Thursday, February 23, 2012

55 - son of a son of a son of a

snow crusted lip,
breathed grey by exhaust,
ditch, in which sits

a beer can
dented & crushed, slow
eaten by rust, intox-

ication consumed, only
one golden drop left, to catch
the sun, un-

noticed by passing cars,
face, window pressed
watching power-

lines murdered by crows
the whistle wind blows
desperado

& he,

daddy,
come home

Tell a story in 55 words. Give it a try or just read more, go see g-man.

Over at dVerse today, Blue Flute is running the bar for FormForAll examining a different approach to our writing by using tanglible images. 

104 comments:

The Silver Fox said...

Ooh. Unexpected ending, as always! Love it.

Anthony Desmond said...

sweet end man. great write!

laurie said...

wow,

Sandi McBride said...

very nicely done

SUCEN said...

+follower

Nice info

Becky Sain said...

Oh... wait. I wasn't ready for that ending.
Great stuff!

pandamoniumcat said...

Isolation and saddness in 55 words... very powerful. I loved the "lines murdered by crows - the whistle wind blows desperado"...actually I loved it all.

skyraft said...

Wonderful closing lines.

And I really enjoyed how you punctuated this piece. Real nice effect there.

Great work.

Magpie said...

Yes...come home.

Monkey Man said...

Maybe this one should just stay where he is and end a cycle.

Beachanny said...

The most amazing image of all, to me, is the one not named. You're such a genius at suggestion and innuendo. The reader can place the perspective and infinity point in this place anywhere. I chose to see this from ground level. Perhaps because I had one who never came home. I don't know. Excellent, as always.

Daniel said...

I have actually read and re-read this one. So powerful, so emotional.

Chazinator said...

The images are so intensely lived, the memory of them we all know, assembled so artfully and sensitively, their utter emptiness and profanity brought to life. Even without the sad ending they would have been enough, like a Rauschenberg assemblage. But the ending adds that poetic dimension of of our souls that no painting can reveal or affect. Wonderful piece.

Fred Rutherford said...

really cool visuals here, the first stanza is awesome, love it. Really cool ending too. Thanks

Daydreamertoo said...

Fabulous 55~!

Mama Zen said...

I love "lines murdered by crows."

Grace said...

the line "murdered by crows" stood out for me ~

the ending was bittersweet ~

Bonnie said...

How do you always make the mundane sights of everyday living glitter with fascination, Brian?

Oh ... I know ... talent!

g-man said...

Brian....
I must be stupid. I don't understand this one at all!!
Sorry Son, I don't think in poetic abstracts.
I'm glad everyone one else gets it...
Thanks for playing though
Have a Kick Ass WeekEnd

Reena Walkling said...

Jimmy Buffett come home!
great words as always my friend

Pat Hatt said...

Never saw the ending coming
That was a bit bumming
If that is a word
I thought you were going to flip the bird
And end son of a with something that rhymes with ith
But so much better than such a glitch
The crows line was grand too
Oh and blogger is placing you
In spam when you comment other places
I bet it's also making funny faces

Pat Hatt said...

Oh and by bumming I mean sad
Poor lad

Mary said...

The ending indeed says it all, Brian!

Arian Tejano said...

love how it reads.

hedgewitch said...

This is excellent, brian. The whole thing is told in images, both visual and mental, each one more striking than the last--the ending is way good, in fact the fourth and fifth verses are staggeringly so for both economy and richness of language.

I think I just wrote a longer comment than the poem. ;_) Yeah, okay--so I liked it.

Beth Winter said...

I saw the entire trip and felt the plea at the end. Wonderful work. Love "murdered by crows"

oceangirl said...

I don't quite understand it too, I do that with poetry sometimes but it is me, but I do understand that at the end the son wants his dad to come home, which makes me feel sad.

Janna said...

For some reason, the part that stays with me the most is that it's "unnoticed by passing cars".

I keep wanting to see it as a metaphor for loneliness; being unnoticed by other people in the world while life speeds by.

But maybe that's just me. :)

Thanks for another Friday 55!
Mine's here. :)

zongrik said...

i was envisioning this beautiful pristine snowy landscape and there's a beer can marring it. grossssss!!! good job describing.

PattiKen said...

You may have meant something totally different, but having had a daddy who drank his way home... this resonated.

