Thursday, May 19, 2011

55 - all that remains

she was the bubble bath
i soaked in, suds tickling
nose, body caressing full
immersion ---
d
r
a
i
n
i
n
g
tension til that same sooth-
ing warmth grew cold
in careless complacence
gurgling slowly
through the small steel grate
sucking for that last bit
of life giving oxygen---

leaving only
a ring, around the tub,
and ten wrinkled toes.

Tell a story in 55 words. Give it a try or just read more, go see G-man.

This is a slightly modified version of a poem I posted elsewhere a  week or so ago for The Tenth Daughter of Memory, a bi-monthly writing/arts competition based on a theme. If you are looking for a little competition against quality writers/artists, I suggest you check it out.

107 comments:

masterymistery said...

there should be a word that means "using the shape of words and letters to convey non-verbal meaning" (eg as in draining). Whatever the word for that skill is, you've got it!

masterymistery at
cosmic rapture

She Writes said...

I loved this then and love it now!

Boom Boom Larew said...

Brian, you are truly gifted! So much said in so few lines. Love it.

Ocean Girl said...

can be so true!

Who Is Afraid Of Miss Lovett? No, Mrs.Lovett... said...

Hi! Brian...
This is my first-time reading "All That Remains" and the words that come to my mind after reading your poem is...after a bath. (Or a memory Of...)
Lovely words...especially, your use Of "draining."
Thanks, for sharing!
DeeDee ;-D

CM said...

Awesome. What else can I say? You are a magician with words.

Don't forget the stopper next time :-)

Daniel said...

Dang, if I haven't bathed in those same waters.

blueviolet said...

I could see the drain pulling and pulling in my mind.

Monkey Man said...

Interesting relationship you have with your tub, Brian. I'm playing G-man's game today, too, after last week's bizarre turn of events.

G-Man said...

Calgon...
Take me away!!!
Cleansing 55 Son.
Thanks for playing, and have a Kick Ass Week-End

tracy said...

How do you DO that???? And so often?

David Allen Waters said...

I must say I like both versions, well done man

happygirl said...

Yes sir, you are a wordsmith extraordinaire.

hedgewitch said...

Your lucky it was just your toes she left all wrinkled up, my friend and that ring she stuck you for can be removed with Tilex. I like the way the words drained away down the page.I've definitely had a few relationships like that.

Helen said...

Your 55 ~~~ alive!!

ayala said...

Brian... I love it :)

gayle said...

I'm sure I've told you this before but saying again ~ Book!!!:0

Betsy said...

now I want a bubble bath! Worked a weird auction today. I could just some stress relief. ha.

Mama Zen said...

This is so sad!

KB said...

Esxcellent 55. Have a great weekend.

Margie said...

You create magic with your words!
Loved this!
Wonderful 55!

Kathy's Klothesline said...

down the drain ......

lori said...

Oh, I could feel the seduction then sadness then emptiness. You never disappoint.

Now, I want to find the other one. I must have missed it somehow.

"She was the bubble bath I soaked in..." wow :)

C.M. Jackson said...

bubbles have never sounded so good..lovely, amazing and perfect-c

moondustwriter said...

"and away go troubles down the drain..."

nice 55 Bri

Maggie said...

Nice! I haven't read the other one though. Gonna check it. :)

Hilary said...

My toes have wrinkled just reading this. Nicely done.

Me said...

Potent imagery, Brian. Love this, both versions.

PS - Galen's comment almost made me choke on my drink! :)

Margaret said...

...this is about a relationship, not REALLY a bath. A relationship that is no longer... At least that is what I got after the 3rd read. I love poetry... :) Did you son enjoy the audition over the weekend? My son is studying Drama at UNC School of the Arts. He is "immersed" in that crazy world of acting...

Brian Miller said...

margaret...indeed it is...smiles.

TALON said...

Sometimes that's all that left - the ring around the tub. But, oh, the fun while the bubbles are swirling. Neat 55, Brian.

Captain Dumbass said...

Ouch!

Barbara Shallue said...

