Friday, November 5, 2010

Magpie Tales: There goes the Neighborhood

The smooth skin of her thighs dimple beneath his clutching fingertips, her eyes wide threatening to swallow him. By the creaks of the bed, it could collapse beneath them at any point, but he does not care. Her pouty red lips crack as he shudders in anticipation of her silk voice telling him how much of a man he is. They stretch wide grotesquely, her tongue standing erect...cockadoodledoo! cockadoodledoo! cockadoodledoo!

Damp with sweat, George jolts upright in bed, heart thundering, as he gasps for breath. Shadows cling to corners, faint moonlight spills through the windows on opposing walls. His wife, wearing her paisley cotton sleep dress lays wrapped warmly in the covers, lightly snoring. Red numbers pierce the night from her bedside, 2:33 AM.

Cockadoodledoo!, the cock's scream bursts through the window into his ear like an ice pick.

"I am going to kill that damn rooster!" he throws back the sheet, rising.

"Hmmummph," his wife mutters.

"Just...go back to sleep," he hisses at her, as he storms out of the bedroom.

Grabbing his work boots, George shoves his feet into them, not bothering to tie the laces. He is in boxers and a soiled t-shirt, but this early in morning no one will see him, especially not the neighbor. That stupid neighbor.

Tromping across the living room, he twists the key in the lock, opening the door to his gun rack. Cockadoodledoo!

He and Marge had lived here for years, moving in after they were married thirty-two years ago. Kenneth and Lydia Smith had moved in next door within a month. They were quiet, choosing to keep to themselves. No kids. No pets. Peaceful, quiet neighbors.

Feeding three shells into the shotgun, he ratchets one into place. Cockadoodledoo!

Two months ago, Kenneth saw George leaving for work one morning and walked over. He and Lydia were moving to Florida to retire in style. How Kenneth could ever afford the move, George would never know, still owing on their house after all the refinancing to pay for Marge's every need. Kenneth was younger than him too.

Huffing, he wrenches open the door, passes through, letting the aluminum storm door bang against the frame. Cockadoodledoo!

He still can't believe the hillbillies that Kenneth sold their house to. When they started pulling crates of chickens off the truck the day they moved in, George knew it was going to be trouble. The rooster started that night, with the loudest damn racket he ever heard. He had not slept well since. He was so tired he was screwing up at work, and got written up several times the last couple weeks. Marge was ticked at him for always being so pissy. It was all that damn rooster's fault. It was time for it to stop.

Stalking across the lawn, he pauses at the edge of the thin woods separating his house from the neighbors, letting his eyes adjust. His breath puffs in wispy clouds. The chicken coops form a hulking shadow at the rear of their property, barely visible through the tall bare trucks. The rooster will be there. Pine needles crunch beneath his shoes as he moves closer.

A clucking babble emits from the coops, the hens about their morning business or trying to get settled, George doesn't know other than they mask his approach. Gripping the shotgun at the ready, he peers around the yard, looking for the rooster. So loud moments ago, it had grown silent.

Starting to realise how cold it is, George shivers, any warmth left over from the bed long gone, his legs prickling with goose flesh. Leaning the shotgun against his shoulder, he rubs is free hand against his face giving momentary heat from the friction. Cockadoodledoo!

George spins, letting the barrel slap back into his palm, casting his eyes across the area until they settle on the rooster, standing tall, chest thrust forward on an old post. Head cocked sideways, one eye roams George as he creeps closer. Raising the shotgun he levels it at the offensive beast, finger tensing on the trigger, when it throws its wings out to full extension ruffling its feathers and leaps into the air directly at George's face.

BOOM! the shotgun bucks in George's hands, feathers flying, obscuring his vision as he stumbles backward. The roosters talons sink into his fleshy cheeks, wings beating the sides of his head. Dropping the gun, he paws at the agitated fowl, trying to peal it from his face. His nose erupts in fire as the rooster clamps its beak on one of his nostril.

