced that "everyone had to stop eating when they were bored". We only will eat when we are hungry because the price of food has doubled if not trippled. I feel like a nag non stop but its true. It's had for so many of us but I know that when I look at my children they lack for nothing, and we all have to do out part until things turn around. You are an awesome dad/husband/and person and that my friend is priceless!!!!!
I will share this one with my son (the MFT), who has expressed similar sentiments to me many times.
I think both of you are answering a calling, and I respect that so much. What's more, I believe you are doing your kids more good by allowing them to witness their dads making a real difference in the world than by giving them more of what they don't really need.
Every day, they are learning what really matters and realizing that happiness is not dependent upon things. As a result, they are far less likely to fall victim to the new entitlement mentality that is becoming so prevalent in our young people. And they will undoubtedly pick up some valuable coping skills (so useful in adulthood) because they are allowed some real-life experience...in the form of occasional disappointment!
JMHO, of course, but I really do feel that adequate food, clothing, shelter, education, and love do the trick...and I am positive your kids have plenty of these.
You did a great job with the prompt Brian. We live in what turned into a fairly affluent community and my kids grew up with me constantly saying no to things their friends seemed to have. Now in their 30s they tell me I taught them how to live well frugally and they are grateful. Even now, every time we go out they joke about how I would never let them buy a drink--water only! Very insightful poem Brian.
You've probably heard Semaphore say a great poem is a great extended metaphor, and this one fits that description--from the opening image, the sense of stifling yourself is hideously strong, and yet, being carved into little pieces isn't much of an improvement, even if you don't have to say no so much. Growing up poor is hard, but also a great motivator, and growing up where all you hear is yes makes you less able, less compassionate, and less independent, imho. Money can't buy a good father.
Really a sharp, bitter write here, bri. Life can indeed suck some days.
It does suck indeed Brian. And the toll on the men and women who have to face this is high. Never ever feel bad about yourself. What is happening is beyond your control. Your self-worth cannot be measured in dollars. You are a brilliant husband and a loving father. Chin up soldier!
Yes, it sucks. But you don't, my love! It's no fun to look at their little faces and say "no" all the time but the boys will be okay and learn to appreciate what they have. They love surprises and you seem to always find a treasure somewhere that lights up their faces. :) This is a decision we made together and it will be okay...I'm proud of you and know it will be worth this year of tightening down in the long run. Smile!
I'll speak for myself, I grew up poor. My family had little money with my father working as a firefighter and my mother at home. My father spent time with us, took us to the beach in the summer on every day off and was our "neighborhood Dad" since he liked playing with kids. We had good basic food, clothes made by my Mom or hand me downs and school supplies. Toys were few, books came from the library. We played, had fun, went to local places and valued the things we had. The emphasis was on education and all three of us went to college and had professions. My Dad might have said the same thing you did but we kids were fine. I had no sense we were poor until I was older.
I'll send you my thoughts.
What a powerhouse of a poem!!!!
Bless you for the words!
Explores some dark and bitter feelings
Ouch Brian and I can definitely relate. It's hard saying no and you want to give them the world. I just left the bank after 7 years! I bet they know that you're a great dad though. I bet they don't judge you anywhere as much as you judge yourself. It will work out :)
It does suck, and you know we understand over here. You did a really good job of leaving me breathless as I read, such a suffocating feeling you described so well. Praying it gets better soon!
So we're suffocating in different ways, you and I. Interesting. I get your feeling, because when I was fired we lost 1/3 of our income and that was the part that afforded the little luxuries like yes, you can get a donut for unloading the groceries and yes you can get a blizzard for doing an oral book report and yes, we can afford a new bike for you to ride to school. Then all of a sudden it was we can't afford your school, Mom got whooping cough, Dad got extra hours (but no raises, but did have a job) and the kids said, "We miss you working. We don't like not having money." Hurts so much.
Now I'm sucking air through a straw trying to breathe through this asthma. Today doc said 6-8 weeks until I'm up to full speed. He did unfasten the seatbelt sign, so I am free to move about the cabin...but that's still cabin fever. Oh, and my laptop died. Fun week for everyone it seems.
You're a great Dad, Brian, and your kids will grow up to be great dads from your example.
Sorry it all sucks so bad right now.
Tina @ Life is Good
Brian, don't worry too much. Easy for me to say, I know. But rest assured that your kids will be fine without cokes, and great with such a loving and caring Dad.
Life must suck right now, but things will change. And if you must go work in a bank, your motive is pure. It will balance out the negative effects of "banking".
You know I wish you the best.
Brian, an honest write and sad . I've been there and I know how it feels... but you my friend are an awesome man, father and husband. You make life complete for them with everyday miracles and love.
Wow. Brian, this is my life. And you made it into art. You're a wonder, sir.
This too shall pass soon...
Ah, there is so much more to a man than dollars. If only money made the man... If only. And yet... Thankfully money makes the man is a myth. Lack of yes to a desire fulfilled teaches patience and a plethora of other great human characteristics. I hear you, though. You're a good man, Brian. That's the kind of rich people can't buy in life. You got a great dad or you don't. Your guys do!
Your words capture.