On the other hand, I can offset that by focusing on the title, and listening to Jimmy Buffet sing "Salt for your meat, and cinnamon sweet/And the rum is for all your good vices."

Blue Flute said...

Wow, this was great! I'm glad I reread this a few times. The subtle hinting at the event is exactly what makes this give such an impact. I can't say enough good things about it, very clever and delicate use of images to convey powerful emotions indirectly.

Laurie Kolp said...

Oh, that ending almost made me cry. Very touching, Brian.

farmlady said...

I'm with G-man on this one, Brian. I have reread it and reread it. I love the sound and the wording but I just don't understand.
But, with respect for Archibald MacLeish and Ars Poetica...you know... "A poem should not mean, but be..." I will just keep reading it and I hope, at some point, to be enlightened and amazed.

janaki nagaraj said...

Touching end.Nice.

Janice Trinh said...

Wow. So descriptive. I love the ending!

Yvonne Osborne said...

You sure know your way around a line break.

Your endings always surprise me.
And I can never read anything you write but once.

Brian Miller said...

gay and patti def are striking the cord i was going after...a father not home...for whatever reason...

faces pressed to the window...

the empty beer can with one bit left...

the eagles song desperado...

so, that is what my thought was--and i actually appreciate you telling me when you dont understand something...that is def the kind of comments i do not mind....smiles.

Yousei Hime said...

Though not in syllabic count, you already right using "plain" imagery to resonate with more and beyond. Another really good read. :)

Claudia said...

this hit me madly in the stomach..if you hadn't already given us a hint in the title, i would've thought it's "just" a road scene-- but then, it starts already cold with the snow crusted lips, the breathed grey by exhaust-- then something left - not much though - just one drop, but still powerful enough to catch some warmth - and then i saw him - for whatever reason it was a little boy i saw, pressing his face against the windscreen and all the sadness and loneliness in the world in these last lines.. an awesome, powerful write brian

Tara Miller said...

That was a heavy post with an ending I wasn't expecting. A sad and lonely visual of a little boy watching for his dad to come home is what I saw.

manicddaily said...

Well done. K.

Tina said...

Seems your murder of crows line was a hit! Having an alcoholic in the family, this was bittersweet. "Daddy come home, but please not with beer." (Not my Dad, just for the record.)
Tina @ Life is Good

Co-Host of the April 2012 Blogging from A to Z Challenge

Twitter:
@AprilA2Z
#atozchallenge

Alice Audrey said...

Visually very moving and evocative.

Susie Clevenger said...

Great...I didn't expect the ending

anthonynorth said...

An excellent ending to this.

SueAnn said...

Yes...stands out for me too...
"unnoticed by passing cars". A total life; a moment in time...unseen by others.
Powerful Brian
Hugs
SueAnn

Dave King said...

I can see all this so clearly, each moment, each step of the way. Superb.

ayala said...

Nice...last lines cool... :)

happygirl said...

I crushed beer can makes me think of daddy, too.

MorningAJ said...

I love "power-
lines murdered by crows"

That's brilliant.

My 55 are here.

Nimue said...

ah .. how lovely to read and so touching in the end ...

izzy said...

Love ...whistle wind blows desperado-
I kinda did that yesterday,
It was a topsy turvy day. Thanks!

adan said...

"intox-
ication consumed" -

and the lead through from the face pressed on the glass and crows murdering the lines and back to the boy (in my mind) wanting his dad to come home...

really touching, loved it brian, lots of feeling deep in the images - thanks!

Linda said...

Nice 55 Brian, but I'm glad I'm not the only one who "doesn't get it". Which actually happens more often with poetry than I would like to admit (even though I write it myself).

Anyway, I can relate to the last lines daddy, come home. My daddy was a truck driver, and as a "daddy's girl" I was always waiting for him to come home.

DJan said...

I didn't feel like I needed to understand this one, but I did. Adult child of an alcoholic definitely helped. Got it and glad to read I was on the right track.

Valerie said...

I was flummoxed until I read it through again. You are a master of surprise endings.

darsden said...

:-)

Nara Malone said...

Love the way you employed a stark style to echo the subject. Powerful write.

Lolamouse said...

This one reminded me of all those sad little boys who keep waiting for daddies who aren't coming home, for whatever reason. Very sad.

Hilary said...

So sad. So many lives are discarded this way.. much like that beer can.

Valerie said...

