Tuesday, March 29, 2011

One Shot: Oh the N(yc)-decent-see



Ascend now men, Dante was wrong
Hell has 10 floors, the first four
filled with women, in lines laden
with clothing, babbling in languages
known only to far fairer than I

Once an hour, they advance into
rooms and if they ask, how something
looks, lying won't make it go faster,
bring out your dead, bring out your...

Five is cups & bowls, but no food
fear not though each floor has a
Starbucks, with no where to sit
by Six, I saw men seated, on
porcelin stumps, unplumbed, fingers
in anguish rending their cheeks

Woe to Seven, the most gruesome,
children wrestled into straight
jacket sweaters by their mothers,
Howling! Howling! Thumbs stuck in
ears I pressed, each step, penance

Eight, all the things on the honey
do lists you put off for later, you
can even mail letters to loved ones
you fear have forgotten you & what
little hair you have not pulled out

can be shaved at Nine, by traitorous
men with strop razors, the same used
carve their imasculated smiles, while
being fitted for a wig to preserve
your miniscule dignity

At the gate of Ten, losing my sanity
I ran, screaming, beyond snatching
fingers of ladies chanting "but we
are not done yet" weaker men buckling
in fetal postures, clipped my heal
sending me sprawling through the door

A lost man, his face a swarm of bees,
beard, spit through cracked teeth,
"The con-tractors are coming for you,
to drag you to hell, and burn the flesh
from your body."

Staring from my pierced palms, I
cackled thru drool & he, assured
i was struck dull repeated---

"Thank you for shopping at Macy's."

It's One Shot Wednesday and I am late for the party! (Just walked in the door, been on the road all day) Write something poetic and come join us!

111 comments:

Eva Gallant said...

That was great! I thought it was Nordstroms...same idea. LOL

Monkey Man said...

Shopping! ACK! Run away screaming indeed.

CM said...

Run! Run for your life!

Haha, nice write. Congrats again on the award!

Daniel said...

Loved this one. Kind of a Hotel California feel. You can enter, but you can never leave. (Smiles).

poemblaze said...

Fun poem. Creative take on the shopping experience AKA hell.

Titanium said...

Shopping? Oh hell. Indeed.

*snickers*

Glad you escaped to write about it!

Brian Miller said...

ha. i cant believe they have 10 floors...and a post office...and a starbucks on every floor...sick sick sick i tell you...lol. just getting in...will be around shortly my friends...

Tabor said...

This brings back some terrible memories...mostly around sale days or holidays. But we, as a society, live for consumption and I am guessing that is what makes it so hard. We all want more of whatever is out there and we want to be sure that it is just the best sale and the perfect item.

hedgewitch said...

I love this, brian, and I would be running with you I hate shopping like that, like a freakin safari into darkest Gimmeabargunnland. This reminds me of the years of childhood hell spent shopping with my mother and hellspawn sisters at Fields in Chicago years ago *before there WAS a Starbucks* (yes--and I walked a mile to school barefoot, too.)Gratz on the Shorty--and you don't hear that from a woman often, either.

Don't Want A Real Job said...

I love the way that you bring in commentary regarding the state of things, and of humanity...and at the same time speak about the mundane and the irritable. Nice write Brian. Cheers.

Dianne said...

Ha! I love the references, ...but "I'm not dead yet!"

Di

Betsy said...

10 floors...10 Starbucks!? You'd never have to leave!

congrats again....hope you stay on cloud 9 a good long time. You deserve it!

lori said...

Well, this is fantastic. Each level kept building. At first, I found it humorous. Then, it started getter darker, which I loved. The picture of emasculation you painted was brilliant, and the ending is perfect. Well done!

ayala said...

Ha! no escape :-)nicely done!

tattytiara said...

A point well argued indeed, but it still ain't hell if it ain't got the smiley faces for my money.

Diana Lee said...

What a wild and crazy picture you've painted here :) Chuckling through the whole read.

Bonnie said...

One stop shopping ... at a price.

Heather said...

I worked across the street from Macy's 20 years ago...I never went in there...too nuts... but wait, a starbucks on every floor??? you know, that's like heaven to me! LOL. glad you had a good trip - this was a great read, too -

Margaret said...

