Tuesday, June 19, 2012

OpenLinkNight: an evening with a sex coach

sticker, VA Beach

he watches from a nondescript chair
close to see the action, butt
far enough away to get lost
in the moment, looking for hand placement,
erogenous zones touched, position & variation,
stimulation, flesh flush as blood course (sigh)
softENs/HARDens textures----takes
notes, so after he can coach
how to better pleasure your partner---

he wears a tweed jacket, glasses perched
on the bridge of his nose, one bare hip
visible to his left & offers---

"eat your greens, especially kale" and "exercise,
really work your core," and i am sure

he's been talking to my mom, or maybe his
said the same things growing up,
but i let him continue---
 
"put a ring on it," and i can't 
help but hear the Chipmunks singing, 
then "to swell the head," now it's arrogant politicians, 
thinking theirs' is the only way and willing
to filibuster, who must be great sex partners, 
thus all the scandals
 
my mom & presidential candidates dance
in my head, as the Chipmunks take the stage
& i am considering celibacy for the rest
of my life, when he adds "talk deep & dirty."
and maybe it's the fever talking,

because when the old lady passes 
in the aisle of the pharmacy looks back at me
blushing, i drop this month's issue of GQ
and retreat to a nondescript chair in the corner,
massage my stiff & throbbing
sinuses, swollen, so the whole left side of my face
takes on a rather Quasimodo appearance,
& quietly wait for my prescription or the police,
which ever arrives first

wondering if my wife will provide bail, 
when i explain i was reading for her benefit,
or visit me in jail, so i can show her
what i learned.

OpenLinkNight @ dVerse Poets - a poetic party for anyone that can string syllables into words, form and form-less, none of us blame-less, lest we leave our pens and walk ignorant into the world--so write, doors open 3 pm EST---it's where poetry be.

An update: The swelling in my face has reduced by 75% & fever gone, since writing this Saturday while sitting in CVS and reading this all too read article. I will blame it on the sickness---a fever write. Far as they can tell it was a bacteria infection of the sinuses.

115 comments:

Jackie Jordan said...

Ha Ha! That's hilarious ... I wonder if a bullhorn would be an effective tool for the coach?

Steve E said...

Brian, your "sex" stories make my sinuses throb, and become stiff and swollen.

I was thinking, "Move over, Claudia...there's competition lurking inside the 'beltway' of 'you-know-who'

This was more fun than I ever had for my "UPON AWAKENING" meditations--grin!

Valerie said...

takes
notes, so after he can coach
how to better pleasure your partner---
OMG I loved this. And the rest of it, of course.... grins.

Crystal Jigsaw said...

Great writing as always, Brian. Not enough sex stories on my blogging rounds so it was somewhat of a "pleasure" to visit you today, lol.

Get better soon, hun.
CJ x

kaykuala said...

This leads me all over, taking from the heading initially 'and stiff and throbbing sinus?' Whew! Great write, Brian!

Hank

Heaven said...

How you can spin this into a sex session post. Its a fun exercise, you know.

On the side though, the sex scandals in the news are not so surprising ~

Well I hope you get better Brian ~

Pam Rosep said...

Ah poor you (sinuses) get well!
This was crazy funny to read and also ingenious in realism. Like!

Matt said...

LOL why do I get the feeling I should be taking notes... My sinuses are bad in the summer, great write up!

Mary said...

This made me smile, Brian. I chuckled at the description of the coach with his tweed jacket and glasses perched.. I do hope you are feeling better. Swollen sinuses are miserable!

Ravenblack said...

A speedy recovery to you, Brian.

The poem made me smile -- lost in the content, and then the awkardness coming through, and then there's the cheekiness in the end. :)

DJan said...

Yikes! I was wondering where this was going, and then I read about the swollen and throbbing sinuses. I am so glad to hear you are already better. Mercy!

manicddaily said...

Very funny, and charming close. The voyeurs watching the voyeur. Ha. K.

Barbara Rogers said...

Be well soon. Maybe boost your own immune system.

Suz said...

ha! does thy mind ever shut off?
so funny... get well soon

Eva Gallant said...

That really made me laugh! Good job!

Wander said...

Brian you brought a smile to my face in a time of turmoil!
Get better man :-)
I'll be over to O L N tonight to join in the festivities...hope I find the time to read some good poetry!

Wander

Laurie Kolp said...

lol- What better time to read something like that... thanks for the giggles. Love the line breaks, too.

Glad you're feeling better and hope you continue to. Nothing worse than a summer sinus infection.

Natasha Head said...

Call me sick and twisted if you like, but I was so waiting for this! ;) Still laughing...still smiling...and once again thanking you for making MY day (and hope you're feeling better)

AmyLK said...

Glad you're feeling better. I guess we could equate this poem to a drunk dial? lol

mrs mediocrity said...

