Thursday, February 2, 2012

55 & 55 - Variations in Martian

Over at dVerse Poets today Semaphore has us writing Maritian poetry, which is rather fun. I have two versions, each with very different messages. Doors open at 3 pm EST.

Driving round the Terminus, Rolex & Lexus

A (k)night is lost without sex-tant,
an index arm & indicator to measure
the angle of heaven to earth, plotting
course, chart vast nebulas,
skimming black hole rims
with milky way trails, o'conquest

there's no sound in space
without molecules to vibrate

& they may name (y)our constellation
but does it really give it meaning?

                ~~~~~
Once more around the Term-in-us

night is lost without a sextant,
along my index arm, an indicator
measuring heaven's angles
to earth, plotted course, chart
vast nebulas, skim black hole rims
coupling comets leaving, milky way trails
birthing u-n-i-verses

there's no sound in space
without molecules to vibrate, what
will they name our constellation?

ground control, we'll re-enter
                                    next orbit
Each is written in 55 words, one of which should make up for schlepping off my 55 on my son last week to appease the host with the most that makes us fit the 5 x 5 box, g-man.

98 comments:

Sue said...

Amazing first line.

And just such a sweet, smart, and sexy poem.

=)

sage said...

Interesting parallels here and play on words.

adeeyoyo said...

Love the play on words, Brian. Personally, i think some portions of each are better than the other so maybe you should write a third version, lol!

Brian Miller said...

sue that is def what i was going for in the second one...passion...while the first was a bit more socio-political...

Rae said...

That was a fun read. I enjoyed your take on space.

Mary said...

Hmmmm, Martian poetry??

Both poems are fascinating word play. Love the way you use (k)night..and you have me thinking about naming of constellations!

Myrna R. said...

These are so different, yet you use many of the same words. I like them both.

JJ Roa Rodriguez said...

Your post Sir Brian always challenges me. With limitations in the language and not poet by nature, made me think deep and read between the lines. Trying my best. Thank you for that. Gives me things to learn...

JJRod'z

Btw, thank s for always dropping by my blog. I am happy I gave you laugh with my last post.

♥●• İzdihër •●♥ said...

LOVE BOTH POEMS.
I know I can not write any such thing.

Following your blog.

P/s :Thanks for your wished.Hope to see you more .

Laurie Kolp said...

Brian~ Oh, my... that first one is rather hot with those undertones...

happygirl said...

Coupling comets. mwahaha

I love the contrast and similarity. It's through the looking glass. :)

Pat Hatt said...

Look at you
Doubling up for the 55 that's due
They can each go together
And split off like plucking a feather
As off the mind floats
Like space goats
hmmm guess that should be ghost
Must have ate some bad roast

Grace said...

I like both versions, and I find myself measuring heaven's angles to earth. A challenge to write in 55 words ..I am still dreaming of my words ~

Sub-Radar-Mike said...

Such glorious double entendres... unless I'm reading into them too much haha.

JeannetteLS said...

Yup, Both have their unique tone and, umm, heat index. Well. One has a heat index.

Enter both, separately, but unite them. Couple them into one. They work.

But personally? I will keep "There's no sound in space without molecules to vibrate" reverberating in my head for the rest of the day. I like saying them.

What would I do without my daily stop to fill up at WaystationOne?

AmyLK said...

they are both great!

Manicddaily said...

Well, perhaps I am more of a traditionalist, but I really prefer the second, I think; to me, more poignant. K.

Fred Rutherford said...

Oh these were really neat and a form I've never heard of either- this is great. Thanks Brian. Love how each of your two pieces are similar in ways but different in others, excellent.

Steve E said...

Actually, re-entering the next orbit, is not exactly what I have in mind --which is just to go home...and sleep! And dream of orbiting spheres, plotting courses, and dealing with sex--I mean sextants and.......Oh skip it B. Sooo tired.

PEACE!

flaubert said...

Love both of these, Brian. Nicely done, I felt like I was floating in space.

Pamela

Claudia said...

i'm just amazed at how much the whole atmosphere changes with just shifting and exchanging a few words.. my fav is def. version 2...love the warmth and sensual passion..

G-Man said...

I'm quite certain that the Friday Funfest was limited to Earthlings!
But since I make the Rules, all I have to say is...
Gort...Klattu Berada Nicto 55
Gonad Borghum Riff Week-End...:-)

Who Is Afraid Of Miss Lovett? No, Mrs.Lovett... said...

sue that is def what i was going for "in the second one...passion...while the first was a bit more socio-political..."

