Across the desk, he sits, fingers steepled in contemplation as I squirm under the weight of this decision.
"Is it supposed to feel this way? Excited and scared mushed all together?", I wear my doubt on my sleeve, though I am sure of this step.
"Yeah, I think you got it right.", his smile is a balm to my twisted stomach.
"Alright, when do we get started."
This was my leap of faith.
Life had been relatively easy the last several years. Rising out of the abject poverty of our first couple years of marriage, I found success in the corporate world. In seven years, I moved though the ranks, quadrupling my income, creating a comfortably padded life. Then came the call, awakening in me the desire to give my life to something more.
Some would say it was crazy with a wife and two kids to take a $70,000 pay cut, just to pursue this pull on my life. The prodigal son, that had left the church at sixteen, returning to work in the church. Yes, there was irony, but we took the leap and for five years we never lacked, soaring on wings like eagles.
Across the coffee shop table, he sits, fingers wrapped comfortably around his mug, as I writhe in angst, at the circumstances.
"Is it supposed to feel this way? Empty and desolate mushed all together?", i wear my doubt on my sleeve, unsure of the next step.
"No, I don't think it is.", his knowing smile is a balm to my twisted stomach.
"I don't know what to do."
This was my fall from grace.
Life had been relatively easy the last several years. Ministry had been fruitful, seeing eyes opened to something larger than themselves and though my salary was meager, we wanted for little. Then the call came, awakening a desire for something more.
Some would say it was crazy, making a move like this in an economy that was struggling, but my pride answered and I followed. For months, I lived apart from my family, working for my faith, as the wax that held my wings together slowly melted in the sun, until I plummeted to the rocks below.
Coming home was one of the hardest things I ever did, and one of the easiest. My heart swooned at being with my family again, while at the same time breaking for all I had lost. Questions twisted around my mind...was it all a dream? why was it all taken away? Anger, pain, doubt, they swirled like a maelstrom, at the loss of my identity, threatening to take my dwindling faith with it.
It has been sixteen months, each day another step in the journey of re-finding myself, and while the step into ministry may seem like the greatest leap, discovering myself afterward and learning to fly again has taken so much more.
"Is it supposed to feel this way?"
"I don't know. I have never been here before."
"Then I guess we will see, as we round the next bend in the road, together."
This is my life.