Monday, September 6, 2010

cold mornings

there are mornings, when i wake, before the light crests the mountains to chase the shadows back into hiding, behind trees and such, behind us, that i am afraid to roll over and look for you in bed next to me.

somewhere in the night we separated and a chill crawled onto my back where your body once threatened to consume me in it s fire. shivering, i reach for memories to wrap round me like a woolly blanket, kindling to coax the fire back from the ashes.

nervous tears spilling the day you left the pregnancy test on the sink to let me know we were having a child...clinging to each other, whispering prayers in each others ears, when the bee stung you, waiting to see if we would have to give you the shot and rush to the hospital...sitting outside a cafe, sipping coffee, sun catching in your hair, like spun gold...i tear these pages out and ball them up in loose orbs, pushing them against dead coals, hoping for a spark.

the worse part are the dreams yet fulfilled, promises still unkept, sometimes these images are even more vivid, as we painted them together. watching our sons grow into men, seeing there first blush of love, standing on the banks of the seine as the stars twinkle on its surface in your arms. these are the breath i blow, sifting for one tiny bit of orange heat.

has all of this been a dream, from which i am now just awakening, never to happen? a joke that i am only now deciphering the punch line? this is when i hold my breathe and roll over, to find you sleeping peacefully and i am reassured that this is my reality. i pull near to you and in your warmth, slip back to sleep, resting once more, before i wake to my dreams.

95 comments:

Tom said...

wow. to wake up and discover you were just having an epic dream. Sounds like an Arnold Shwarzennegger movie.

Jinksy said...

The fine line between awake and asleep often blurs the line between dream and reality...

Bonnie said...

I like that Brian - awaken to your dream.

Kathy's Klothesline said...

Scary to love that much, isn't it? Even scarier not to.........

Brian Miller said...

precisely kathy...you said it so well...and how much we would miss if we did not...

Daniel said...

I still roll over in bed expecting to find ..., but alas it was just a cruel dream.

adeeyoyo said...

This is absolutely beautiful, Brian. To love so much, there is so much to lose... but we can't fear to love because that is what makes our lives worth living! Wonderfully sensitive post.

Slamdunk said...

Thanks for the good read Brian.

On a related note, I have realized that I have stopped dreaming as of late--I need to get more sleep.

Carolina Linthead said...

This is so intensely romantic, painting such vivid images of love and promises, of living the dream, and yet reminding us that we are never immune to the nightmare. Such a wonderfully human piece, Brian...thank you!

Pauline said...

you dread to wake, fearing it's all a dream and you wake joyfully to dream on - that's heartening.

the walking man said...

Sleep, the dreamscapes and missing body heat that wakes you are worth the effort of turning over.

Vicki Lane said...

Reminds me of the haiku about a man dreaming he was a butterfly then awakening to winder if her was a butterfly dreaming that he was a man.

Eleonora said...

Your life, family and love are indeed dreamy!

Thank you
E xx

BLOGitse said...

Dreaming is healthy - day and night...

Nessa said...

This was a very lyrical expression of our nighttime fears and our relief on finding them false in the morning light.

Lori said...

Risking to love like this makes one vulnerable to a wide world of pain. Some will never know love like this because they are too afraid to take the risk. What they don't know is that on the other side of that risk is gaining so very much that makes taking the risk worthwhile. I am so very thankful that you have a love like this! Happy Monday to you and yours! :)

Mama Zen said...

"i tear these pages out and ball them up in loose orbs, pushing them against dead coals, hoping for a spark."

That is amazing writing.

Eva Gallant said...

You do have such a way with words. A beautiful, beautiful talent.

Prayer Girl said...

Oh how I pray for those who have known this kind of intimacy, love that health or some quirk of fate does not rob them of it. That is a pain too horrible to express, but you did a good job of doing just that. Nightmare not reality, thank God.

PG

annell said...

So beautiful, so tender, and so heartfelt. (Now don't tell me it isn't so!)

Steven Anthony said...

what a lovely "dream" to awake to ;)

mama-face said...

these types of dreams-when you lose what is most precious to you-are frightening. i think it is so interesting how they much impact they can have on a mind and soul.

this is one of my faves brian.

Alan Burnett said...

gloriously poignant Brian.

Helen said...

Last night I had an amazing, yet troubling dream about a past love. This morning I opened my computer and read your beautifully written poem .... need I say more?

DJan said...

Last night I dreamed of a friend who died in an accident recently. He forgave me for not coming to his memorial, and I saw as he hugged me that his neck was broken. Whispering in my ear, he told me some important things but I've forgotten them upon waking.