Oh come ON!! It is NOT that bad. LOL

I particularily loved... ladies chanting "but we
are not done yet" weaker men buckling
in fetal postures, clipped my heal
sending me sprawling through the door"

Thanks for the laugh.

flaubert said...

Ha ha ha! Macy's is a nightmare in the city, I know I am from NYC. Those women are animals for a bargain. Congrats on the shorty:)

Pamela

THE BEATY said...

thank you for perfectly articulating the hell that is shopping

Joanna Jenkins said...

I love the old Macy's escalators-- The clacking sound and the mountains of merchandise as you circle around to the next.
You captured it perfectly.
jj

Barbara Shallue said...

Love it! Great job!

kkrige said...

hahahahahah

Men
Such dramatics
I am sure it wasn't that bad!
Silly boy

Matty said...

I was thinking that you must be in a store in NYC. I can only imagine the chaos.

Kate Hanley said...

Congratulations on winning! How awesome. And this, by far, has to be my favorite poem of yours. Do you mind if I keep a copy (NOT TO SHARE!) but just to read again. I loved it.

Sue said...

Absolutely hilarious.

And so darned clever, too.

=)

pandamoniumcat said...

Great! Westfield shopping centres very much the same...fun read and well done!!!

Celestial Dreamz said...

Ha! sounds interesting! you are welcome in but you can't leave ..... enjoyed reading. and congrats :)

Cloudia said...

thanks for the punchline




Aloha to you
from Honolulu!


Comfort Spiral

><}}(°>


><}}(°>

Glynn said...

You've now spoken for men everywhere.

KB said...

I'm a woman who HATES shopping. Nice One Shot.

TALON said...

lol! I remember Macy's being just like that - minus the bee man (who would scare the crap outta me!).

Congrats on the win, Brian, and to all the stellar folk at One Stop. So well deserved!

willowwishfree said...

Oh, you just described my own personal view of hell, pretty much. You've got the perfect panicked pitch in here and the abrupt stop at "welcome to Macy's" was like a bubble popping. It was a unique reading experience, as always.

ladyfi said...

LOL! I hate shopping too...

Violet said...

Ha - very fun!

Congrats on the award for the site! Wonderful payback for the hard work of all who made the site what it is!

ds said...

Ha ha ha ha ha! Well done (what would they have said if you had cried out, "Help! Help! I'm being repressed!").

rosaria said...

Man, you were in Hell, for sure.

signed...bkm said...

Sounds like you did a little shopping on your trip...I am sure you have a few more writes in the experience....So what floor did you have Starbuck's on?...bkm

sparrowsong said...

I hate shopping SO MUCH! I can't imagine ten stories of it. Good God, how did you ever survive?

Bridgette said...

I agree, shopping is no fun. Yes, I said it. I hate shopping! :)

Zuzana said...

I had to laugh reading the last sentence - what an expected place Dante's Inferno truly is.;))
Still, could not agree with you more, I stay away from those place these days.;)
Have a great day dear Brian,
xoxo

adeeyoyo said...

I hate shopping at the best of times - and that sounds like an absolute nightmare!

anthonynorth said...

Oh, loved this.

robkistner said...

oh my gawd I loath shopping -- I enjoyed this piece, but hated it too... :)

ladynimue said...

For the first time I was able to correctly guess the inspiration for the poem ! Am i glad ? Yess !!!

Interesting read :)

Mrsupole said...

Glad to see that you all made it home and a good time was spent doing shopping, which is a hard thing to do. Shopping is one of my least favorite things to do.

Although I have somehow discovered that I enjoy internet shopping and when the item arrives it is like getting a birthday present, even if I bought it myself, I still get that feeling of surprise. Plus if shipping is free then that makes it even greater because you saved on gas.

Congrats again.

God bless.

Ami Mattison said...

Woot! Fantastic! A department store as Dante's Hell is utterly brilliant, Brian. This is why I avoid department stores and malls in general. The horror, my friend. The horror.

repressedsoul said...

Hey Brian, congratulations to you as well! Wouldn't be running down or up 10 floors for a Starbucks in Dante's world. Never know who you might bump into there! Great thoughtful write, but yes, I'm also running away :P

Louise said...

Hahaha..you really hate shopping! Brilliant poem...enjoyed the read, thanks!

JStar said...