Hi! Brian...
Tks, for S-p-e-l-l-i-n-g that out for [me]...I kind Of, "sensed" that the first poem was more [socio] political and the second 55 was more [personal] or as you say, more passionate.

Nice use Of 55poeticwordsTwice!
deedee :-D

Mystic_Mom said...

nicely and most cleverly done!

Betsy said...

oh how clever!

She Writes Here Now said...

Ahhh, so this is the way the angle of heaven and earth are measured? Perhaps this is why I not only skim black holes, but find myself within them :).

I liked the first poem the best. LOVEd the third and fifth lines.

Daydreamertoo said...

I like both Brian but, think I like the second best. Both are good though 'Ground control to Major Bri'
LOL

Charles Miller said...

You always amaze me at your ability to riff on a theme. Like a great frontman you take the theme and improvise a totally original take. In 55 words?! That's impressive, as is your ability to keep me transfixed to the arc of the melody as it goes down.

Natasha Head said...

Take me to your leader, Poet...cause I wanna write like you! Brian...these are freaking awesome! I stumbled with this one, and am wishing I had checked you and Claudia out first! (Steal the muse, so to speak) Fantastic!

Quaz said...

Pretty interesting writing Brian. I love them both

~L said...

You never cease to amaze me... I think you should teach me about the technicalities of poetry... I just write... I think I'm a blond when reading how to write something specifically! I took by the prompt that you describe something with out saying what it is... using a way to explain something that would usually not be the way one would portray it? idk:) You are so talented and seem to know a lot... :)

~L

Lolamouse said...

Amazing word (p)lay in both!

Mama Zen said...

Very cool, Brian!

Ginny Brannan said...

I could see the similarities, but the approaches surely brought to mind different meanings (for me, socio-political did not come to mind with either!)
I think I enjoyed the second more, it somehow seemed to take a smoother, softer meaning without the ( ) parenthesis & added letters interrupting. Clever & well written, Brian!

farmlady said...

I agree with "adeeyoyo" Take the best from both poems and do a third. There are some great lines and word play in both.
Like them both.

Anonymous said...

My favorites are these same-but-different sections:

"skimming black hole rims
with milky way trails, o'conquest"

"coupling comets leaving, milky way trails
birthing u-n-i-verses"

~Shawna
rosemarymint.wordpress.com
(just posted some music you may like)

stu mcp (hate & hope) said...

really like the contrast given by the 2 pieces (even though they are interlinked)...so many different meanings read here- the knight- a chess piece- a metaphor for a mans constricted ability to move and think only in scientific terms- not truly capturing the wonders (even the spirituality of the universe)- and as a result- massively missing out. That's just ONE image I get- awesome use of words- again- my effort is dull in comparison to this!

nerima roberts said...

And the weird thing is, there is absolutely NO NOISE in outer space. I wish for some of that quiet nere on earth.

pandamoniumcat said...

A interesting look at space and word play... :)

Daniel said...

A real-life two-fer. Nice. I think I'll go back for another turn!

ayala said...

Both cool :)

Secret Agent Woman said...

I liked reading those side by side and trying to see how they felt different.

Caty said...

loved how the difference in the two changed the feel/meaning of the wording.

Semaphore said...

This is just like you... Martian poetry being difficult enough as it is... you aren't satisfied and up the ante, so that you challenge yourself even more! Great concept here, something I'd like to try out myself sometime!

joanna said...

like the use of parentheses there. ;) but i think i like the second version best...

hedgewitch said...

Cool, my friend. I have to say, both are amazing but I can feel the second one hit a little closer--constellation line in both is, er...stellar? *runs* Excellent 55. I'll have to see if I have any Martian in me.

Teresa said...

I do love both versions. You have great play on words and certainly have achieved the goal on both~romantic/political.

Beachanny said...

Awesome - by two! I feel as though I'm crawling around on my knees and haven't yet looked up to see the sky when I read your work. You really do have the most ingenious mind and equally innovative way of using words. Kudos!

KB said...

Marian poetry, what a great idea.

Anne Frank said...

This is soooooooooooo experimental. Love the way you play with the words, your style and your rhythm. You are definetely a very mature poet, my most sincere congratulations.

TALON said...

"...they may name (y)our constellation
but does it really give it meaning?" - loved this, Brian!

Actually, I immensely enjoyed all 110 words and Martian thoughts. :)

Yvonne Osborne said...

Brilliant! I love this, Brian, the play on words, the knight and the sextant...the big question.

One of my favorites, fer sure!

lime said...

very evocative imagery in each one. amazing how such minor tweaks gives such different tones. ah the power of words.

