Tuesday, March 9, 2010

search & seizure

i can't sleep, not that i don't want to,
nor am i being deviant or sneaky but
because they won't let me.

it happened again. i awake surrounded
by faces i barely recognize, of men that
come into the house in the middle of the
night to check on me, letting me know
it happened again.

rerun, rerun, rerun...it sounds boring
just saying it, but that is all that is on,
as my eyelids wrestle a cage match
with my will power.

must stay awake.
must stay awake.
must stay...

tomorrow they will glue electrodes to
my head, one at a time, until wires
sprout like multi-color hairs. flashing
lights periodically just to stimulate me.

how many more days will i have to
take these little white pills, and explain
them again? or better yet why does
this happen, can anyone tell me?

i will walk into school, my hair a rat's
nest of hardened epoxy and dark
circles under my eyes. you will look
at me and wonder, thinking you are
not, but you are...

the same kinda different as me.

Its been a while since I wrote about growing up with seizures, and never really understanding why I had them. They went away somewhere during puberty, disappearing as mysteriously as they came.

92 comments:

Susan said...

Wow. That was very vivid. I like how you described it.

william said...

must have been a nightmare mate, but at least u lost them in your adult life, pretty scary... great post, have a super evenin :)

Dorraine said...

There is no way you could describe a seizure without having one. Well, at least not the vivid way you did.

I'm so glad you don't have them anymore. :-)

Brian Miller said...

one of my kids (work) had one and was really struggling with it as it made him different and awkward. it made it easy to talk through as i had been there, and it is. mine always happened when i was asleep, so i was never really concious when they were going on. anyway, got me to thinking...

Percy Bisque Silley said...

Please try to post on sillier topics.

Jaime said...

wow. that must have been so hard. and a huge relief when you didn't have the seizures anymore.

Brian Miller said...

percy, i hear you. i have been a bit heavy of late...will work on my silliness...

Betsy said...

wow...great description! I bet you are so thankful they are gone!

The Retired One said...

Very revealing, Brian and brave of you to share yourself in this way.
I am sure it freaked you out when your son had a seizure too....

Tracy said...

I can't even imagine what it must have been like, Brian, but your words helped me. I'm glad you are doing okay now. It's always interesting to see your post title and wonder where it's going to take me.

Titanium said...

It is a mercy that you are able to transcribe your experiences and offer the companionship to youngsters who are reckoning with similar issues.

I am glad that he has you.

Magpie said...

Obviously left quite an impression. This is vivid enough to have been experienced yesterday. Awesome writing as always. I often feel like you've taken me by the hand and are leading me somewhere special. That's an amazing gift.

only a movie said...

Wow. Must have been anxiety producing... not knowing when another one would strike...

Bonnie, Original Art Studio said...

Hard stuff - and the gift it left you with is your exquisite sensitivity to the pain of others.

Aren't hormones amazing?!!

California Girl said...

Hi Brian: The minute I started reading this, I knew to what you referred. I was diagnosed with "adult onset epilepsy" at the tender age of 28. It was idiopathic as they couldn't determine a cause. I have been on and off the meds for years. I've done trial and error medicine for years and had some really terrible side effects. As of this date, I'm on it now for life. I figure getting older lowers my threshold of resistance so why take a chance?

lakeviewer said...

They must have been scary! You were fortunate! My youngest son had them for a few years too, after a fever. He too outgrew them. We are so complex.

Monique@Mommyhood Exposed said...

wow, that is so terrifying. So glad they are gone! I can't even imagine what that must have felt like.

SUSAN SONNEN said...

Wow! You did an excellent job!

secret agent woman said...

There is so much we just haven't figured out yet about the brain and how it works.

Joanna Jenkins said...

How scary for you and your folks. Yikes. Great news that they passed on their own.

Hope your week is going good.
jj

Jingle said...

wow,
you share part of your youth and it is awesome to learn and get to know.
I have been there when I was young, it is a feeling of insecurity and settlements.

I can see your struggle with your words in my sight...vivid, haunting, and stuning!

G-Man said...

Those electrodes must have burned an awesome writing talent into your brain...Cause brother you got it!

Brian Miller said...

lol. gman...that may just be what happened to me...

Velvet Over Steel said...

Very good description and I'm sure helped the young person you were trying to connect to. Good heart you have! Glad I found your blog and following you now. :-) ~ Coreen

Eva Gallant said...

g-man maybe on to something! You are gifted!

Green-Eyed Momster said...

How scary! I'm so glad they went away and you're okay to bless us with your posts.

Hilary said...

That had to be pretty frightening for you.. and for your parents. What a relief it must have been when they ceased.

tattytiara said...

That really shared a lot of insight.

Ronda Laveen said...

What g-man said, yes. Sometimes we can not forsee how our difference makes us better.

Marla said...

My mom had seizures. Scary stuff for a little boy.

Have you read "same kinda different as me"? Great book!

Baino said...

The very opposite happened to my sister who went from petit mal to grande mal seizures when she turned 15 . . under control now as long as she sleeps well, eats well and takes her meds.