He howls as they spin in an awkward dance in the grass, wrestling for dominance. Bellowing obscenities, his fingers dig into the feathery body when suddenly the bird releases his face as George trips over a discarded feed bucket. Flailing his arms he fights for balance, but gravity exerts its might, spilling him backward. His head makes a sharp pop as it slams into wood post of the chicken coop.

Cold wet grass meets George' face as he crashes to the ground. Vision swimming, clouds obscure the edges, as the porch lights come on at his neighbors house. George watches the rooster, one wing extended down, waltzing in a half circle, hens clucking in glee from the coop above. Stopping a few inches from his face, it thrusts out its chest and spreads wide its beak.

Cockadoodledoo!

"Fugben stoobis ash roopter," he mumbles, losing consciousness.

This is a Magpie Tale.


102 comments:

Baino said...

Hahaha . .dumb hillbilly, all you have to do is build a roost low enough that the rooster can't extend it's neck. I probably missed the point but thought this was pretty funny.

Titanium said...

Held my breath, reading this one, then exhaled in a huge guffaw of laughter at George's final mutterings. Guess the rooster had the last word after all.

Paul C said...

Who's fugben who? Most enjoyable!

Betsy said...

LOL~ oh, this was great...you crack me up! :)

lakeviewer said...

I'm right there! That CRUMMY rooster would send anyone looking for a rifle.

e said...

I am laughing so much I can barely hit the keys...Great, Brian!

Steven Anthony said...

Youn had me from the first line...wow.

Katherine said...

Oh my goodness this was hysterical! I feel for the man.. one moment he's having a erotic, steamy dream & then cockadoodledoo!!!! he wokes to a nightmare!! You're such a clown Brian. I absolutley love your Magpie!!

Jeanne said...

This is terrific, Brian!

Mama Zen said...

Rooster 1, George 0!

Pauline said...

Here the roosters crow at 4:30 a.m. all summer long. Winters, though, they sleep in. That hillbilly just had the wrong kind of rooster, is all ;)

otin said...

The cock will get you in trouble time and time again!

Stacy Uncorked said...

Riveting, Brian! stoobis ash roopter for sure... ;)

Someone Is Special said...

wonderful my friend.. I enjoyed it thoroughly.. Do stop by my Three Knots and let me know about the story..

--Someone Is Special--

OJ Gonzalez-Cazares said...

lol! what a fun story yet I couldn't help the twist in my stomach while reading the rooster's attack! I totally felt it! ...what goes around comes around, uh??
nice cursing btw ;)

Cinner said...

Ha, hilarious, you obviously have lived by one of these roosters. loved it Brian, smiles.

Cindybrown said...

This cracked me up!! Probably because I have chickens, lots of them!! Fun suspenseful magpie!

Cindybrown said...

This cracked me up!! Probably because I have chickens, lots of them!! Fun suspenseful magpie!

VE said...

This is why I never bother with roosters!

Oh, and I've moved on from Fantastical Nonsense. It was fun while it lasted. I can now be found at
http://moontunnel.blogspot.com

AngelMay said...

I think I'm always on the side of the animals. :)

Julie said...

Good fun, Brian. I like the first paragraph, too.

Sue J said...

We lived for a while near people whose rooster used to go off at 2 am when there was a full moon. Not long on brains, bird. Nice Magpie

Harnett-Hargrove said...

Great 'Tale'. Roosters will be. -J

kkrige said...

cock a doodle DOOO!!!!
ha. like it.
good take on the prompt Brian

KB said...

This one made me giggle.Nice job.

gayle said...

Love it!! I would be right there with George!!

ninotaziz said...

The mood I am in right now, it's amazing I managed a slow smile (which stayed awhile) after your magpie dish!

Eva Gallant said...

Another good one!

Hilary said...

Too funny - poor George.. and rooster!

Magpie said...

OMG! I can just see George and the rooster doing their dance! Too funny. Good way to start the weekend, Brian.

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

Hilarious and to think the rooster won that round.

adeeyoyo said...

Bwahahaha, serves George right - I think that cock was just waiting for him! LOL @ Otin's comment.