Good images! I'm on record as not being a fan of the word breaks you play with, but the poem is strong regardless of my personal preferences/biases.

Raivenne said...

Oh, I ... wow. Excellently told. The succinctness making each visual all the more distinct and the ending just sucker punches. Bravo!

turtlememoir said...

not only images, but a story - nice!

Pat said...

"Power lines murdered by crows". Wow. Some great lines in there!

stu mcp (hate & hope) said...

damn! I love this! haunting...I can see the car and hear the crows and hear the rush of the whistling wind. A story in 55 words- now THAT is a challenge- good skills my friend...wish I could capture atmosphere as well as this...

Favourite-

watching power-
lines murdered by crows
the whistle wind blows
desperado

Sue said...

I wish they would all come home.

"/

kweschn said...

Brian, this is awesome! :)

Glenn Buttkus said...

68+ comments on 55 words;
a kudo for you, sir; and the
poem is powerful, and contains
all that inner monologue, that
poetry between the lines;
a poetic punch to the plexus.

RD said...

this hurts a bit....

you are good at that some times

Peace ☮

hope said...

Interesting!

Gloria said...

absolutely nice Brian:)

tera said...

I like that the wind whistles Desperado.
Grey and bleak, yet hopeful at the same time.
Nice job. :)

Laura said...

nice 55 Brian...that one golden drop...murdered by crows...love it!

Other Mary said...

Last lines make the poem and break my heart.

ds said...

Oh! Heartwrenching. Poor little boy. Well done, sir. Thank you.

The Thirteenth Crossing said...

I loved the formatting on this. It enhanced my enjoyment. It just flowed so nicely.

55 Flash Fiction Friday: I’m Late

kaykuala said...

Brian,
A wayward Dad it appears. Looking at all life's remnants strewn, reminds of Dad. Come home Dad!

Hank

flaubert said...

That is very sad, Brian. Probably very true of many households.

Pamela

Travel & Dive Girl said...

Nicely done.

Vicki Lane said...

Catching up -- the smell a fire leaves clings to everything. So glad yours wasn't worse. Love the observations on socks (I buy only one color myself) and today's poem is a wonderful, touching bit of wordplay. How DO you do it?

Teresa said...

Great images in here! Love the break in words.

Secret Agent Woman said...

A lot of sad longing in that one.

emily wierenga said...

this made me ache inside. in a good way.

Adam said...

nice ending

Ann (bunnygirl) said...

"Murdered by crows" is so clever I'm jealous I didn't think of it first!

A touching ending. We should all feel like it's okay to go home.

Becca said...

Thats not what I expected at all. You are an amazing writer :)

everedwater said...

An unnerving ending Brian. Fantastic!

Kathy Bischoping said...

I hear that lonesome whistle blow...I like how the poem turns kinda country & western with "desperado" too.

the walking man said...

I have never seen quite an odd set of line and verse breaks..they really pull the eye into a different place than the usual and makes one read it through and through again. This would be, for me, a hard piece to read aloud.

shewriting said...

The Friday drive home from work was always a good feeling for me.

Syd said...

We all welcome someone home at some time.

annell said...

Wow, that was a touching one! It crushed my heart, like the can in the ditch. I felt it for a moment. Well done.

manicddaily said...

Pretty crazy combination of images! Dessicated like river beds such a wonderful line. K.

Gerry Snape said...

"lines murdered by crows"...that's one great line! Brilliant

CiCi said...

My brother and I could so relate to this.

Sharp Little Pencil said...

Brian, Brian. So poignant, not far from the experience of many. Leap from can to little boy, my God, brilliant. Amy
http://sharplittlepencil.wordpress.com/2012/02/22/the-ward-and-me-sunday-whirl/

lifeisaroadtrip said...

I think you get an A+ for this assignment!

Madeleine Begun Kane said...

Beautifully done!

Heather said...

hmm, lines murdered by crows...lots to think about

Lisa Golden said...

Wow, Brian! I love the rhythm of this. You paint a clear picture with an economy of words. That's no easy feat.

Goofball said...

sounds more like the son is on his way to....is the son going to go home?

Myrna R. said...

This was sad, it touched me.

william said...

As always Brian your 55 is powerful and very well composed, carry on the good work, you notice I wait for a few posts before I visit, its just time is the enemy, but I always try to catch up, as I love your work..

Sheila said...

Very tangible images here. Crows murder lines - I like that!