This is fabulous... story within story, metaphor within metaphor... and funny as well... smiling.

Hope you are feeling 100% very soon!

Tabor said...

It seems we are such a work-aholic society when you have to take notes on sex!

Buddah Moskowitz said...

Brotherman, this was priceless, and I find it damned eerie that what I wrote had similar overtones. Hope you're feeling better, Mosk

Stephanie said...

Oh MY!! LOL

ayala said...

This just made me laugh...you are too much ;) I am glad you are feeling better.

Sue said...

heehee

I think you need therapy.

;)

Archna Sharma said...

How funny, the full and flush fever write! Wonderful that you embrace the whole of life for writing.

And good to know that you are doing better. Blessings. :)

Myrna R. said...

"A fever write" I've never had one of those.

Only you can write something so hilarious with a sinus infection as inspiration. How I would love to look inside that mind of yours that weaves the most unlikely topics and creates something so worth reading.

Hope you're well now. Stay healthy.

Claudia said...

goodness..what kind of megasize font are you having on your blog today...or is it just because i'm wearing my glasses cause i did a research on GQ mag. and wanted to see the pics better...smiles.. love it when your writing gets a bit crazy bri..with or without fever..and good to hear you're feeling better today

Daniel said...

So, did you learn anything valuable to pass along?

Dana Dampier said...

I had to read this one twice! There's not nearly enough poetry out there like this. Funny and very interesting!

signed...bkm said...

Now I know why there are more men then women reading in the magazine aisle...bkm

signed...bkm said...

Now I know why there are more men then women reading in the magazine aisle...bkm

hedgewitch said...

Sorry to hear your face was misbehaving, bri. This is scary stuff you've penned--reducing sex to athletic training or something--talk about taking the mystery away! Enjoyed the snark throughout, and did some roffling at the ending.

Gloria said...

HYope you feel better dear:)

Arron Shilling said...

i dont know what it is Brian,
but your words appear somehow
MAGNIFIED this week :D

this is a belter...

a rollicker

my sinus was left

stiff and throbbing!

Esmeralda! Esmeralda!
The balls! The balls!
...Squeeze the balls!

cheers bro :D

California Girl said...

the title is compelling as all get out!

turtlememoir said...

um... pure fun indeed... and you're making me blush as well ;) - but wow! you can really write!

Jess Mistress of Mischief said...

LOL that IS funny!

Magpie said...

Okay...this little trip you just took us on was really out there. I agree...must be the fever. :) Hope you're better soon.

Chris Okelberry said...

lol...that's crazy fun. Great juxtaposition blurring the line between innuendo, reality and humor. Fun stuff. :)

Tara Miller said...

ha ha you're funny! Can't imagine someone doing that as a career.

Victoria said...

Can you hear me laughing over there in VA? This is a hoot. So many double entendres. You poor throbbing sinuses. I hope the read was therpeutic...or at least made you forget your misery for a few moments.

Alice Audrey said...

Until the old lady part, I thought you were in a classroom setting, like a Lamaze class.

Dulce said...

Some high temperatures lead geniuses to write like this...

Hillarious and witty, Brian...

Marbles in My Pocket said...

Ha! Fun read, Brian. Hard to tell truth from fiction in this, having been there done that! (Or something very close to it)

Jessica said...

Haha - from massage down, absolutely genius!

Leo said...

Hehe.. this was witty.. the play on "but" and "butt" especially.. Your humour is so different, and out there! Interesting..

Vernon Wildy, Jr said...

I definitely like that. Sounds like many visits I had before going to the pharmacy to pick up medicine. I definitely related to that.

emmett wheatfall said...

Wow! A new twist on being a coach. Really hot my man, really hot.

Louise said...

lol...*smiling* Much enjoyed...hope the 'swelling's' gone down down ;)

Beachanny said...

You kept us reading, and wondering- is this Brian, writing in first person, a mystery filled with double entendres and risque subject matter about to go darker and then -- it doesn't. You had me the whole way through and then I smiled. Well done and cleverly so!

Mystic_Mom said...

Firstly - glad you are feeling better!

Secondly - bahahahaha...this is so BAD and so GOOD! Love it!

vivinfrance said...

Blow the sex coach: what does he know? Just do what comes naturally and enjoy it to the max.

hollyannegetspoetic said...

Phew! Hot and sticky and feverish and tweedy in places! Goodness me! :)

^.^ said...

... what ever .. you'll be alright, B, if you are in it for the love ... just stay clear of them coaches ... because they are in it for the money ...

Pat Hatt said...

Wow you were all over the place there
With your Gawker powers aware
Of maybe too much stuff
But such fun to read although glad life is no longer rough
Such a throbbing face
Would not be such a fun embrace

janehewey said...

downright sizzling! strangely, "eat your greens, especially kale" is what truly caught my attention. a fun and charged up read, Brian. hope you are mending quickly. ~jane

Sandi McBride said...