Teri said...

This rooster looks so scary with that one eye wide open and staring at us all. I don't blame George: I would probably do the exact same thing. There are some things that are just irritating. And, that early in the morning, everything should be asleep!

penelopephoebe said...

That was hilarious, although I fretted about the outcome right up to the end. Good bit of writing:>)

Zuzana said...

It is always so impressive to me that your mind can conjure such a endlessly suspenseful story from one single picture.;)
I love the fact that the rooster was the hero in your tale.;)
Have a great Saturday dear Brian,
xoxo

Just Be Real said...

Now I know why they call them "stitches." Hee hee...... great post Brian.

Valerie said...

Trepidation and laughter, I never knew the two could go so easily together. Well done, Brian.

Becky said...

lol, you are to funny Brian.Good one!

Sandi McBride said...

You are too funny! I say this as Dudley our veryownrooster of neighborhood renown, crows gleefully at everyone to gtfu ! And the sun isn't even out yet. But then we live in the country, way in the country. Be honest tho, George was only upset because his dream was dashed lol....Dudley sends his regards
Sandi

Lorraine said...

well know he knows better...'sides there is nothing wrong with a paisley nightgown, what a grouch

super writing Brian, have a great weekend

Beedeebabee said...

What a fun story, Brian. I was rooting for the rooster! ;) Paulette

TechnoBabe said...

George needs an attitude adjustment along with the nose adjustment he will need now. Cool rooster. The king of the coop.

Lyn said...

As funny as it gets! That's what happens when you have one too many cockadoodledoo's in your life!

Anonymous said...

poor guy. that silly rooster was not only silly but mean and menacing too.

trisha
mydomainpvt.wordpress.com

Claudia said...

OMG - i was wondering where this would go...nice write with lots of details..very visual...and i knew it...roosters are dangerous creatures...

Caty said...

lol...poor George, he just wanted to sleep :)

Daniel said...

Love the development and flow of this piece. Very interesting. Thanks for posting.

Nessa said...

Fun. I like the change from the tension in the beginning to the humor at the end.

Rene/ Not The Rockefellers said...

that was hilarious,Brian...I was expecting something sinister!

Brian Miller said...

yeah this one was just about having a little fun...working all day today so will catch up with everyone this evening....

Joan Tucker said...

fun fun fun

kathew said...

oh hahahah so funny...never try to out smart a rooster!

sage said...

This story takes on new meaning after having spent last week in a rural "retreat" in Costa Rica where the owner had more roosters than hens (he said to keep the snakes away, but that doesn't explain why most of the roosters were caged!) There's been many times down there (especially the time in Honduras where every morning there was a rooster outside my window) when I wanted to kill a bird...

TALON said...

Cocky roosters! Ouch! I can only imagine what it would feel like to have a rooster attack your head!

Deborah said...

Brilliantly written :o) just great to read!

Tina said...

Oh, felt his pain! Poor George! Nice tale.

Helen said...

OMG ... you can sure spin a yarn! Loved it!

Myrna R. said...

Poor George, such a victim but he's funny. Silly me. I feel badly for the rooster. He's just being a rooster, what else can he do?

Great writing, great magpie.

Friko said...

Well, anyone would try and kill a crowing rooster at 2.30 in the morning.

I hope George had another go and won.

ladyfi said...

Scary and well-written!

Velvet Over Steel said...

Oh my... so not where I thought this was going in the 'first' paragraph!! (shame on me! lol)
Too funny!! :-)

Unknown Mami said...

I once knew a rooster I wanted to assassinate, but only in the mornings.

Rabbit said...

Brilliant. Those stoobis ash roopters really chap my cheeks!

Jannie Funster said...

Dang roosters. Here it's dogs left out at night interrupting the marital bliss.

You are so funny!

xo

tony said...

At Least He Wasnt Left With egg-on-his - face......

Mary said...

ROFL!!!

Goofball said...

aaah those roosters

william said...

lol loved this mate :)

Vicki Lane said...