JANU said...

Intelligent writing...had to read couple of times to understand this. coool

magiceye said...

wow the life cycle!

Tara Miller said...

Thanks for the explanation,love. You do have a way with words. ;)

Anyes said...

A poet you are indeed :-)

Sam!! said...

Nice One!

anthonynorth said...

Excellent wordplay.

Dave King said...

We're used to clever from you, but this is doubly clever. Clever twice over - did you get that from the Martians, or have you always had it? An absolute joy to read.

Valerie said...

Everyone has said it all, Brian. All I can say now is well done ... and clever.

Cad said...

I've come down to earth with a bump after reading that! LOL

sharmishtha said...

good question. without any sound out there, what will they name our constellation :)

Jyoti Mishra said...

awesome use of words..
loved it.. frm starting till he end :)

Goofball said...

I feel much more relax in 2nd version

Dani said...

probably no verse out there in the universe either
or 55s ( well perhaps!)

Happy Friday

Syd said...

I know how to use that sex-tant. And the sun and stars guide me.

MorningAJ said...

I like them both but I prefer the second one. Seems like the rhythm is more natural, somehow. (Though if we're talking Martian maybe I should go for the less natural one........)

You always make me think about how things are written. This is a good thing!

Jess Mistress of Mischief said...

I love the feeling I get when I read your poetry, thank you!

izzy said...

I am rather fond of the first one because it makes me giggle.Thank you for the puns!

Ash said...

This is amazing, Brian!

Lorraine said...

I way to go to heaven, I want to go now

Magpie said...

I love your different takes on these very similar lines.
"heaven's angles to earth" or could it be heaven's angels to earth? :) Now you have me thinking like you.
Happy weekend!

Liz @ A Nut in a Nutshell said...

I like them both!

Slamdunk said...

You socio-political? No.

I always appreciate your style Brian.

Alice Audrey said...

I think I like the second version better, and what's wrong with a little schlepping?. Seriously, have you seen my Etsy store? I keep expecting someone to mention child labor laws, even though it's them behind it, not me.

Nick Rolynd said...

God, you're always so good at wordplay! Makes me jealous! Great piece. =)

Joanna Jenkins said...

Wow- A Twofer! Thanks.
jj

moondustwriter said...

Bradbury comes to mind
Have fun on Mars Bri

Bodhirose said...

You did such a great job on both of these, Brian--I love the reference to the index arm as indicator...I'd love to have a constellation named after me..

Valerie said...

Prefer the second one... showing my bias against futzing around with dashes and parentheses. I like to let the reader naturally discover those word warpings rather than making them obvious. That in mind, "u-n-i-verses" grates, but as stated, personal bias. I like "coupling comets" for the image and alliteration.

Raven said...

Wow...how many different ways this can be read. Amazing as always :)

Reena Walkling said...

I'm always amazed at the diversity of your words ... just awesome today.

Vicki Lane said...

Love seeing both versions -- how does a poet ever know when a poem's done?

yellowhousecafe said...

Major Tom, you read...it's ground control...I think Brian's out of control with his 55 verse...
Both write are just fab, of course, Fun how you used basically the same words, but the feel/take is very different. cheers ~

Christine said...

It's a good thing that the link expires in 2 hours because I cannot even attempt to write something this good, amazing Brian.

marousia said...

Amazing work Brian ... love the word plays

Wander said...

I like the second verse better than the first, but bolth are good!

Here is my 55 and then some

http://wanderwithoutbeinglost.blogspot.com/2012/02/sleeper-must-awaken.html

Wander

Lydia said...

Oh, Brian, such cosmic 55s for this fascinating dVerse prompt. They blow my mind. I am partial to the first one, mostly due to that (k) and that (y).

One of the 2012 wall calendars I bought for the house contains a huge image each from the Hubble telescope. Think I'll tape these poems of yours to the back to keep.

Leovi said...

The two I like, perhaps more the second, displays more greatness.

dinejo said...

that's wonderful..

FrankandMary said...

The second one is more strangely lovely. ~Mary

Margaret said...

I bailed on this Martian challenge... metaphors and martian's ... my circuits shorted out! AND YOU DO TWO! (and your son's was not schlepping... it was sharing your pride and joy... and it was good!

tracy said...

The countdown's on for Major Tom. Nice one ten. :-)

Skill Devil said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
william said...

A subject dear to my heart and obviously yours, space the final frontier lol..

Lisa Golden said...

This is so clever. I let a few pile up in my email and dang, this was worth the wait.

PattiKen said...

Very clever word play, space man.