Dreams are wonderful and strange, and sometimes, as you paint in this beautiful post, reality and dreams merge...

Lorraine said...

dreams keep you reaching...and that's good Brian :)

Teri said...

I want some of my dreams to come true too...the ones like you have of standing on the Seine. We wait and wait to nurture our dreams into reality and sometimes we just wait so long that they evaporate into the ethers before we have time to see them with our own eyes. Dream on. Come on...wake up!

Fireblossom said...

You're such a worry wort, Brian! (but one who writes beautifully)

AmyLK said...

such a testament to how much you love your wife and the life you have created together. To wake to your dream. Love it!

G-Man said...

Some people never have the beauty of awakening from their Nightmare!
Great piece of writing Son...
You are a very lucky Man!

Little Ms Blogger said...

Those are the dreams that take my breath away.

The line is blurred between the dream and reality and I always breathe a sign of relief when I realize it is only a dream.

Cheryl said...

Kathy said it best. Why try to say something unique when it's already there.

Valerie said...

I recommend a warmer duvet...grins. Excellent piece of writing, Brian.

Marla said...

Love this Brian. My favorite place is in our bed rolled into one another. Usually that embrace ends up including several dogs, numerous grandchildren and even a few grown offspring. Such is the family bed.

lakeviewer said...

Ah, how fears creep in and take hold of us, changing our reality.

Tracy said...

Nice. Just...nice.

Magpie said...

There's a feeling when the dreams are so real that lingers into your waking hours. Throughout the day pieces of the dream come back to you and for a second or two you can't remember was it a dream or did it happen? Those are the times I'm sure I've been off having an out-of-body experience.

Myrna R. said...

I'm so glad I stopped by your page. Now I know I will be a faithful reader. Your writing is beautiful. You are so talented.

This last post actually reminded me of my husband. He is addicted to our unity and can hardly tolerate not finding me next to him. Sometimes he touches me and wakes me up, which actually angers me at the moment. From now on, I'll appreciate this. --- Married 42 years!

Thank you for sharing your gift.

TALON said...

Those types of dreams are so real and slide into the sort of nightmare that leaves you utterly relieved upon wakening and leave you unspeakably grateful. Beautiful write, Brian.

Claudia said...

such a lot of love is ringing in your words - the memories - the fear of loss - and the strong bonds that hold you together can be felt throughout the whole poem - so beautiful!

Kulio said...

oh, so nice -- hey you are livin' the dream, huh?

love the balled orbs, spark, etc -- best lines!

signed...bkm said...

lovely and beautiful essay on love, life and dreaming your way through a crazy world.....blessings...and continue living your dream....bkm

sage said...

Beautiful, lovely words. Can I borrow them? :) Seriously, you paint a romanatic picture of a well-lived live. Thanks for sharing them.

Sam Liu said...

So true, Brian. Complete, consuming love is the surrender of oneself to another, and so they become the object our dreams and the substance of our reality, and the two merge and blur. A beautiful and vivid piece of writing, poetic prose at its best.

Tina said...

"Wake to our dreams" beautiful line. Beautiful piece. What a valentine to your wife.

LadyFi said...

You're living your dream. You're one lucky guy!

Hilary said...

Beautiful, Brian. I swear you have to be one of the most.. probably THE most romatic writers in the blogosphere. :)

secret agent woman said...

I still am not always clear on which sate is more real.

secret agent woman said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Emmanuel Ibok said...

You are a beautiful story teller. Nice one.

Luisa Doraz said...

Dreams should always be embraced. Hope you have a fun week writing your wonderful words. Hope all is well with your family.

Dulce said...

Just beautiful... I love taht warm ending... Come dream or reality... who cares.

Jill said...

Your reality is pure blessing.

Syd said...

Beautiful. Every word of it.

moondustwriter said...

Glad you have your dearest T to live the dreams with and wake up from nightmares with.

You guys have a great week.


Moonie hugs

william said...

brrrrrrrrrrrilliant story brian, I wish all of you a very happy long life :)

Cindy said...

So very nice Brian. I love reading your stories. You know how to reach the heart!

TechnoBabe said...

to want the closeness even sleep....

Tony Single said...

Funnily enough, I get this nearly every night as I go to bed after my wife. I always check to see if she's still breathing, and am quite relieved that she is. Lovely story, Brian, for I can relate.

blueviolet said...

Sometimes our dreams are there to remind us about what's real.