Sh@KiR@ CK said...

Dearest Brian,

OMG, very vivid and creative post,
again from the heart.
Thank you so much for sharing,Brian.
Are you much better now?

I am so happy to read that you are using
your gift in writing to help you
in making you a better counselor
especially when you can heal along the way too!

Bravo, Brian! You know I am a fan and always a supportive friend.

hugs
shakira

souldose said...

You've opened yourself up and you're sharing the real you... Though tests keep saying my shaking spells and fainting are not seizures this is still something I understand all too well... Thank God yours ended.

Mr. Stupid said...

Wow. This was a good one. Glad they are all gone...:)

Have a nice day!

mo.stoneskin said...

Sounds like it was a tough time.

Protege said...

That must have been an ordeal. My sister suffered from epileptic seizures as a child, but it also went away with puberty and medication. But we worried about her constantly and I recall being very scared and protective of her when we were kids.
And am still today.;))
Beautiful and important post.
xo
Zuzana

Valerie said...

Wonderfully described in your own words.
Tough on you, Brian, but thankfully the problem went away ... leaving you to understand fully how others feel.

Ocean Girl said...

You write real life stories and so when I read tomorrow they will glue electrodes, I got scared.

It must have been tough Brian.

Realliveman said...

I had a friend who went through this.

Superb way of writing about it.

otin said...

Seizures are very tough to witness. As an observer, you feel so helpless and there is very little that you can do. You are very fortunate that they went away.

Harnett-Hargrove said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sh@KiR@ CK said...

Brian, I am ready for the Thursday Poets' Rally,
come and join us....

hugs
shakira

SAVE GREAT LAKES NOW!

Harnett-Hargrove said...

Relieved it was a phase left behind. A scar writes well. -J

sheila said...

Great description! I've never had one, but my sister suffered with grand malls as a child. very scary!

Kim A. said...

My husband has epilepsy. The VA wanted to do surgery on him. He said no..he can live with the seizures. The thought that the government wants to open his brain made us both shiver.

Namaste

idgtm said...

Thankfully, you don't get these any more. A very scary time, indeed.

slommler said...

That would be baffling! I can only imagine your confusion and fear at the time. Glad they disappeared.
Hugs
SueAnn

Jess Mistress of Mischief said...

And the comment that you left explaining more was awesome, because you were in the right place at the right time to help. :)

Goofball said...

scary frustrating stuff

Daniel said...

I love the way something sparks a seed, that becomes a thought, that expands into a post like this one. Very vivid and real.

JStar said...

This is scary...

Brahm said...

Wow - troubling, unexpected, and beautifully written. Excellent post, thanks for sharing.

Peter Stone said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Peter Stone said...

Wow, reading that post, Brian, sounded so familiar. Were these grand mal seizures? Glad to hear they stopped during puberty.

I started having complex partial (temporal lobe) seizures when I was thirty, and put up with them for five years before miraculously finding out what they were. Next came MRI and EEG, and ever since, the medication.

Travel & Dive Girl said...

Wow, my husband had seizures growing up and he too grew out of them around the time he was 16.

JML said...

That's really unfortunate. I have a few friends with younger siblings going through this right now, I'm sure they'd like to read this.

Mona said...

It happens. You do lose them during puberty sometimes. That is for the lucky few who do. They happen to those whose mother might have suffered a mild seizure during her Delivery of the baby.

The imahery is vivid. It is the imagery in your poetry that make them so lyrical and 'real poetry'

Mom said...

Living through the seizures with you was a nightmare, but am so grateful that medication controlled them for the most part until you outgrew them. We never knew why they came but doctors said that early onset seizures usually correct themselves...and they did. Love you, son.

william said...

thanks for the honest Brian, I resepct that, please revisit the blog and tell me if you can read this font comfortably, if not I will change it again, thanks for telling me :)

CrbianFool said...

Holy fuck that's a good poem. I recognized the style at once, but the substance is unmistakably you, which is I suppose what we're all going for. Can't wait to go thru your writing and enjoy some fine poetry. Glad to find someone that posts as much as I do!!! And here I thought I was crazy...hahahaha thanks for the great poetry, keep it coming! IF you ever get bored, I'm always posting at http://caribbeanfool.wordpress.com Thanks again and congrats on your bitchin' achievements.

Cop Mama said...

I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I'm glad it cleared up, though. I read your comment where you said one of your kids at work now has it. Maybe it was a lesson meant to be learned to help others?

PS. Ok, seriously dude, you have the most interesting comments...from someone telling you to be sillier (sp?) to someone using the F word!

BTW, don't change a thing. It's your blog, your stories...funny, fiction, real, rumor...it's all good!

CrbianFool said...

oooh my bad. if y'all don't like swear words I would probably skip out on visiting my blog. not much swearing, but you won't like the subject matter. sorry dude, great poem, i'll leave now.

crb

Jen Chandler said...

Excellent vivid portrayal of this. My sister had something similar to seizures. She was never told that what they were, but that's what we call them. They went away too, not long after she graduated high school.

