Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Breakfast with Divinity


The local news, this morning, featured the inventor
of the Jesus toaster, which may or may not be a
great Christmas gift but at least

This way you can have breakfast with Him
any time you want, look him in his slightly charred eyes
as you give thanks, before biting His left ear off,

Or let Him know you will butter His toast if and when
He butters yours, but I wonder how He feels
with jam smeared all over His face, does it
have to be sweet Concord grape
for a proper communion.

Being fond of black raspberry, i am
hoping for grace and

Having seen the ones that burn NFL logos
on your bread, perhaps He was jealous
seeing as they already get 9 hours on Sunday
to His one.

Then again, I won't speak too loud considering
the gas station carries 12 inch buck knives,
one inch for each disciple, with His brand
and 'GOD is love' down the handle
for when you need to clean your kill

Honestly, I changed the channel,
I can only take so much news,
before it gets depressing.


105 comments:

Titanium said...

Oh my god, they've hit a new low. Eating Jesus- it's not just for Sundays any more.

And the knife handles? *shudders*

Reminds me of the massive paddle that hung in the principal's office when I was a first grader. Big, ugly, horrible thing with holes drilled in it and wood-burned with "God is Love".

Uh-huh.

Mama Zen said...

Amen, brother!

PattiKen said...

The Jesus toaster... I shudder to think what might come next.

MorningAJ said...

Merry Christmas ;)
Toasted turkey sandwiches anyone?

LadyCat said...

This gives new meaning to the bread of life. And as you say add grape jelly and it def reminds one of communion, but not in a good way.

pspacer11 said...

Somewhere, in the dark recess of my mind, I seem to recall reading about something like this?

We have penis like vegetables, animal like shadows, shrouds that are....
and now toasters!

Brilliant what you have done with this. 1 hour v 12 hours, no wonder there is only one winner ;-)

Daydreamertoo said...

I am certain Jesus was never meant to have his face covered in Jam or butter. It is sickening how his name is taken in vain for commercialism and money making. I've never been a great believer in the Bible (as such) but, have always believed in Jesus and his story. These people who do this and the people who buy into it all ought to be ashamed.

Lisa notes... said...

My daughter was just saying this morning that we needed a new toaster. I'll have to tell her about this one. :-)

happygirl said...

Jesus toast. Oh my. I guess it's one way to get a little more God in our lives. :)

5thsister said...

In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Toast, AMEN!

I'm chuckling because I just ordered my dad (a die hard KC Chief fan) a Chiefs toaster. Can you believe they are backordered? LOL!

Tara Miller said...

hmmmm.....really?

Kathy's Klothesline said...

Wow, I am speechless ...... Who would you you gift such a toaster to? Your pastor?

Tom said...

what's next you ask? perhaps the crying Madonna pancakes or counter top wafer makers. I see a whole new market for..oh never mind, don't want to start any holy wars here

Rachel said...

hmm. you've taken something as seemingly simple as toast and the toaster and made it profound.

richness here.

Sue said...

Oh my gosh. This one is hilarious and horrifying all at once.

Please tell me there is not really a toaster that does this!

=)

Laurie Kolp said...

Ha... my husband likes black raspberry, too. I prefer grape. That would have made me sick, too.

Sub-Radar-Mike said...

Very well written. Totally agree about the news... I can't stand to watch it for too long.

Cathy said...

You astonish me how you can take just about anything, big or small, bossy or shy, straight-laced or eccentric, and encourage it to meet its fate face to face in a poem. And my oh my this is some anything! Jesus toast! I used to have a waffle iron shaped like a heart. For years we greeted Sunday morning with a golden brown waffle bleeding homemade strawberry jam...

Brian Miller said...

the scary part of this is it is all true...i may have mentioned the buck knife before...it horrifies me every time....the toaster though...when it was on the news this morning it sent me over the edge a bit...

jesustoaster.com

HopeUnbroken said...

ugh.

