what are you looking for?
he waits for specific words that will let him know i am here for a reason. my lips spill them before they leave my addled mind and he allows me to pass, his cold grey eyes following me each step of the way. his lips purse, blowing out the flame with the howl of a great wind.
course hands grab me, forcing a hood over my head, binding my wrists. voices whisper from all directions. a firm grip pinches my upper arm, pulling me through a river of twisting passages, up and down stairs, prolonged stops where they leave me, only to find me again, moving. my head swims, breath hot, pushed back in my face by the clothe.
kneel.
concrete chews my knees, my eyes pinch tight, blinking, slowly becoming accustomed to the light, hood rustling off my face. the only thing visible is a worn brown skull, surrounded by crimson candles on gold pedestal holders. voices boom from the shadows, as i stare into the empty sockets, a litany of responsibility and secrecy.
stand.
working myself upright with arms bound takes effort. achieving the task, a hand snakes out of the shadows, pushing me backwards, others lower me into a plywood box. darkness envelopes, a lid is placed and hammers begin to pound, sealing my fate.
fingers become my eyes, feeling the cramped space for what they can see; nothing. the coffin rises from the ground, swaying with movement as muffled voices begin my eulogy. ropes hum against the wood and i feel myself lowered to a jarring clomp on the ground. earthen smells seep in through the cracks, heavy thumps of what i can only assume is dirt rattles against the lid.
silence.
silence.
i don't know if i can bear this.
silence.
noise.
nails scream, the lid pulls free and they bid me rise.
you are one of us now.
i see their faces, now in the light, smiling. i smile to keep from crying, my heart skipping with excitement and relief. it will be two years before i realise some matches can't be blown out so easy, once lit. eventually the secrets begin to burn the tips of your fingers, and they won't let you drop it.
they may even be reading this now.
This was written for the picture prompt at Magpie Tales.
Posts
101 comments:
There is no group I would ever want to belong to badly enough to submit myself to an initiation.
Now that's some rite of passage! You gripped me from the start and didn't let go. Whew!
Kat
Phew, I am breathing again. Great story!
Wow, you could have thrown a little fiction in there and ended up with a hell of a horror scene!
Brian's I've been admiring your story and writing style. It was a pleasure reading about YOU on Gillian's Blog.
It was great hearing you are a therapist for children that might be removed from their homes. Great you are doing service such as that in your working life..
Thanks for bringing such wonderful stories.. and that most are Facts Based... beautiful.
MY blog is just rambling...lol.. I'm blogging because I was told many times in Al-Anon to keep a Journal. It makes me do better writing it out to the UNIVERSE.. in a mesh-mashed way..
And you have always been kind in your comment...
Oh, gosh, that was scary. My heart was beating faster the more I read!
"...concrete chews my knees"? Love it. LOVE it!
Wow! I should write about a similar tale that happened to me in Jr. High that was NOT part of a hazing ritual but of a neighbor girl and her friends being cruel.
I don't think I would join this group but then I was always a girly girl........:-) Hugs
Whoooff! I nearly stopped breathing myself. Spellbinding!
it was years ago...and i escaped...i think. smiles. we were all young and dumb once, right?
been reading some old stephen king short stories...think they are wearing off on me...
EXCELLENT Brian I turned the tv off and just read this, much better, great post, have a good day, its almost bed time here, tarra.
The Magpie Tales format could have been invented with you in mind ... As someone once said - "nobody does it better"
Captures you right from the beginning! Very creepy Brian.
You know, you really need to just hunker down and start doing long-form.
Normally a story like this would make my heart race. However, my heart has beat so hard today that I don't think it has it left to race. That was a great story. I promise to read it again tomorrow when my head is clear. Thank you for your prayer :)
Any story that has a skull in it has my rapt attention. Gonna ave to jump to Magpie Tales to see what the prompt is all about.
Wow. In first half, the image of Daniel Pearl came to mind ... the second half changed that ... You certainly are making an intimate acquaintance with different forms of near death experiences.
What a trip! You must have wanted to belong to the group very badly. I'm sorry, I would not have a smile as you did. Even a shaky smile. I know we all do silly things when we are young. Stupid things sometimes. The things are just very different. I think because I had trust issues I would not go along with anything that I did not have control of what was going on with me. You were a gutsy kid, still a kid if this was in college. Love the way you wrote this. Heart pounding.
It was a neighborhood ritual when I was a kid to climb into this wooden toy box and all the rest of thikids would sit on the top. You only got out when time elapsed...shich seemed like forever or you freaked out screaming and pounding. Memories.
fast
intense
so real
and so perspiring
from the heat of
a single match
stick!
