Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Poetry Jam: Verbs, nouns & barbarians

Lexington, KY

'How do I look?'

she steps out,
skirt
shirt
hair braided

the boys play legos
in their room,
door closed

so i purr,
'Like a barbarian,'

which
doesn't come across as sexy
as intended
or match the mental picture
i envisioned

& the bathroom door closes
with a small click, like the cock
of a pistol,

FAIL

it barks,
but i don't pull the trigger
& add -ure,

knowing the difference
between noun and verb

i let the sentence end
with a period,
        and knock on the door
to try again.

written for poetry jam because i am not perfect. smiles.

69 comments:

JANU said...

Wow! Cool use of verbs. Hope you were lucky the second time.

Myrna R. said...

Ha. The intricacies of relationship. I'm sure you did well on the next try.

Lolamouse said...

Well, you are close, Brian! "How do I look?" is always a trick question anyway and one to never ask a poet!

Laurie Kolp said...

LOL- This cracks me up, Brian.

She Writes said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
She Writes said...

mmmhmmm! Barbarian has connotations that women only like in men :) (fictional ones, at that), not themselves :). BUT knocking on the door. Nice :). She sounds adorable in your description. Ah, the divide between the sexes and communication. It takes us all over the map.

kaykuala said...

It pays to stop a wee bit of time to be able to reflect and then make the move. Great thoughts Brian!

Hank

Tabor said...

Language. Even masters such as yourself can get in trouble, it seems.

CiCi said...

Good for you for trying again.

Daydreamertoo said...

UT oh... Because you're not perfect, I'm glad you went and tried again. You're 'FAIL' wass our gain ;)
Loved it

Nancy said...

Haha - love it. My husband said something to me last night that landed the same way.

happygirl said...

Seriously? Barbarian? haha. This was a good one. I hope you said Warrior Princess next. :)

Claudia said...

oh i like that you knocked on that door and tried again..it's all about knocking and opening doors a second or a third or a hundredth time...

Yousei Hime said...

A typical husband faux pas captured. It had me smirking and giggling. Your spacing, puns grammar enforced, sketched out setting...all and more worked delightfully.

So...was she barbaric inside the bedroom? ;) Don't answer that.

Gloria said...

Curious when you said Barbarian I think of course in a beatiful woman like I think she is lol
but maybe was not the correct Omy we sre really sensible.
When I ask hubby H ow I look? He said You alwsys look nice! Ha! this poem was so cute!

Day Dreamer said...

Smooth...love the imagery! Practice does indeed make perfect! Great write Brian!

Peggy said...

Barbarian, huh? Well, I guess you have to practice that leering grin to go with it. LOL Poem is well done and captures one of those small moments very well. Thanks.

Tara Miller said...

I'm lauging out loud on this one my love and re-playing the conversation again in my mind. I believe you did actually change that to "warrior princess" after the confused look I gave you. hee hee. You're cute...and glad you knocked on the door.

adan said...

gotta be the best comment ever (from tara) ;-)

was gonna say this was such a nice blend of the everyday and the special moments that pop up, but gonna defer ;-)

but big kudos for the all-american gold medal persistence and effort, you're gonna role-model for us old guys too ;-)

Chris Okelberry said...

lol...ah the tricky balancing act of silly mixed with sincerity and having it accepted well.

Great poem. Fun stuff.

Susan said...

Big difference between the command 'Fail" and the past event "Failure."
I enjoyed this very much, even the pistol and the dog.

Chris Okelberry said...

And I love the imagery of the door lock clicking like the cock of a pistol. Very cool.

nance said...

i like the title...

Monkey Man said...

I like how this one dances....and we always will try again, always :)

Heaven said...

There is difference between the noun and verb. Nice capture of the scene Brian ~ Why are guys so clueless ~ Smiles ~

oceangirl said...

Brian I so love this.

hedgewitch said...

I love the pic--jus an 'E' makes all the difference in the world. You probably should have used barbarian as an adjective--as in 'like a barbarian goddess' or even as a possessive--'a wild barbarian's fantasy'--just helpin ya out, bro. Lovin the tongue in cheek on the foot in mouth.

Annmarie Pipa said...

haha...always say beautiful! that is always the answer.

wood said...

"how do i look?"

"like a barbarian."

?

wow, and you live to tell the tale, that is amazing. all of my ex's use to complain that i knew nothing about women, nothing about romance, but... wow.

makes for a great poem though =) enjoyed very much.

ayala said...

I hope you got lucky the second time :)

Pat Hatt said...

LOL suprised you got out alive
But glad you were able to survive
Round two must have took some serious rump kissing
To make it so you weren't on a milk carton and missing haha

Paige + Shauna said...

wow, just like a guy, written with a smooth flow and so authentic
voice.