Trying to decide if you're having a nightmare or a wet dream...a bit of both, I fear!
Sandi

ordinarylifelessordinary said...

Ha ha! *squeals* brilliantly entertaining and certainly unexpected but has your quirky voice all over it and I really enjoyed it. Glad to hear you are feeling better, all that engorgement sounded very uncomfortable....

Beth Winter said...

Oh God's teeth! Brian, you have outdone yourself. When you started massaging your swollen and throbbing

sinuses, I thought I would wet myself. That is a prime example of the power of enjambment. Damn good stuff! Are you going to get a subscription or rely on Chipmonks for advice?

Daydreamertoo said...

I hope you learned a great deal from this 'sexpert'
Sorry you had awful pain like that. I've been getting over dreadful sinus, face, ear pain too. It sucks.
This was (Yet) another fabulous read. Made me smile too :):)

Joan Barrett Roberts said...

Funny!! Glad you are better ~ super write! Humorous & makin me smile right out loud. Thanks

Sharp Little Pencil said...

Brian, great fun! I had a bacterial infection, too, but it had more to do with your poem... er... TMI!! The whole approach to this work, the sex coach, the proximity, the damned ring... like the one from your wedding isn't enough... wink! Amy (and here's my dverse, congrats on #1!)
http://sharplittlepencil.com/2012/06/14/we-interrupt-your-regularly-scheduled-programming/

libithina said...

wondered what I was going to read Brian :)) - too funny :) great fun but bet it didn't feel it at the time Ouch! glad it's on the mend - glad the police didn't show up too - yeh that will have been the fever - thinking of yu yesterday bet you had a great Fathers Day - hgs Lib

jackie dick said...

Bwaahhhaaaa! This is a jewel of hilarity. How sick can you be, fella? I know you had fun writing this one..x

jackie dick said...

A jewel of hilarity, Brian. How sick can you be?

Rosemary Nissen-Wade said...

Great fun! And well imagined - ???

The Linnet said...

This is a really surreal poetic walk :)

Tania A said...

This was ... yes. I love it. Just .. yes.

Rachel said...

brilliant and hilarious.

FrankandMary said...

75% reduction tells me how very bad it was previous. Yikes. So glad you are on the mend. I really love kale & almost any veggie, just plain. A mostly secret pleasure, because I sound so obnoxiously Miss Healthy when I say it, but it is true.

Miss Laura A. Day said...

A PURE pleasure to read and enjoy...never disappointed. :)

Elizabeth Young said...

Oh Brian, your lack of inhibition is refreshing! (Sure hope your wife feels the same way.)

happygirl said...

So you've got some core work to do. You do that, Mr. Brian. You work that core.

Dawn said...

This is genius! I read and reread to relive it. On a separate note, glad you are on the mend. Feel better soon. :)

JJ Roa Rodriguez said...

oh you cool guy! :-))

JJRod'z

Semaphore said...

Whoa, I hope you're getting better, these fevered poetic compositions are raising the mercury beyond the limit. as always, a virtuoso performance.

Ginny Brannan said...

Laughing here in MA, too. All I can say is that sinus infection of yours must've been a real whopper, your story seems to hit ALL the bases!! (yeah, pun intended!!) I know I can always count you to take the ordinary and make it extraordinary! Yours is the first I've read, thanks for making my night!!

Annmarie Pipa said...

I am prudish enough to actually boycott this stuff enough so that i do not understand what you are trying to convey!

Vicki Lane said...

Great fun, Brian. Only you could turn a sinus infection into a bawdy poem.( hope you're all better now!)

Glenn Buttkus said...

This is def the best "fever write" I have read this month; fine job. It resounds with personal connectives, still you are a good enough writer it is hard to separate real from surreal; no matter, another fine voyage of poetic discovery over here at way station one.

C Rose said...

excellent write Brian! I loved the journey of images this prompted along the way.! ~ Rose

theborgpoet said...

sinuses..oog...GQ even worse...

Katherine Krige said...

Ouch! That sounds pretty lame Brian. My sinuses are acting up, but I can only blame it on the weather & allergies.

Hope you are feeling ship-shape again soon. And keep reading those articles! Your wife just might appreciate it! :p

Stacy Uncorked said...

I absolutely LOVE how creative you are!! Thanks for the giggle! ;)

Ed Pilolla said...

even through a fever your sly humor is at work throughout. i love your hearing, as if being force-fed, the chipmunks, followed by the politicians. it had a little delirious quality. and you brought it home.

Duane Scott said...

I have died laughing at this tonight.

farmlady said...