Caty said...

um, looks to me like Jesus is tipping back a cold one...but maybe it's just a cream soda?

ells said...

oh my....leaves me a bit speechless...blessings~

Chester Mark B. Tamayo said...

lol, a literal example of bread of life.

Eva Gallant said...

OMG! Until I read the comments, I thought it was a joke!

Slamdunk said...

I am guessing there is a market. Somewhere it is on a Christmas list.

Ash said...

A Jesus toaster ? I now know what to buy for my atheist boyfriend this Christmas. Thanks for the gift idea, Brian! :-)

Beautifully written!

Shawna said...

I am fond of anyone who spells "raspberry" correctly.

We have a toaster that burns the Alabama Crimson Tide logo into our toast. :)

Margaret said...

"they" may have hit a new low, but you have hit a new high! I adore this... Although it does look a bit more like Mary to me... I think the third stanza is perfection!

ayala said...

OMG, that would send me over the edge too.

Fred said...

They keep making crazy products that really should have been ended so early in the development phase. Great social commentary and the idea of what importance really is. Great job. Thanks

Margie said...

A Jesus toaster, that is just too crazy.
Well done, Brian.

Pass the black raspberry jam, it's one of my favorites!

Smiles :)

Magpie said...

What in the world??? This planet is becoming one crazy place!

SUCEN said...

Nyam nyam

Pat Hatt said...

hahaha not sure I was supposed to laugh as I went through
But they sure did ensue
Just at the ridiculous nature of such a thing
Who the heck gave this a ring
Hmmm I may have to give this a go to
Just too whacko not too

Carrie Burtt said...

I agree...news can get depressing....love what you did with this Brian....:-)

Jyoti Mishra said...

Jesus toaster :)
that was very witty :P

Merry Christmas in advance Brian !!!

Everyday Goddess said...

reminds me of the glee episode about when one of the characters thought the skillet marks on the grilled cheese sandwich looked like Jesus.

you had to be there. i'm a gleek.

Victoria said...

I just do not believe it. Poor, commercialized Jesus.

Betsy said...

Oh dear.

that's all...just Oh dear.

and that knife...oh deary dear.

Ryan and Melanie said...

Oh my! That is depressing. Very nice write.

Sheila Moore said...

oh my, is this for real (i like the comment about it giving new meaning to the phrase "bread of life")

kevin21 said...
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kevin21 said...
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Katherine Krige said...

Good thing you changed the channel! It would appear that it is all bad news. But this made me snicker (whether it was supposed to, I'm not sure)

K

DJan said...

I have never heard of this, I hope it's made up. But knowing how screwed up our world is, it's probably for real and it even has people buy it!

Mary said...

Jesus Toaster? thank goodness I have not seen such a thing advertised here. I wonder how they choose their market. Sounds like late-night (or 2 a.m.) television when they advertise things that might appeal to gullible insomniacs. Or is this something they bring out at Christmas like "Chia pets" or "the clapper" (gosh, really haven't seen 'the clapper' this year)? I guess everyone is looking for the angle which will sell. And if "Jesus toaster" sells, I guess it fills a niche.

Heather said...

i so agree - the local news can be VERY depressing.
I like plain buttered toast!

Vicki Lane said...

Oh. My.

I took a concealed carry class and one of the other participants had a big old pistol with a mother of pearl cross inlaid on the grip.

WWJC? What would Jesus carry?

Dolly @Soulstops said...

You made me laugh out loud - funny in a horrifying way...I have learned that it is best for me to not watch the news before bedtime...I try to pray over whatever touches my heart to bring light into the dark.

The Silver Fox said...

The human race is always finding new ways to be tacky... to say the very least.

Claudia said...

just wondering..do you get jesus oat flakes as well.. that would be interesting for me...smiles...nah..kinda weird..but the knives are really bad.. gave me shivers..

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

Brian, where did you come up with that one??

Shanda said...

Anything to make money. I wonder what Jesus would do to the tables in the stores that hold these toasters.

Joanna Jenkins said...

Finally, an alternative gift to the Chia Pet :-)

This is a hoot!

Merry Christmas, jj

PS Hope your son is doing well.