When I was five, I cried (bloody murder) when I asked my grandfather to buy me a book and he didn't. To me it was a refusal, I didn't understand that he could not afford it.
Now that I have said this out, I realised that I had been a selfish spoilt brat all my life. I didn't learn and understand until it was too late.
Your poetry is excellent doesn't suck one bit ;)
I can definitely relate - but as long as there is love and compassion in the relationship, I'm sure there is happiness.
Ah, this is one of the reasons that make me think whether I should have children or not.
Joy always,
Susan
OMG I absolutely know this feeling. The $$$ stretch and the sometimes overwhelming weight of ... 'seeming' poverty.
I have friends who have instilled the 'seeming' so that I have a place to break out of the bag and find the joy in each day! Even when it feels so tight.
Remember those days when you went to the woods and built fortresses of sticks, stones, leaves and the clouds in the skies were kingdoms? Or maybe that's just me.
I'm grateful for country and farm life....no distraction like nature to sooth the wants of the soul.
Insha'Allah: saying yes when you know to say no can be the great act of faith.
This is all so true and so common an experience, but I don't think I've ever seen or heard it so clearly and imaginatively expressed. Excellent.
I'm ok until the big stuff hits - repair or medical or such. Then the pin hole in my plastic bag doesn't cut it. The kids have long since given up on Coke.
Oh my word. This is my very favorite of your poems ever. It made my heart race, taking me on quite a ride. Absolutely phenomenal, Brian. I could feel this to my bones.
I know this is your real life, that you're struggling financially after being out of work for a while, that your kids keep asking for more because they don't understand that when there isn't more ... there just isn't.
But because of the stress level that rises off the page, I can so easily picture the man who has nothing left and cannot take care of his family, the man who in desperation turns to substance abuse and other women for comfort and to forget. This goes so far beyond you; it completely takes on a life of its own.
Your double/triple meaning in "suck" works so well here. What a perfect word picture, the dying head in a bag---no air to be had.
There are so many awesome lines in this, but my favorite part is:
"i chose this
help-ing & took my heart off the plate
before they carved it in so many edible pieces"
What you did with "helping" was so smart. You could have chosen a different field, but in helping there is so little security and financial reward. Same in church ministry.
Took my heart off the plate ... Brian, you are a brilliant poet. Too bad that doesn't provide any more security than counseling.
I definitely pick up on the "temptation" undercurrent in your hidden language, as well. Fantastic piece.
stretching a buck-- man i know the feeling. you tell this all-too-common struggle extremely well. love the play with the caps & double meanings, and the air-through-plastic-bag analogy is perfect.
"But from the beginning of the creation God made them male and female. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife; And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder."
(Mark 10:6-9)
Be one with God, Brian! If you are the mind God is the heart.
thank the gods I have never had to live like that - 'sucking air'.....As you have so vividly described, it's a wretched way to spend each desperate day....the unusual syntax added to the heart-wrentching emotions....
My friend,
Life is indeed tough sometimes. You will always be a GREAT man when you love your family! Thanks for sharing sir.
Wow, Brian, powerful poem. Really speaks of a person's life living on the edge. Well done.
Wow, Brian, powerful poem. Really speaks of a person's life living on the edge. Well done.
Having grown up with a father who would buy you anything you wanted, but withhold love and affection...I believe giving love and support is worth far more than anything money can buy.
keep up the good work friend :)
I'm right there with you on that financial edge, Brian. Sometimes it just kills me to have to keep telling my daughter "No" to things that her friends all take for granted, like brand new school clothes, book orders, afternoons at the pool with her friends.
But we persevere - there's really no alternative anyway. Just keep reminding yourself that it's the situation that sucks, not you.
Oh Brian, you tell it so well. The plastic bag, always threatening to suffocate, it a perfect analogy, and the constant, regretful "no"s are definitely something I can relate to. Bravo, Friend, bravo.
This made me think of The Cure. More precisely (and very weirdly) I heard "Desintegration" playing in my head reading your poem. Brilliant!! :)
Brilliant!
but the things kids seem to want today are so expensive! But I hear you on the little things - that would be very hard.
Time spent with them will end up being the dearest thing in the long run...
this is so honest and great write...but a father like you will be the greatest asset....other things will go and come....your poems are always so different and lingering....
Oh, Brian... this speaks to me. I sometimes question the decisions I've made in the past few years, especially when I try to pay the bills each month. Like a pinhole in a plastic bag over my head. I'm slowly, but surely, making that hole a little bigger. The biggest blessing is that my son acknowledges and admires my choices, even though they've made it difficult. That is a gift I hope you will share some day.
oh, yeah! it's tough and i guarantee that it bothers you more than them. doesn't help? how about your own words ~
"on really bad days consider going back to the bank & screwing people out their money....but i can't"
in my book, that means you DON'T suck!!!
♥
You don't suck in my opinion. Hang in there, man.
Best things in life are free
but this is difficult to teach
the young ones to see...
Oh God, I hear you. And I'm a woman, and not the provider. I still have to say no sometimes, and yes, it can 'suck'. But you have to know what you ARE giving your family, what you are providing them with is really valuable. You are there.
Way, way, way too many aren't.
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