Friday, June 24, 2011

Drain

Dirt and glitter
Cover the floor
We're pretty and sick
We're young and we're bored (Ha)

It's time to lose your mind
And let the crazy out

Speakers mounted on the corners of the clubhouse spit Ke$ha across the mass of wet bodies cavorting in the blue tinged water of the pool. Pops and crackles periodically sing melody as the speakers strain to keep up with the volume being pushed through them. It is atmosphere, loud but barely noticed, among the squeals of children, splashes of water and voices. All the voices, talking to one another or no one in particular.

"I can not have a big ass. If I gain weight, I can not fly," she howls, from the wood bench where she sits, her body quivering, barely restrained in a purple and white bikini.

Chemical blonde with hints of auburn at the roots, she is maybe fifteen and at the end of her life. Red tinged eyes peek through her fingers, palms filling with anguish that leaks down her cheeks. Dark starscapes, her painted nails, burrow into her cheeks, on the verge of destroying the glow of her youthful beauty. Her eyes follow a boy, tan and brash in the center of the pool.

With each smile he gives away to those that gather around him, she shudders, wracked by the tremors of her world splitting, turning on herself. It is her fault. She is ugly, unworthy. She hates herself, it sits like a specter on her bare shoulders to be read by anyone willing, yet finding an illiterate or ambivalent audience, lost in their own merriment. She howls, a black hole sucking air and life into the darkness that is becoming her soul, in defiance to the sun painting everyone pink.

What hawker sold her the poisoned apple that passed her lips on its way to her heart, that now gnaws the truth of who she is? That blames her for the immature frolicking of the boy who once promised love for a pound of her flesh? Was it her dad? Was it the movies, the television, the music? Who can be blamed and strung up, drawn an quartered in the city center? It makes it go down easier when we have someone to blame, to solidly point the finger of responsibility. Was is God?

Fifty feet of grass and concrete sidewalk separate us, but I feel each flick of the knife as she cuts herself into small chunks, mentally cellophaning her pain for the shelf, re-marking the package sticker, discounting the price put on her life. She fakes a smile, which I return, as I walk by. Towel in hand, I head for the showers, where I will stand until the water runs clean through the teeth of the drain. 

50 comments:

Me said...

Much of this reminds me of me, twenty years ago...

That Janie Girl said...

Me too.

People can be so cruel.

I'm glad you saw her and are thinking about her. There is life in that alone.

Reflections said...

So many have felt her pain, cut themselves 'into small chunks, mentally cellophaning her pain for the shelf, re-marking the package sticker, discounting the price put on her life.' Rarely do we hear of the courageous soul that you are to take notice, to share in the pain, offering a glimmer of hope to others that someone maybe felt for them.

Fabulous penning, stunning observations, Brian.

upinthecosmos said...

Great write! I never went through this cause I was the goodie-goodie type but emotionally I feel much like this lately! LOL...

adeeyoyo said...

Teenage angst, so painful to realise that the world is not at all what you thought, what you hoped. I love the way you have expressed this, Brian. I could actually feel it all over again! ☺

Midnight Orgasm said...

This is the same level of feeling I get whenever I feel lonely. I don't know why. :(

OJ Gonzalez-Cazares said...

Insecurity and low self-steem is the lethal combo drilling into a young girl (or boy) mind. If we only knew back then that we had our lives to come... if there could be one magic word to make a teenager understand what really matters. You have such a powerful voice!

Claudia said...

believe me i know her all too well with the anorexia and all...beyond thankful for those telling me there is someone who loves me...really? and he still does..

Liza Ursu said...

Such intense imagery!!!
Fantastic write Brian, it really struck some chords. Thanks for sharing.

Sue said...

Be it rose or poetry, you have a big voice, Brian.

=)

Valerie said...

You have tremendous insight, Brian. Wish I could have talked to someone like you before departing on the run-away escapade.

84829942-3a88-11e0-83da-000bcdcb5194 said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
slommler said...

Oh my gosh! Teenage angst!! Gnawing at their souls. Words can kill and will continue to well up inside and kill again. I have been there and I have watched many others crawl their way through this maze of words and self-loathing! It is a treacherous road a teen must travel and to come out unscathed is a miracle!!!!!
Hugging you
And all the young men and women
SueAnn

Lorraine said...

there is more hurt than we know but there is also more good people than bad...

ayala said...

Brian, this is a great write....."into small chuncks, mentally cellophaning her pain...." brilliant .
:) have a good weekend.

Heaven said...

I feel her pain, her low self esteem, and the way she puts herself down. It's a pity young girls feel that they need to look like an actress or model they see in the mag covers. I always tell my young daughter that beauty comes from within. Nourish with love and affection from the family, I pray she will always have the confidence to love and accept herself.