DJan said...

Oh, lovely! Let's start again... :-)

RMP said...

Yikes! I'm impressed all she did was lock herself in the bathroom. I doubt she thinks Red Sonia instead of Conan when hearing the word barbarian.

Anne said...

I know exactly what you meant Brian and it was meant as a compliment. There are some lovely and sexy sculpts of female barbarians out there and the men love them. I imagine you talked your way around this one.

Alice Audrey said...

LOL. But that kind of fail can be a lot of fun. She just needs a sense of humor.

Daniel said...

I love the message and the recovery. Great stuff today.

manicddaily said...

Oops!

I'm glad you caught the situation mid-word. Very sweet poem. k.

(PS - barbarian is not so great. Also avoid any words having to do with plumpness. My husband always drives me crazy by telling me what a good job I've done eating dinner, as if I should be congratulated for gluttony! Ha!) k.

Heidi said...

Well, I'm not sure what's best to say to a person asking how they look. A creative answer like yours or a safe answer like would be my husbands "nice" "good".lol

Marie Nicole said...

How do you do it?

cloudia charters said...

A moment passes,
a parent grows a bit




Aloha from Waikiki
Comfort Spiral
<(-'.'-)>

> < } } ( ° >

Fred Rutherford said...

pretty neat. Love the wordplay here, and a real nice sense of humor built in. Fun read. thanks

Lydia said...

Marvelous, Brian. You'd have a best-seller if you compiled your marriage/relationship poems into one volume.

Sue said...

heehee

Being a husband is a hard job.

;)

Valerie said...

Delightful ... brought smiles.

Never ask, that's my motto. I've had a few choice remarks.

Mary said...

LOL, Brian. I can picture this. So often one's good intentions can be me misinterpreted! Been there, done that. I am sure you had a second chance.....smiles.

the walking man said...

Brian, Brian, Brian, haven't you learned yet?

The imponderable questions
Immune to critique or suggestions
Why when how who
What are we poor men to do?
On the answers I’d prefer to pass
Especially the one about her ass
It’s not too big
or too much a twig
Yet the smart answer always is
My dear it’s clear in that dress
you have the ass of a dancer.

Lorraine said...

Hey I'd take it! well from the proper source of course....it's your fault you know you're such and excellent and charming writer, that you can't get away with jokes, now go be excellent ;)

J Cosmo Newbery said...

Verbs are action words, when all said and done.,

Loredana Donovan said...

I really enjoyed your poem and the comments, Brian. Women love compliments. It makes us feel loved and cherished. It's obvious you adore your wife. Next time just tell her she's beautiful. She'll dig that. Smiles :)

Betsy Brock said...

hahaha....Oh Brian...betcha never say that again...lol....

Dave King said...

Brilliant, thoroughly emjoyable.

^.^ said...

So cute ... I hope the 2nd try went really well ... or did it ... hmmm, from a woman's standpoint ... I would def tease you into a serious game of ... something ... for a while at least :)

SueAnn Lommler said...

Good for you...don't give up!
Hugs
SueAnn

Goofball said...

how do I look....it's such a trick question. Hope you got your second chance.

Fan of Xena Warrior Princess?

Serena said...

Your use of the verb purr softened the word Barbarian for me... but then of course it wasn't said to me... I'm just glad you didn't give up... good intentions and all. I'll have to try this challenge.

Margaret said...

ha. Here's hoping she opened the door :)

KB said...

This one made me giggle. Love Tara's comment. It obviously went better the next time.

salwar kameez fashion said...

Thanks for this read mate. Well, this is my first visit to your blog! But I admire the precious time and effort you put into it, especially into interesting articles you share here!

izzy said...
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Teri M said...

Hopefully the second time was a charm! At least you didn't call her Zena Warrior Princess! :-)

Rachel Hoyt said...

I LOL'd at the end with a period part. Obviously it was a bad time to answer that already ridiculously risky question... how do I look? :)

myheartslovesongs.com said...

LOVE this, from the title to the last word!

i hope she got your intention on the second try!

MorningAJ said...

I hope it worked!
Love the new photo btw.

lifeisaroadtrip said...

Aw, this is so sweet!

Mary Mansfield said...

Got a great giggle from this one. "How do I look?" is always a dangerous question for a man to answer, kudos for being brave enough to try!

Lisa Golden said...

Ah, the fail(ed) attempt at humor/compliment. I imagine you can pull it off with the exception of this time.

okelle said...

What a lovely little slice of life.

Syd said...

Sometimes even the best intended words don't come out the right way.