Made me think of 'Richland Woman' one of my favorite songs --

"Red rooster says
'Cockledoodle doo.'
Richland woman says,
'Any dude'll do...'"

drybottomgirl said...

Really liked this one! You built up the anticipation. I found myself reading faster and faster! Guess George should never underestimate the power of a rooster :)

Tracy said...

Oh, boy, I just knew the rooster was gonna get the best of George. Nice one, Brian!

secret agent woman said...

A little fowl karma!

Travel & Dive Girl said...

LOL! This is great. I grew up on a farm and many mornings were ruined thanks to the rooster. Now, I have to contend with blue jays. grrr

Bossy Betty said...

Oh those roosters can be LOUD!!!

Bee's Blog said...

I so badly wanted to know what was going to happen that I couldn't get to the end quickly enough - I was so sure it would end in tears. It did - tears of laughter. Great!

Flea said...

Poor George, to get interupted from such a sexy dream.....Darn rosster.

Hope said...

LOL! Awesome! Loved it!

Reflections said...

LOL, LOL... never underestimate the cunning of those darn roosters!

Very well written, pulling us further and further into the scene. I could feel the pinch of his beak.

christine said...

Amazing story kept me waiting to read what happens....but oh how that beak must have hurt.. Very fuuny.

Lydia said...

Oh, that final line! How did you come up with that?! ....This magpie held me spellbound and smiling from beginning to finish.

Brigid said...

Great Magpie, Cockadoodledoo! is right. Fun read with a bit of masucline power struggle going on underneath.

Fireblossom said...

There were a lot of wonderful magpies this week, but this is far and away my favorite. Too funny.

Strummed Words said...

Guess that rooster is ready for the pot!

Lena said...

lol...Brian, this is an amazing story (and one that backs up my theory that they're all evil...!!!).

That last dialogue line.....fabulous!

Angie Muresan said...

He he. This was so fun to read, Brian! Loved it.

willow said...

Heehee! Roosters can hold their own, alright.

Pat said...

Another case of a rooster going off half-cocked!

Great story!

Who Is Afraid of Alfred Hitchcock? said...

Hi! Brian...
I truly anticipated reading this post...Especially, after reading your readers, giggles, and laughter.

Ha! Ha!
Thanks, for sharing your Magpie Tales: There Goes The Neighborhood...about a Rooster, a man, his rifle and his neighbor(s).
DeeDee ;-D

ethelmaepotter! said...

Waaaay too much testosterone flying about in that yard.

I'm wondering what poor George's wife had to say the next morning when she asked her husband what could have possibly upset him so that he was ready to shoot a rooster in the middle of the night?

Abhilasha-The Desire said...

Hilarious... u never mess with a nasty rooster...lol

rel said...

Brian.
Beaten by a rooster, a second too late on the trigger...fuggin' ay man.
Well told Brian. I hope it was fiction cause I was chuckling; I raised chickens for 10 years.
rel

Carrie Burtt said...

I love your sense of humor Brian...this is awesome!
:-)

Mmm said...

Yes, the rooster keeps waltzing-- he showed him.

Well, i've not had to conted with such but noisy neighbours for certain for most of my life in fact. A rooster sounds better in fact. lol

The Hausfrau said...

Ouch! This is so, so good.

Everyday Goddess said...

roosters have a mean streak, oh yeah!

Syd said...

I'm just glad that he didn't shoot the rooster. What a tale.

Shari Sunday said...

Hilarious has already been used but I can't think of a better word for it. Great magpie!

Suz said...

Boy this was fun to read
and such good construction

Marla said...

Exactly! Hence, the Hansen chicken coop is now a rooster free zone.

JeffScape said...

Attack of the cock?

Hah!

This is good. Solid from top-down, start-to-finish.

One spelling error: "peel" instead of "peal."

She Writes said...

Haha! So, you obviously know a bit about roosters :). I've had a rooster fly at my chest and a neighbor who used to scream cockadoodledoo out his window every morning! This post made me laugh.

PattiKen said...

Really good job building the tension, and then releasing it with a laugh. Love it.