Thursday, September 13, 2012

55 - spray paint on the cafe bricks & shiva' in the wind

AVIS advertisement

'people don't use their hands,'
he says, twiddling fingers
type-like, universal
signal for digital,

re-turns to

a chunk of wood,
carved crane, by riverbank,
layers paint, one on another
in texture

patchwork

guitar case in the seat
next over, invites us to play
soiled jeans & t-shirt

unstressed

rhythm & blues
pearl bright
sidewalk-ed

life



This one is actually from my time with Steve E, while he was staying with me on his trip. Pretty cool man we met out one day .A story in 55 words, for my friend g-man.

Over at dVerse, we are writing sonnets...below you will find my attempts...cringe, cringe...similar except the ending...and in millermeter oh well...smiles.


shiva' in the wind
 
beneath the willow tree weeping, i ape
my own heart for its sway, in a slow dance
masquerade, cindrella's slipper escape,
hands to the face, til clocked , taking my chance

forsook! forsook! beat’n chest in askance
at time's sickle on wheat fields, fall harvest
golden heads, life o’r death, lain low expanse,
even the deftest tongue’s left prone to rest

august nights to september's kiss, madness,
a bee's nest, behind rib's unbending cage---
eyes stare out, where she's taken residence
without parole, nor draught strong to assuage

love’s itch, without reason, I’ll sit & finger
count the distance tween now’n forever


shiva' in the wind (first version)

beneath the willow tree weeping, i ape
my own heart for its sway, in a slow dance
masquerade, cindrella's slipper escape,
hands to face til clock struck, taking my chance

forsook! forsook! beat'n chest in askance
at time's sickle on the wheat fields, harvest
ing golden heads, life/death, lain low expanse,
even the deftest tongue left prone to rest

august nights to september's kiss, madness,
a bee's nest behind rib's unbending cage---
eyes stare out, where she's taken residence
without parole, nor draught strong to assuage

i'm not leaving, i'm not leaving here
til morrow promises the sun, dear

74 comments:

Pat Hatt said...

first with my burst

Pat Hatt said...

Sounds like quite the meet and greet
Playing to your own beat
And I hope by soiled you mean mud
And not some other umm dud
Beat Mary and Hank
So sad they had to walk the plank

Laurie Kolp said...

Love the style, edginess in this one.

Laura Maria said...

Oh I like the feeling in this. It makes one feel which is exactly what poetry should be.
Thanks for the visit and comment!

Monkey Man said...

great flow brotha :)

Daniel said...

Neat relaxed rhythm to this one. Yeah, not a sonnet.

manicddaily said...

Ha. Well, I like sonnets. But I like this too. I like the jumps here and the kind of music and I love the twiddling fingers of the guitarist and soiled jeans. k.

G-Man said...

So you met the Maestro?
Did he bring his fiddle?
Very Cool Son...Very Cool!
Loved your 55
Thanks for playing, thank you for your WONDERFUL support, and have a Kick Ass Week-End

Myrna R. said...

I must confess -don't know Steve E. But it sounds like you had a really nice afternoon.

I don't think I'm brave (or skilled) enough to try a sonnet. But I'm sure you can come up with something beautiful.

Magpie said...

Loving the thought of unstressed life. Any time spent with friends - new or old - is good time.

Mary said...

I admire people who can craft things out of a chunk of wood. Takes real talent because if you gash out too much there are NO redos! (Sort of like life, now that I think about it.)

Alice Audrey said...

A bit of unstressed life is good for you. Steve E sounds much like his blog.

Shadow said...

read this once, read it twice, and read it again. the flow, the rhythm, the colourful words, beautifully packaged!

hedgewitch said...

I like the movement and sense of character behind the actions, bri. And I am just not in the mood for a sonnet--though they can be fun--this works for me.

JANU said...

Beautiful...the music must have been good too.

Daydreamertoo said...

This does have a kind of staccato feel to it.. must be to do with his fingers twiddling :)
Very nice 55

Daydreamertoo said...

P.S. I'm not too sure about the sonnet either ;)

Sue said...

Well done in 55.

I'll have to go check out your sonnet later. It's one of my favorite forms...like doing a puzzle.

=)

^.^ said...

I admit I didn't read the whole poem ... stopped dead in the "Guitar" section ... I haven't played in over 20 years ... ever since my youngest daughter died ... (don't feel sorry for me, eh?) I gave a few lwssons and played a few concerts ... but it's not the same and I'm okay with that) ... I put a Northern Lights video in blogger though ... just for you, B ... kisses to your little tikes and be well, eh? Love, cat.