McGillicutty said...

how beautiful, like pure love!!

Everyday Goddess said...

you always amaze me. excellent writing!

Green-Eyed Momster said...

She is a very lucky lady to have you love her so deeply.

Hoping all your dreams are sweet ones.

Hope you and yours had a wonderful weekend.

:)

C.M. Jackson said...

Brian-
your words speak volumes to the great love you share with your wife --you are lucky man and your wife a lucky woman! blessings=c

only a movie said...

I often wonder which is the dream and which is the reality.

Pat said...

You are such a romantic! Your wife is one lucky woman!

emily wierenga said...

sifting for one tiny bit of orange breath...

vivid and beautiful, the way you live your dream.

gayle said...

Beautiful Brian!!! I love this!! I am sure your wife had a big smile on her face after reading this!!

Jen said...

I recently had a dream and was very disappointed to wake up and find out it wasn't real. I'm glad this ended on a much happier note.

Mighty M said...

Our dreams can befuddle us so, especially daytime ones (nap), which I tend to remember a little more vividly.

Pseudo said...

Dreams and fears and dreams again. Nicely done.

she said...

so romantic! My favorite line is "before i wake to my dreams." Perfect! What a blessing to be able to wake up to your dreams.

Lorenzo said...

Ah, Brian, those delicious 'hypnopompic' moments between sleep and awakening. I find them to be some of my most creative and stimulating. Like Bonnie, I too like the notion of awakening to your dreams, of dreaming yourself back into existence.

Zuzana said...

Beautifully poetic, describing with such a vivid imagery that delicate state between dream and reality, my favorite state of them all - all depending on the dream of course...
Always a joy to visit here dear Brian,
xo

Candie Bracci said...

Love is the key to all locks.You kids,tour wife,your friends..they are the blessing.

Goofball said...

sleep well

Just Be Real said...

Zzzzzz wow Brian. Good one Blessings.

Harnett-Hargrove said...

Strange how memories and future plans both seem like dream-time.-J

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

Absolutely beautiful, Brian! :)

Selina Kingston said...

Your wife is so lucky.
I sometimes wake up to find my husband looking at me and when he has said that he's so glad I'm his wife, it makes me feel like the most special woman in the world...

Gaston Studio said...

Does your wife know she's married to a genius? Great one Brian.

Raven said...

This is wonderful, Brian. I especially love the last couple lines. Fantastic!

Jen Chandler said...

Ah, to wake to your dreams. That says a lot. Beautiful, as always.

Jen

natalee said...

Wow... That was some amazing dream..Romantic actually..I hope you let your wife read this...

. but I shivered when you talk about boys growing to be men.... DONT SPEAK OF SUCH THINGS...lol

Dot-Com said...

That moment of "almost awake" can be scary. The inability to really remember or know, because you're not fully awake.

drybottomgirl said...

Beatiful! It reminds me of an old favorite
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of being and ideal grace.
I love thee to the level of every day's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for right.
I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

Glad you can love this deeply and have someone to love with :)

Mona said...

Hey Brian! You are expecting again!!

( Shaking my head)

Lulda Casadaga said...

This is beautiful... There is nothing like the warmth of your loved one next to you in bed! Sweet dreams...:)

Captain Dumbass said...

I love how your writing can touch so many aspects of my own life. Makes the work that much better.

deb said...

oh, there is always such depth to your writing.
such a need for a reread.

and as someone who has very real dreams, and a dreamy real.... wonderful

Ed Pilolla said...

what a great closing line. big history woven into this quiet moment.

The Retired One said...

What a love poem that was Brian! As we grow older, my fear is the opposite...the running out of time...the rolling over and finding the love of my life no longer on this plane of existence. Luckily we are both still in relatively good health and have 38 years of marriage together snuggling in each other's arms at break of dawn...we are praying and hoping to at least make 50 together. I treasure every moment yet fear these same thoughts as each day goes by.

PattiKen said...

I liked this a lot. And I could totally relate. I have had exactly the same feeling sometimes. I'll turn, or walk through the door, or even just blink, and it will all have been a dream.

Mmm said...

Oh gosh, SOOOO well written Biran. this wells up tears in me as sadly, my reality is the opposite. Dreams but then reality crashes in at so ,much unwanted loss.

Birdie said...

Brian, I love this one so much! we should not be afraid to love, to love fully ... we just need to be careful not to "choke" the ones we love with so much love ... wow how many times did I just type 'love'... :-) happy day Brain!