"stiff and throbbing
Sinuses..."
God, Brian. This is hilarious.
Only you could have this much fun waiting for a prescription.
Hope the meds work.

Debra said...

"Talk deep & dirty." and maybe it's the fever talking, because when the old lady passes in the aisle of the pharmacy looks back at me blushing.
I can see it!
This was a fun one!
Get well Brian.Eat your greens, especially the kale ;-)

aprille said...

Haha
Sounds like a saliva gland infection. Can you swallow without pain?

Fred Rutherford said...

Well, hope you get better soon. But, what an example of turning a negative into a positive, as this piece is chock full of thoughts and commentary, all tied together with a wonderfully humorous stitch. The wordplay is great, and so is the positioning of the carry over lines, which add that pause that a comedian would use on stage. Awesome read. Thanks

Aidz Giannini said...

Thank you for sharing your personal life for all to see and witness lol can I have some of what yr smoking...please

Dave King said...

Oh, this is SO good. To get your wife AND your mom into a sex story is sheer brilliance, and then to make it funny - not just humerous, but straight-grained bloody funny - takes it right out beyond all the parameters. I'd say I enjoyed it, but it would sound like I was damning it with faint praise.

Adura Ojo said...

Hahaha, Brian!

You took us through quite a few twists and turns there! A lot of 'health awareness' - and possibly some reworking of the old Oedipus complex in there. Get well soon, mate.

Well crafted. Enjoyed it.

Old Ollie said...

My mind is stuck on the old SNL Sex coach skit. LOL

Charles Miller said...

Dude, I hope you get better soon. Stay out of the way of those nutty bacteria too. I don't know about sex coaches, though as a budding lothario I once read a manual on these things. Great line about politicians, is that how they seduce everyone? Makes you wonder about the role of pasdions and biology in the life of the body politic. Where are the cops when you need them? :)

ginn3music said...

Oh, this is too funny! Exactly how one feels when caught reading those magazines in the checkout line!!!! Excellent description--hope you feel much better soon!!!

sharonlee said...

A fever write indeed! I have one those somwhere...

... this was outstanding lol

Polly said...

heh-heh ...

Patricia said...

Oh my gosh, Brian... you have so many surprises. I am laughing here! =)

beckykilsby said...

s'pose there might be worse jobs :)

Love the tone of this Brian, the textures, the shifts in mood... and don't blame it on the sinuses..

Cressida de Nova said...

HILARIOUS.Especially the part about the cops.The idea of a sex coach is really creepy although they have classes now in how to teach people to laugh. They should join a poetry blog instead ( for the laughing,I mean:)

Uneven Stephen said...

Creative write, totally made me laugh. I keep thinking about how un-sexy that tweed jacket (and kale) is.

Margaret said...

ha ha! I have found myself blushing (ME... and HOW old will I be when this will stop?) while reading an article from a magazine while waiting in the grocery line. ... and yes, I HAVE actually learned a thing or two :)

Glad you are feeling better.

Chris Wood said...

Brian, way to amuse me from a distance brother! and thanks for providing enough ammo to "tickle my own fancy" ! And to think we might be worried about "idle hands and minds"!

Jody Costa said...

HA!!! oh brian!

Quotes,Photos and a little Poetry said...

Glad to hear your better, It sounds like it sounds hurtful. I'am amazed that you could write as well as you have done here and keeping us posted on the what's going on around us as well.

my heart's love songs said...

happy to hear you're feeling better!

a very "interesting" write! {smile}

kolembo said...

Good stuff, all gritty and current. Cool sweat over my body after reading this. Littered with stuff...

"...put a ring on it..."

and loved the last stanza.
Enjoyed experience enough to re-read!

adan said...

sinus infection and erections, whoa! ;-) very interesting read, and really made for me with that last stanza -

here's to hoping you got home safe ;-)

Raven said...

Brian, I am sorry for your illness. Please hear me. Sinus infections can be deadly. There are 2 kinds. Acute and Chronic (the only difference is that Chronic lasts for over 12 weeks). Learn everything about them. A sinus infection ate away part of my jawbone and I had to have a graft. If yours has come and gone ... you had acute and that is good. But learn anyway and be watchful.

Great poem. Now I never do this but I must do it with you and Becca (you are both important to me.

So go here:
http://crowsfete.blogspot.com/2012/06/june-17th-sunday-tree-japanese-black.html

sheila said...

glad you are feeling better. When that sick and miserable, I guess thoughts of sex are a good way to escape from reality for a moment (smiles)

william said...

hehhe this was erotic and yet very well understood mate.

Rachel Hoyt said...

LOL. Love the ending! I bet those conjugal visits could put some spark in the marriage. :P

joanna said...

this was a romp, b. all that from a trip to the cvs, oh my! apparently i don't read enough GQ... and you write well with a fever.

glad you're feeling better, though. smiles.