Pat said...

Steve E as in Steve Earle? Holy Cow! I'm impressed!

Gloria said...

I love to usemy hands; cooking;baking;.embrodery etc
this sonet sounds so nice Brian:)

Olivia said...

Some rhythm you added to it with the edge :)

here's my 55, http://oliviasmindlymatters.wordpress.com/2012/09/14/gloam/
Could you request you to link it up for me? I would be all snoozy (INDIA)
Will read them all once I am up and you all snoozy :D

Super duper excited... been sometime I did this!

hugs xoxo

Tara Miller said...

I like the airy-ness in this one. A beautiful picture you paint my love.

Geraldine said...

intriguing...glad I clicked through.

Claudia said...

nice...unstressed rhythm and blues...that's what i need...smiles

Grace said...

I like the returning to unstressed life...if only ~ It's cool that you got to meet Steve ~

Happy day Brian ~

Kim Nelson said...

Love this! Love this! Love this!
Why?
Nothing wasted, nothing extraneous.
The story, pure and complete,
Told in discreet
Detail.

Unknown Mami said...

I only use my hands digitally, but fortunately they are humanized by my children.

Mama Zen said...

This makes me feel mellow!

irene david said...

I love this one! Very good story and this one is now my favorite! Nice one!

artificial lawn

Cheryl said...

This one catches me. Can't explain it, but it just does.

(Sonnets? Eek! I looked at the form a few months ago and crawled back into my hidey hole.)

kaykuala said...

Pat is now first
With his outburst
Rightly digital
Always at his portal
No soiled jeans
By no means
No guitar case
No such mess
But with his Cat
Looking for spats

Nicely written Brian!
Both you guys are divine

Hank

Teresa said...

Sonnets are intimidating. This is pure joy! Loved it.

Annmarie Pipa said...

love the scene I imagine from your words....unstressed is a good word too.

magiceye said...

loved the imagery

Bodhirose said...

Very laid back and cool feeling...no, I didn't think it looked like a sonnet...but then, what do I know about sonnets..yikes!

Anyes said...

For some reason, I see music on your words.., it the first time too :-)

Steve E said...

Hey my friend--was wondering when you'd blog our musician-philosopher sitting outside a Starbucks.

Thinking back to our couple days--did we spend SO much time in Starbucks?

Yeah!

inkineticapoetry said...

really enjoying these

Valerie said...

I hear the rhythm, Brian. Have a great weekend.

Dave King said...

Love both of these, but Shiva in the Wind wins first spot for me - and the final couplet a big, big improvement in the final version.

the walking man said...

Like the sidewalk, we made the for sitting, playing and collecting a toll.

˙·٠•●❤Sh@KiR@ ❤●•٠·˙ said...

Sounds like a great time with Steve!Very happy for you! Awesome 55!

The other one is really rather deep for me but I love your first sentence and you last stanza. You ROCK this!!! Hey, just so you know...have you bought insurance for all your awesome work here, Brian? You should! Mine is here
Have you an AWESOME WEEKEND!
hugs
shakira

Daydreamertoo said...

I love both of your attempts at the sonnets. I agree, they are too brutal for me and my non focused brain. As the day wears on my focus is gone...lol I began reading Gay's break down on the 'rules' and got lost halfway through the do's and don't of it all and left off to play with my new (second hand) Blackberry phone and learn how to use it. haha.
Your sonnets may not be perfect but, are lovely Brian. The language is soft, right and apt. Well done for having a go!

inaweblogisback said...

Lovely poems :)

izzy said...

I am glad for the piece with Steve! and I love the sonnet attempts-
" behind ribs unbending cage" is
MARVELOUS ! -Seems the first ending
is more committed yet I enjoy the
refrain of not leaving too; because it echo's a strumming- :)

Lorraine said...

No matter how you say it, it's splendid, truly

Other Mary said...

Brian, I am struck by the bees behind the rib cage image - that's brilliant!

Mona said...

I would love to do that...return to patchwork unstressed life...

Love both the versions of the sonnet.:)

Anna Montgomery said...

I know the noble Brian doth detest form but seriously, the sonnet sharpened and enriched your already intense expression. The revision sings, especially the final couplet, and is marvelous imho.