Where do you get these? It's great!

Tara Miller said...

Your poem starts out warm and easy and leaves us cold and empty....sad how the relationship ended and sad that this could be the story of many....

Teresa said...

I really miss having a bathtub for a nice long soak.

Cloudia said...

you are a font






Aloha from Waikiki

Comfort Spiral

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Alice Audrey said...

Ooooo, good one. Love that last line.

LeahJ.Lynn said...

The end light it up. I like it.

Henry Clemmons said...

Beautiful, Brian.

MomsJournal said...

Well at least she left the ring. LOL Awesome 55! ;-)

Susan Deborah said...

Bubble baths are good but the ten wrinkled toes spell an uneasiness.

Joy always,
Susan

Zuzana said...

I love the way you can convey the feeling of love and relationship with a bubble bath - the warmth, the colours, the joy and happiness and companionship and closeness - all that can at times turn cold and "run down the drain"...
I so know what you mean...
Have a lovely weekend dear Brian.;)
xoxo

Bernie said...

You and your words are magical, I do "get this" and love every word of it.....:-)Hugs

Don't Want A Real Job said...

Loved the placement and 15th!

Ina said...

Nice :) Really nice!

Ina said...

Nice :) Really nice!

anthonynorth said...

Another excellent metaphor.

Raven said...

Fantastic! Such a delightful metaphor.

Cinner said...

Brian you described this beautifully. magic man with the words. have a great weekend.

Mona said...

Wow! I love this! You have captured the feeling so well in the metaphor of Bubble Bath!

Just Be Real said...

Baths are my favorite stress reliever. With Epsom salts. Love this Brian. Thank you for sharing.

Ekanthapadhikan said...

I missed reading you. Nice one here.

TechnoBabe said...

Pretty clever writing, Brian.

Jill from Killeny Glen said...

Watch out for THAT woman! Yikes.

LadyCat said...

It's so sad when the warmth grows cold. And there is nothing to be done after that last bit of oxygen is sucked down the drain. This has such a helpless feeling.

Lorraine said...

lol romantic humour! MAN, YOU should write a novel

Claudia said...

yes - i remember the wrinkled toes...usually i love wrinkled toes but those are really sad ones...it's so hard when what warmed us once grows cold..agh

slommler said...

Love the ten wrinkled toes!! The art of taking a slow leisurely bath is fast becoming a lost art! Showers...quick...rushing to get ready...to leave!
Ahhhh!!! Bliss to be in a hot soapy bath!!! Time ebbing and flowing just like the bubble filled liquid that surrounds us!!
Hugging you
SueAnn

Selina Kingston said...

You're so right of course. I've known that bubbly warmth disappear into careless complacence far too often. You're brilliant !

JStar said...

I was relaxing right along with you! Your words have a way of taking us there..

Mary said...

Great metaphor, that feeling after the water is cold describes it so well. And, of course like the way you did the 'draining' thing too. cheers.

Brendan said...

"Careless complacence" wrinkles cold toes slowly, whereas it only takes a bath for Ms. Bubbles to do her perky work ... Brendan

Maggie May said...

Love it! especially sucking for the last bit of life giving oxygen when disappearing through the grate.
Maggie X

Nuts in May

Linda said...

While I prefer a hot shower, I've heard a good soak works wonders.

Valerie said...

Fabulously brilliant, Brian. I am in awe of your ability to paint pictures with words

Bossy Betty said...

Love it.

l
o
v
e

i
t.

Pat Hatt said...

Your words sure aren't draining
Yes it's still friggin raining
But whether large or small
You always hit a homerun ball
Ok usually can't build you up to much
Still need my head to be bigger than yours by just a touch..haha

James Rainsford said...

Clever and evocative.

Heather said...

oh wow, this is fabulous...so well said and this can happen to many people, in all sorts of relationships....seriously, when are you going to put a book of poems like this together! I love this one! have a great friday

Eva Gallant said...

That was wonderful! Loved it so much!

Kerry O'Connor said...