Thoughtful and meaningful post - love it~

Helen Ginger said...

That was fabulous Brian. So visceral. I feel like you looked into her heart.

Luke Prater said...

so it turns out your prose is great also. Really enjoyed this one Brian, and the mix of formats leant it even more interest.

happygirl said...

You see too much. I'm her and I've always been. My husband heals my self-inflicted wounds daily. It's the burden he bears for loving me. :)

annell said...

Again an amazing write!

Ocean Girl said...

not much escaped you brian and you tell their stories.

David Allen Waters said...

I wouldnt relive the teenge yrs for anything....another great write my friend

ladyfi said...

Oh yes - such a painful reminder of youth. Very powerful indeed!

Help! Mama Remote... said...

So much to take in here. It brings me back to my teen years. I say I would never say I'd take it back because I believe it all made me who I am today. No matter how much I screwed up.thanks Brian

Eva Gallant said...

Painfully beautiful. What woman has not lived through that moment as a teenager.

TechnoBabe said...

Watching young people buying into the beautiful myth is a mess. So many of them cannot get past the self loathing which they believe is truth.

Bonnie said...

So incisive! You help us step into another's universe and understand ... a bit ... With a little understanding perhaps we can muster some compassion.

Of course, that, it seems to me, is a part and parcel of your whopping talent.

rosaria said...

I have witnessed all this and your camera eye is sharp and detailed.

Tara Miller said...

Teenage years are such a pressure filled time in a young life. I think many have a desire to want to talk to someone and ask questions to find some understanding in the chaos and doubt that fills their minds. Your post captures well how most young girls probably feel. Having a good relationship with your parents or having a mentor at this age could be life changing for some. (just as you are a blessing in the lives of the children you work with...life changing)

Pat Hatt said...

Teenage angst pulling this way and that
Really vivid images in your chat
Captured the moment quite well
In the write you tell

ds said...

crying...you saw her, truly saw her. And smiled. A gift.

Baino said...

Aww let's hope you let your imagination run wild and she was just having a bad day

Christine said...

Why did you have to make me cry? The ups and downs of youth, maybe she was just tired. I hope.

Ruthiey said...

you captured that incredible well.

Daniel said...

This painted a picture that I could not escape from. I have been thinking about a similar theme lately from a slightly different point of view. But no matter how you look at it, it hurts.

Tabor said...

Those are tough years and many do not make it out alive...mentally or physically. I think she sensed your concern.

Fred said...

Loved this piece Brian, really, really engaging writing filled with abstract yet plausible metaphor. Angst, torment, really so much in this piece. Excellent piece, really enjoyed:)

Brahm (alfred lives here) said...

Great post! Caught me by surprise that I got emotional over it, but hey thats a good thing, no?

Maxine said...

Wow. This is powerful Brian...I wanted it to be the first chapter of something that went on for pages. More, please.

Betsy said...

you made her come alive with your words and we could feel her pain, too. :(

Vodka Mom said...

wow.

I'm speechless.

kkrige said...

We can only but pray that she lets go of the golden boy flashing his smile to all that passes and instead welcomes her own smile & own worth. We all have beauty, but sometimes it is so hard to see.

The pangs of youth are hard, but don't really get any easier as we age, do they?

lori said...

This is crazy sad but so well done.

"She hates herself, it sits like a specter on her bare shoulders to be read by anyone willing, yet finding an illiterate or ambivalent audience..."

Ugh, so true of too many girls. I have had many conversations about body image with my girl already as she's come home from school with sad but true stories. Talk of fat and skinny begins so young, and no girl or woman can live up to images that aren't real to begin with.

Heather said...

this is amazing....this is just filled with so much that girls feel... sad, but true. brilliant that you captured in this piece. I love it! ( i will be re-reading this many times) :)

haikulovesongs said...

how can you write what's in a teenage girl's mind, Brian? you were never a girl and you don't have a daughter. you absolutely nailed the sad truth of so many ~ too many ~ 15-year-old girls and even younger. it's been a long time, but my heart aches with the memories...

trisha said...

poor child. we all were like her, were not we? atleast i was.

:(

The Empress said...

This made me cry.

Made me cry for her being so young but being so old.

Lolamouse said...

That feeling of being ugly and unworthy and used is captured so well in this story. It's heartbreaking. And I REALLY hate Ke$ha!

lorely said...

Powerful words for the 15 year old...I have a 15 year old...your envisioning is so sad yet so indicative of many...at the end of their life...at such a young age...how can we turn back the clock and keep their sanctity and esteem longer?!

Syd said...

Sounds like some bad choices. We all sell ourselves for something or someone.