Shaunie @ Up the Sunbeam said...

Wow! I think you've explored the absolute nuttiness of this to the full extent!

Baino said...

Hahaha ...oops sorry...Is it wrong that I want one?

adeeyoyo said...

This is a new lower than low! What is happening to our world? I think it's time for a radical change for the better, and there's only One who can do it.

kaykuala said...

I like my French bread topped with beans. Not much chance of a toast with any image! Great write!

Hank

Rahul Bhatia said...

This was very interesting!

Mrsupole said...

Hi Brian,

I am still wondering if you saw the image in last weeks TT picture. It looks almost like what was on the toast. Very strange.

For me, not enough of the bread is toasted to make it seem like toast. Give me regular toast any day.

And that knife seems scary, does that place get robbed very often?

There must be something wrong with me because I can watch news all day, but I do tune bad things out.

This was another great Theme Thursday post. Thanks for playing.

God bless.

Lorraine said...

I love it as always, and you know once I invited God to have lunch with me, seriously but he didn't appear in my food, nonetheless I talked to him throughout my dinner break, then I thanked him very much ...

♫♪♥PhilO♥♪♫ said...

What an idea!

SueAnn said...

Now you know better than to watch those info commercials this time of year! Strange things are offered, Just saying...
Hugs
SueAnn

Birdie said...

well, there is not much to add to this is it? ... i wonder what they will invent next ... oh my!!! your poem about it is nice though, happy Thursday Brian!

manicddaily said...

I'm assuming a fair amount of this is made up--and very cleverly--but in modern life, cannot be sure. K.

kez said...

Think the concept of religious and iconic toast is hysterical ...thanks for making me smile x x x

Goofball said...

does that really exist? really? geeez

Dave King said...

Oh yes, that's so tacky, I've just got to get one - as a present for someone I know!

Zuzana said...

Oh, that is definitely something new. For some reason it got me thinking of the fact that now everyone can have they own private communion at home.;)
Have a great end of the week dear friend,
xoxo

Jinksy said...

Loved the 'God is love' crack about the knives! hehehe! Wicked. ♥

lifeisaroadtrip said...

This one was really clever, Brian. I am hoping for grace, too, as I prefer strawberry!

wolfsrosebud said...

Definitely, there is a much better way to have breakfast with Jesus by just opening the Word.

manicddaily said...

I just saw your note that products are real and available. Whole new meaning of sacrament, as you say. Very like Carl Hiassen--He has a wonderful book with apostle turtles and a guy who makes a living putting food coloring (red) in the water supply for a Virgin Mary statuette. It's called Lucky, something, but very very funny. A crazy culture. K.

Madhulika said...

Lovely picture and wonderful read as always :)
Merry Christmas :)

ladyfi said...

Ah yes - the imagination knows no bounds.

Congrats on your poetry book. Is it available for Kindle in Europe?

Valerie said...

How warped can they get? Honestly, if we sink much lower we'll be non-existent.

bajanpoet said...

What the ....

Love how u dealt with it in the poem, tho!

journeytoepiphany said...

I guess it's their version of the "Breakfast of Champions". No wonder no one takes Christianity seriously anymore. The toaster is tacky and disrespectful to say the least.

Blue Cotton Memory said...

Wow! You can have Jesus on your toast but NPR wants to delete 15 yard every time Tebow points to the Sky because his faith excludes others - and well, "there should be a separation of football and religion."

I think I would rather see Tebow give God praise than see Him on a piece of toast!

I do think the knife thing - well, there's a bunch of symbolism in weaponry, and even Jesus told the roman soldier that he had more faith than anyone in Jerusalem - I'm sure he had a knife, probably an arsenal!

Wonderful job, Brian!

Neha said...

Nice read, wish I could understand it better. All I got was something to do with a toaster that probably burns bread??

Merry Christmas :)

tera said...

I...uh... yah. What the heck? I can't even... um. Sheesh.

And I can't watch the news. I get too much of that crap during my day at work.

TALON said...

