it is safe to say, you probably would not have noticed me, huddled there beneath the stain glassed window, the words "i saw the light" trickling through to drip down the windowsill upon my head. the white washed boards bit into my back, hands crucified by the nails of their rejection.
i did not belong there. i was not the type, is what they told me.
so i sat in the shadows, mocked by their light, that would so easy leave me in foreboding dark. but the shadows, they embraced me fully in consoling arms.
rejection was nothing new, just weeks before she had slid the knife between my ribs finding the tender flesh of my heart with its prick. if only the silver blade had not been my good friend that she had just roused from between her sheets, i might have found hope once more.
all i had to trust, were these two hands. no, you would not have noticed me. only the shadows.
the shadows whispered sultrily of things that could be mine, if only i allowed them, things that would take away the pain. they promised much, so i signed the contract in crimson.
for a time the shadows renewed my strength with confidence beyond which i had never known, though some might have called me mad if they had noticed. none could resist the wiles they taught me. names were not important, that would be too intimate and intimacy was limited to what they could do for me. to let anyone get closer would have compromised the shadows that concealed me.
spirits dulled the pain, unless of course a stronger medication was required, of which i was a ready participant to stop the bleeding within. you may have noticed then, but it was not me, only a means to an end, of me.
for a time, the world was mine, until the illusion shattered within my grip, its sharp edges driving deep into the hands i trusted. then even the shadows abandoned me, writhing on the carpeted floor of my room. breath would not fill my lungs enough even to call for help and that is where they found me.
it was snowing the night i left the hospital, and i could hear the darkness howl as the pure white curtain was drawn across the landscape. streetlights formed halos and i started to whistle as i ambled toward the light, one step at a time.
the shadows still visit me on occassion, but i have only to light a candle to see through them.
"whenever you see darkness, there is an extraordinary opportunity for the light to burn brighter." ~Bono
This is a Theme Thursday post.