LOL Love it Brian

Lorraine said...

mAKE IT THERE AND YU'LL MAKE IT EVERYWHERE LOL WHAT DID YOU BUY? DO SHARE PRO WRITER

MorningAJ said...

If it helps at all ...... not all women like department stores either.
:)

wolfsrosebud said...

Definitely... a bad dream.

Asobime said...

This is a hoot~! I think you meant heels, not heals....????

"Bring out your dead:, But I'm not dead yet". My fav line....Monty Pythonese..and lines that are aptly applied in many cases.

Great, funny, and relevant poem.

Lady Nyo

Aquarius63 said...

Nice one Brian, I hate shopping of any kind lol.

Anita.

hpicasso said...

internet shopping ROCKS...you have a way with words Brian...they really like you..

Peace, hp

and MAD PROPS to you and the crew @ OSP

Tara Miller said...

Ha Ha Ha!!! I love it! If only there would have been books on 10 to tempt you to stay :)

The Bug said...

LOL -this is how I feel about most stores :)

Little Ms Blogger said...

You're a brave man for even wanting to stay in Macy's after the first floor. The only reason I would have entered is for the floral show on the first floor.

I hate shopping and I'm a woman. I don't get it. I don't want to get it, nor do I want anything to explain it to me.

Brendan said...

"Tenth circle, ladies' lingerie ... You invert a middle-age purgatory into an urban commedia with wonderful strokes. And Paradise - the final ascent -- here is getting the heck outta Macy's.. Loved it. - Brendan

natalee said...

That was soooo good!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!lol

autumnraven said...

Wow...just wow. I tend to avoid malls other than the dying one down the road with the little play area that my daughter likes. I think I'm glad I do now :).

I love how the lines feed into each other. It gives the poem and frantic feel fitting the mood magnificently.

Valerie said...

That was brilliant, Brian. Loved it. Oh my, I remember that wooden escalator so well.

Corinna said...

I love it! Poor, poor Brian. I'm so happy you lived to tell the tale, to warn the masses.

Olivia said...

Shopping!! I love shopping for pleasure.. :D
women... sigh..

I am tumbling over your words.. hahaha

smiles xx

happygirl said...

The moment I saw the pic I longed for Macy's NYC. Nirvana, not hell. Everything is beautiful and perfect. Oh oh oh, Brian. Your words are confusing to me. Didn't you hear the angels singing?

Eric 'Bubba' Alder said...

LOL, Brian!

Surely you've spent time sitting in the 'husband chair'?

("I'm not dying... I'm feeling much better... I think I'll go for a walk."

Ocean Girl said...

And we are never done!;) 10 floors, really!? What a big place.

Enjoy home, Brian.

David Allen Waters said...

OK, I think we finally disagree...lol Shopping is therapy man. LOVE IT! :)

AmyLK said...

What a great poem! I could totally envision macy's! Glad you're home safe and sound.

ModernMom said...

Wait...I love shopping :)

Mighty M said...

Sounds like heaven to me! :)

Myrna R. said...

What an experience. I love your description of it.

Glad you're back safely and with award in hand.

tolbert said...

Staring from my pierced palms, I
cackled thru drool & he, assured
i was struck dull repeated---

"Thank you for shopping at Macy's."

good stuff here brian! i always wished my dentist would set up shop in the local mall so if i needed to shop i could get all of the pain out of the way at once!

even starbuck's can't ease the pain of macy's.

Natasha said...

And who needs a world beyond where you can return your soul to the flourescent lights of a 50% off sale on the ninth floor...My skin crawls at the thought...no matter how well the coins are adding up, I loath the entire shopping experience...and I have to do it in a single story stripmall! lol wonderful oneshot! Happy you made it home safely to present this to us...You rock, as per the norm :)

Belinda said...

Ten floors and those escalators keep on going. Reminds me of Hong Kong where shopping is as common as breathing.

Congrats on the big Shorty!

Tess Kincaid said...

I'm not a big shopper, myself. This made me tired just reading it! Kudos to you and your One Shot team on the Shorties! x

heartspell said...

Love the title and a look into Spacey Macys NYC. Congrats on the Shorty Award; hope you had a great time!

arspoetica said...

loved the comparison-- creative and apt!

Raven said...

That surely does sound like hell. I hate shopping. My Midgets love it. You do the math.

JeannetteLS said...