The idea of buttering Jesus, spreading him with jam and eating him totally creeps me out. :)

JANU said...

Glad we don't have toasters like these in India...with more than 300 million gods ...figure it out.
Nice.

william said...

lmao, classic, whatever next eh, it takes all sorts mate, great post.

emily wierenga said...

does it
have to be sweet Concord grape
for a proper communion.

wow. brian, i loved this post, and think i might have to repost it tomorrow on my blog as one of this week's highlights at imperfect prose's link-up, if that's okay with you? let me know if it isn't. a brilliant write (as always).

Charlotte Rains Dixon said...

I think my husband needs this for his toast with peanut butter every morning.

Matt Shedd said...

I absolutely love this! It is fun, delightful, and yet oozes with importance and heartache.

Lolamouse said...

Mmmmm. Jesus toast.

Daniel said...

I don't know if you meant this to be humorous, but I could not help giggling all the way through about Jesus toast and smearing him with jam.

Gemma Wiseman said...

Nothing like giving Christmas a toasty makeover! A lively, fun burning of couched traditionalism! And somehow giving Christmas back some living spirit!

Still don't like the dubious attraction of a Jesus toaster! But as inspiration for your poem, it's a winner!

paysan said...

Great poem Brian, your righteous anger comes shining through! And congratulations on the book, well done...

Bodhirose said...

Holey moley!

magicinthebackyard said...

sweet jesus man! this is brilliant! once again you have sent me into the labyrinth that is your mind! thank you!!!

http://magicinthebackyard.wordpress.com/2011/12/15/on-the-dock-where-summer-lied/

Kati patrianoceu said...

Wow, that is HILARIOUS. If I was ever inclined to consider Jesus toast before (probably due to economic expediency or good-old-fashioned-hunger, in my defence), you have most certainly turned me off from it now!

Heaven said...

I like this... good metaphor to use and meaningful too. Sometimes, I turn off the local news too..I get depressed ~

Alyssa Santos said...

so much said that you left unsaid -- had to read it twice. Great writing, really. Glad I came by. jesus toast and the nfl... Bless you today, Brian. Aly

Vidya Sury said...

:-) Indeed, A Jesus Toaster? So very creative. Imagine interchangeable patterns. But I like how you've expressed it, Brian!

yellowhousecafe said...

Stopped by for 55, but had to read this as I scanned blog! A wonderful bit of musing that is so spot on! I recently saw one for Boston's red sox, thought, sure! Now that I'm not dating the guy who owns everything! Not seen Jesus, wonder if there is a Mary...

Anna @ path of treasure said...

This toaster is for real?! But your poem-- love the satire in this, the Concord grape, the ear being bitten, the butter, the NFL... and the knives-- the knives leave me speechless.

Myrna R. said...

Ha. I had to laugh because when I read the title I sort of had expectations of a solemn, serious post. This one's serious but there's something rather funny to me. I guess humanity's search for Divinity takes all forms.

elizabeth said...

I don't know whether to laugh or cry! Thanks for the "news"!

sharplittlepencil said...

Hey, Catholics eat Jesus all the time, just ask my formerly Catholic husband (now a leftie Protestant pastor!).

Brian, this poem is so deliciously irreverent I could kiss you. I ran out to the kitchen and got Lex so he could see the Jesus toast. I wonder if we could use it for communion at our church? We only consider it symbolism, after all... but I guess we'd have to skip the butter and jam. LOVE IT! Your little pastor's wife, Amy
http://sharplittlepencil.wordpress.com/2011/12/15/too-close-no-comfort/

Morning said...

This one is sweet and thoughtful.
I wonder how someone such as you, could image or think the way you are now...

It seems like you have infinite energy and talent in writing posts that shed light to everyone or everywhere in the universe.

Brilliant Piece.
Masterful Delivery.

Raivenne said...

Oh this is sweetly snarky and I love it. Perfect.

Kass said...

I like it. A very personal sacrament.

I have a T-shirt I use when I dye my hair that has Jesus on it from the many medium dark brown bottle-spillings.