Claudia said...

smiles..your milllermeter works really well in those sonnets ya know...smiles..love the images..but it's not the images that stand in the forefront for me here but the mood you create with them..love both of the closures maybe the one with i'm not leaving, i'm not leaving here a bit more as there is so much passion in it as it feels like from the depth of the heart..nicely done sir miller...smiles

ladyfi said...

Edgy and flowing! Great writing.

Susan said...

You give so much!
First the four part creativity poem: Yes indeed. Patchwork rocks. The work of our hands is God's work--carving, playing music, gesturing, using our digits. Unstressed Life! Ant returns.

Second the two sonnets--with two different punctuation choices and different couplets: Even denser writing than normal, but sonnets force that discipline as we cut words and rearrange and read aloud to ourselves over and over.

What death/change comes at midnight that the narrator and tree (narrator tree) beweep!? It is the harvest and the grain and Persephone and so we sit shiva with Demeter--I like both versions. The first gives the passionate end, but we know if we wait, spring will return. The second, although it gives the image of finger-counting feels both more rational, and more final.

Melissa Bickel said...

I've found Sonnets to be one of the hardest forms for me to write that and the Villanelle.

I enjoyed your 55 and your sonnets.

Bodhirose said...

I think I prefer your second posting (of your sonnet)...especially love the ending...always enjoy your offerings, Brian.

Sheila said...

ha...millermeter - that's awesome!

Beachanny said...

I don't know what is more difficult: writing a sonnet or technically commenting on others! Discussing your work, for me, always seems like a student critically analyzing a master. You have already taken your poetry to a place that surpasses what form initially means to do, and you have achieved a unique way of fusing your voice, your spirit, and your way of writing that makes your poetry distinctively your own.

I think that makes moot a discussion of rhythm, word choice, and meter although I believe you adapted as well to it as you could while staying true to your inner voice. What resulted from it is really dense poetry, layering in the extreme which shows the time and effort you took with this poem (the sonnets here).

I think I prefer the final version ion because it intensifies the emotion. This is love song but one of life itself, of beauty, of the call of vitality to the writer. So the technique you laid under the script creates the landscape and it's there - the ten syllable lines, the Shakespearean quatrains and couplet, a turn in the last quatrain and a surprise in the last couplet in both versions.

I still think I may not be competent enough to discuss your work! Excellent as always.

Nimue said...

simply loved the 55er :D

Sabio Lantz said...

I felt I like I understood the last two lines. Well put.

hope said...

I always feel like I've experienced something new when I visit with you. :)

SaraV said...

Brian, I loved the first poem, how you take us and plunk us down in that place, taste-smell, see what is going down.
Your sonnets are lovely, too-no cringing--and really enjoyed the "millermeter" comment :-)

Grace said...

My hat's off to you for writing the sonnet form ~

The final version is lovely, specially the couplet ~ Cheers Brian ~

Jannie Funster said...

I forget that you're also good with "old timey" lyre, ale and jousting type verse!

xoox

JJ Roa Rodriguez said...

love it both... always a good read sir..

JJRod'z

btw, nice profile pic... will try that hairstyle next time...

Luke Prater said...

Sonnets... glad D'Verse did them eventually... I couldn't take that one in the end... nicely turned out English sonnet (despite the Millermeter hehe). You missed a syllable in the last line of the first version.. if you put 'my' in front of 'dear' it would be all iambic... :))

sage said...

It is always nice to meet other bloggers. Good poems!

jane hewey said...

i love your layered 55, very effective. Your stylized sonnet, striking chords with dancing, season and now n forever is beautiful work, Brian.

my heart's love songs said...

ENJOYED your sonnets, my friend! and your 55 rocks!

have a wonderful weekend, Bri!

Susan Deborah said...

Not fair, you met Steve E. I wish I was in the US. I would get to meet funtastic people like you and Steve!

B, why the reference to Shiva in the title?

Joy always,
Susan

ayala said...

I am sure you had fun with Steve :) love the shiva poems- gorgeous !

Goofball said...

that add is super!

Syd said...

I wonder if Steve E. brought out the violin to accompany the guitar.

tuxedo t-shirt said...

yes i wonder too.. because violin is bought by him keeping in mind that he always have this guitar.

Margaret said...

Spray painting a picture on wood...that really does take talent. What did he do with them? sell them? the sonnet is something I was way to chicken to try, but you did a nice job.