55 words to tell the whole story: beginning, middle and end.
And the tale of love is ever a sad one.

Devilzangel said...

ohh amazinnn luveddd d flow :D

Tammy said...

OH MY...love your metaphore. Wonderful imagery!

Erika said...

Thanks so much for stopping by and leaving a comment...I have loved snooping around your blog, reading your words. You have a gift. Thankful that you're sharing it.

Teri said...

I love bubble baths and I can see that you do too! "Soak" it all in, Brian!

Hope said...

nice! great opening line

Friko said...

a brilliant little piece, quite endearing as well as fun.

Sue said...

This goes down just as easily the second time around...

=)

budh.aaah said...

Both versions great. But that is expected from geniuses like you :)

trisha said...

fantastic and very expressive.

Andy said...

WoW! Very nicely done.

To get to 15 and beyond takes courage, wisdom and a lot of giving in (especially when you know you're right).

I hope you and Tara have a happy & joyous anniversary.

Some advice from "Doctor Romance" (not that you need any)...always remember to thank her, not just for everything she does, but for loving you.

laurie kolp said...

Wow- an appeasement to the senses. Now I must go take a bubble bath!

Leo said...

I could use a bath :D But at midnight, it'd mean murder by mom ;) Loved it Brian! Following your station now :D

Aquarius63 said...

My bath is my sanctuary, I have yet to find myself a man to replace it, I live in hope lol. Your words are sublime Brian.

Anita.

RNSANE said...

I hate when that water gets cold!!!!

My 55 is here:

http://rnsane.blogspot.com/2011/05/friday-flash-55-rose-of-love-may-20.html#links

Have a terrific weekend!

repressedsoul said...

Ah good stuff Brian, time for me to hit the bath before bed, shame there's no one to run me one lol :P

Mystic Margarita said...

Beautiful is an understatement. I love how you weave magic with your words.

Lulda Casadaga said...

I feel refreshed...just in time for the rapture! :D

Belinda said...

My, my. Sensual and emotional. Time to get outta that tub.

Sophia said...

Brilliant...makes the heart pound out of one's chest with all of the anticipation of the known.......AND the unknown......

Rebecca S. said...

Yeah, this is a familiar scenario. Nicely executed...like the d.r.a.i.n.i.n.g. Very visual poem!

ayala said...

Happy Anniversary Brian!!!!

libraryscene said...

fab 55, as always..."gurgling" "small steel grate" now all I can think of is the one King book I read, IT, ha! enjoy the rapture...

Shanae Branham said...

Brian,
I love this. How fun to think of myself as my lovers bubble bath. Thanks for that!
Cheers,
Shanae
My Blog

liv2write2day said...

What a wonderful metaphor! Enjoyed how your showed the word "draining." Very effective.

Helena said...

All that remains...
D
i
t
t
o
Love it Brian!
Happy Anniversary ♬♪♩ Happy Anniversary! ♬♪
Happy Anniversary! ♬♪♩ Happy ....Anniversary!♬♪♩

Rachel Hoyt said...

Love it!

Birdie said...

That's beautiful Brian! How do you do it??? What a gift, what a gift you have ... have a wonderful weekend!

alivealways said...

Loved it Brian.

Unknown Mami said...

Yes, the draining imagery was perfect. You crafted the letters into a visual treat.

PattiKen said...

You know I love this. I'm glad you shared it.

Myrna R. said...

Love this. I hope you won.

joanny said...

Well said, a GOOD TIGHT WRITE, THIS WAS SO RIGHT ON!

joanny

ladynimue said...

I wish i was living it !! truly loved reading it :)

Syd said...

Maybe this is better than being in the whirlpool forever.

Magpie said...

N
e
g
l
e
c
t
what a terrible thing. Because something once thrived and has lost its lifeblood.

haikulovesongs said...

"that same sooth-
ing warmth grew cold
in careless complacence"

this is so sad... we never expect to reach that point when we're at the beginning. we have to consciously and intentionally make sure to keep paying attention even though life gets in the way. an entire relationship in 55 words. brilliant!
dani