You can find ALL this on one floor in any SuperWalmart... I am told. I do not shop. I like catalogs. This was PERFECT. Just ridiculously perfect. Daniel put it well--You can enter, but you can never leave!

blueviolet said...

One, maybe two floors would have been enough for me!

Captain Dumbass said...

"Bring out your dead." I think this may be my favourite so far.

Mama Zen said...

"what little hair you have not pulled out."

That line had me rolling, Brian!

Men are weak.

drybottomgirl said...

Too funny! And you are not far from the truth. In David Sedaris's "Holiday on Ice" he recounts his job as an elf in the Winter Wonderland of Macy's. It always makes me laugh....

Rhymetime(aka Pat) said...

Sounds like you were stuck in a whole new kind of hell
For which you stayed a spell
I like to be in and out
Don't continually run about
10 floors would kill anyones feet
No wonder you were left beat
Just think if you were in the christmas rush
You'd be nothing but mush
So thank God for that
See it could always be worse as stated by the cat

Subby said...

Sounds like shoppin' in Gimbel's in Milwaukee! HA!

Nevermind...

After what happened in our area, I'll stay 'way from escalators for a while :(

Claudia said...

ha - ha - so nice - shopping can ruin your sanity...there should be a warning sign at the entrance of every shopping center with more than one floor...but on the other hand, this poem was worth the shopping madness...smiles

Claudia said...

ha - ha - so nice - shopping can ruin your sanity...there should be a warning sign at the entrance of every shopping center with more than one floor...but on the other hand, this poem was worth the shopping madness...smiles

Pheromone Girl said...

Macys makes me feel like that, even in my small town. Get out while you can!

versebender said...

Brian this is sheer genius!! You capture it perfectly..."abandon hope all ye who enter here!" One of the funniest things I've read in a while. Vb

Joanne said...

Ah, Brian, you seem to have struck a resonant chord throughout poem humanity, at least. So, we've been conned into this mall thing, do it when we have to and hate it. Amazing. What a great metaphor for this one, though. Dante would get it. Thanks so much for the macabre and humorous validation of the evil of shopping. ;)

Bradley Howington said...

Great poem, Brian! Captivating. I loved it. :)

liv2write2day said...

Amazing metaphor, Brian. I suspected Macy's pretty early on!

secret agent woman said...

Oh, I feel the same way in huge department stores!

Steve E said...

Cannot WAIT to get to NY and especially MACY'S, any floor wil do. You say 'Starbucks' on every floor? Hmmmmmmmm!

Caty said...

sounds like my kind of place ;). Glad you had fun in NY and congratulations!

Goofball said...

ah come on, you're a modern man, surely you must like department stores ;)...if only to observe this little world on its own

it does give nice poetry inspiration I notice !

tracy said...

That was a gem, Brian. Congratulations and welcome home.

James Rainsford said...

I feel almost redundant posting a comment here, when you possess such an army of perceptive followers.
This is an intelligent and yet very challenging poem. Not sure I completely understand it, but am certain it's powerful and significant. Will continue to read it to discover all its many nuances.
Thanks for sharing this.
Kind regards, James.

Who Is Afraid of Alfred Hitchcock? said...

Hi! Brian...
This was great!
Funny and well-written...with what appears as if your "tongue was firmly planted in your cheek!"
Thanks, for sharing!
DeeDee ;-D

gayle said...

Wonderful and sounds like so much fun.........to me at least!! :)

Chris G. said...

*grins* Nice to see even when you were on duty with celebrations and awards on mind, the creativity was still a-flowing man. Also: shopping. The horror. The terrible, terrible horror.

Marla said...

Oh, you boys are all alike. Macy's is AWESOME!!

LOL

Luke Prater said...

Another hit for the hit-man. Not quite your usual succinctness though perhaps? Felt you may have been able to pack this into maybe 80% of the space. No biggie... definitely another strong piece. Don't think I've actually read a bad poem on this blog, not ever

Rebecca S. said...

Honey do list...good one. And this description is why I don't cross the border on Black Friday. Ever.

trisha said...

very interesting poem brian.

Sulthana said...

Hahahah!!! You really painted hell out of shopping there. Great read :)

Syd said...

I can only take so much of that.

Bethany Ann said...

"what little hair you have not pulled out... can be shaved at Nine" HA! perfect!