So glad you have found relief from them and that you have been able to help others who struggle with maintaining a normal life with them.

Funny how sometimes it seems we must struggle through things for a season just so we can tell someone else, "it's okay; I've been there too."

Jen

Chhaya said...

i have said this before.. and i m saying it again. u r a maverick...

i m really thankful to god that u have gotten rid of em seizures...

vividly portrayed, Brian. felt as if it was happening to me ...

Jill said...

Yet another life experience that has already helped you help another. Glad they are gone.

Jessie said...

brian, sometimes you have to go where your pen takes you, and your readers will always be there living your words.

take a bow and pick up the roses on your stage--you are so deserving!

warm smiles,

Jen Chandler said...

Brian, I also wanted to say thanks for the comment on my other blog yesterday. The screenplay is definitely new and undiscovered territory for me. I'm excited and yet...intimidated.

Shyamalan's book is very eye opening not only into his thought process and life, but also into what goes into making a film one believes in. I think it could be applied to making a life one belives in. I hope if you read it you enjoy it.

Happy Wednesday,
Jen

Liza said...

"the same kinda different as me."
That is a stellar line!
Thanks for sharing this piece of yourself Brian.

Adoption of Jane said...

glad it was only a nightmare, and they didn't come back!

Jingle said...

Week 8 Perfect Poet Award

week 8 award: http://jingleyanqiu.wordpress.com/2010/03/08/1731/

http://jingleyanqiu.wordpress.com/2010/03/05/thursday-poets-rally-perfect-poet-award-homecoming-week/

good morning,
hope that you enjoy a nice day!
I placed your link in,
and remind you of the week 8 perfect poet award, please nominate one previous participant and thank you.
;)

Christina said...

Seizures suck. My MIL recently started having them out of no where last year.

Great writing Brian... you pull us in and put us right there in the middle of it all.
*applause*

Brian Miller said...

you are alright crbn...doors always open...

PattiKen said...

You did a great job capturing what must have been a terrifying experience. I'm so glad you outgrew this.

mama-face said...

somehow since i've been home i've missed so many of your posts...like i'm completely out of sync...enough about me.

those things we just can't or don't understand as a child, even if they are "explained" to us, really effect as adults. i'm not making any discovery there, you just always get me thinking...

LadyFi said...

Oh wow.. what a frightening time for you as a child.

Barbara said...

I'm so sorry you had to live through that, Brian.
I have a friend who has done this in reverse. She never had any seizures until she was in her 60's.
It's a very unusual form. She says it has taken her confidence away. Even though medication has stopped them, she never can be certain.

anthonynorth said...

I can imagine it being harrowing as a young person. You capture the feeling so perfectly.

blueviolet said...

I can't even imagine the not knowing! I'm glad they're gone now!

Rain said...

Thanks for sharing that Brian. I can't imagine how scary that must have been for you. I'm grateful for you that you don't suffer them anymore.

Mama Zen said...

That sounds really rough, Brian!

Meeko Fabulous said...

Wow! That's powerful. I guess the Lord works in mysterious ways and doesn't send you anything you can't handle, you know? Sorry, didn't mean to get all God-ish.

Kay said...

wow is right! you never stop amazing... to place down in words so eloquently your experiences. Did they ever find the reason? Horrid thought to have to go through.

Mighty M said...

How scary and frustrating that must have been for you - so glad it is not a problem that continues to plague you!

liza said...

WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wickedly descriptive. I thought this post was another Brotin Tale. I'm also glad they're gone. Did I read that one of your kids (at work) has them? I've been trying to guess what you did for a living. I bet you're a teacher. And the most popular one, too!

Corrie Howe said...

Wow! That would be scary. What a story you could tell to parent with children who have seizures. I have a few I follow.

June_Butterfly said...

I guess they were terrible times for you.I had an Uncle who had them.He passed away when I was little,but I can still remember those attacks like it was yesterday.

I'm glad yours went away.May you have good health,always.

Nessa said...

My co-worker's daughter got them at 16. She has an electric shock thing to try to interrupt them but sometimes it doesn't work. And they don't know why she gets them either.

It must have been frightening and annoying.

T13 - Kindle Krazy

gayle said...

They are so scary!! My brother use to have them and it always scared me to death!

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

One of my best friends had mysterious seizures - they never did figure out what triggered them. Very scary stuff! Glad yours disappeared!

AmyLK said...

Very scary to a little one. Glad they went away though.

Pat said...

I like the play on words in the title.

This must not of been easy as a kid. Anything deviating from the norm, no matter HOW little, really stood out. I think kids, and the public in general, are more tolerant now.

MomsJournal said...

I had a friend in college that had very tiny seizures. By tiny I mean that she just went blank and her eyes fluttered for a bit and that was all. Because of that she couldn't drive, so for the online class we shared I picked her up for the once a week live class. She was extremely shy and told me she seemed to only have her seizures when she felt comfortable. She had one in front of me on our first meeting on the way to class. An odd sort of complement.

Does everyone that has seizures have to go through something like that or was it only because yours were at night? My friend never mentioned anything like that, but then again she was very reserved.