That's it! I'm not joining any more clubs!
Creepy good stuff!
Chi Phi! (Do you realize how hard it was for me not to say "Chiefy"?? ;) Awesome!
I always wanted to join a fraternity. Why won't they let girls join?
Great piece! I have to do a collage of the play Hamlet and I was reading your piece I thought of the mood of Hamlet, I think you may have set the tone for me, thanks.
I would need years of therapy after that initiation....or hazing....
no group would be worth THAT to join to me!!!
I have heard stories of similar hazings where people died from some of the things they put people through...
I am so glad your spirit wasn't broken from that experience!
Yeah.... nope. Couldn't do it. Not even for a mountaineering sponsorship. Uh-huh.
you are brilliant
scary, scary stuff!
Your "jungle" life was quite awesome (now knowing how you turned out. I'm all smiles Brian).
I just finished Dan Brown's the Lost Symbol and all trapped in caskets, being buried alive etc., really don't sit well with me at the moment. But even so Dan Brown can learn plenty from you, my friend.
Bravo!!!!!!!!!
Great job!
This is almost unbearably creepy.
fraternity initiation?
Agreeing with JeffScape here, Brian...especially with your visuals...!
great story. You write really well. makes the rest of us look like...
You are wonderfully creative, Brian...especially with horror stuff :)
Rites of passage and Initiation--- always wondered how many a spirit goes through...with awareness and without awareness,
wishes,
devika
"...secrets begin to burn the tips of your fingers, and they won't let you drop it."
Wow! Aside from the haunting story, that line speaks of many inconvenient truths that sometimes chase us! a great read!
You were rumbling with that crowd, ah?
Brian, the entire time I'm reading this, I was thinking of your comment on the feature post at Gillian's blog, where you said that 90-95% of your stories are true. So was this some sort of initiation, or just one of the 5-10 % you made up?
What a thrilling and gripping read!
Brian
C'est magnifique! Thanks for sharing; and major bonus points for making my heart race, and giving me a good scare. After I read your post I made sure all the lights were on in my house and my doors and windows were locked.
Joanny
PS Thanks for leaving such a nice comment on my blog -- it made my day.
Thanks a lot, Brian. I won't be sleeping any time tonight.
FREAKY!!!!!
God, that was really spooky. Love the way you end your tale (does it truly end at all???)-'some matches can't be blown out so easy, once lit. eventually the secrets begin to burn the tips of your fingers'. Looking forward to your next week magpie tale ...
Great story...Now I'm gonna have nightmares!
A master craftsman at work. The single word paragraphs break it up nicely
Concrete chewing knees. Beautifully put my friend.
Lovely piece of writing..enjoyed.. :)
Take care
u always shine!
Enjoy your ride.
I look up at u,
smiles.
I do not recognize this kind of initiation (ceremony), therefore this was a read of suspense to me.;))
xo
Zuzana
...and this is why I keep my state unaligned with any cabal.
is too... :)
http://ishabellemanalo.wordpress.com/2010/02/23/you-deserve-a-star-today-award
Scary story... I was kind of expecting a twist in the end though, where you'd say that it was just your buddys throwing you a really mean kind of surprise bachelor party or something like that... But no, this was for real? Skull, coffin, the silence, and all... Scary stuff.
...eventually the secrets begin to burn the tips of your fingers, and they won't let you drop it... there is a resonance here that is so very sharp. -J
Powerful! I could actually smell the earth and felt my breath falter. I felt entombed for a second! Argh! Whew! I was released!
Thanks
Hugs
SueAnn
This is why I am not a "group" person.
Very provocative story.
RnPB Update
This is scary. "They may even be reading this now." That sounds frightening.
On a lighter note, yes this can be a part of a horror story.
Such good imagery that I really felt I was there with that poor soul.
That is seriously creepy! Great atmosphere and terrific ending!
Confinement eats at me causing quickening madness. I can't ... I won't.
I am in awe of your writing skills. You gripped my attention from start to finish, I could wait to get to the end to figure out what it was about. I only wish I could write like this :)
My dearest Brian
Me got an award for you.....
Come and get it, please?
http://justmeshakirack.blogspot.com/2010/02/honesty-is-best-policy-honest-scrap.html
hugs
shakira
That was scary but awesome!
Superb!
It is like some frat initiation gone all Illuminati-ish. Dan Brown rocks..and so do you. Please continue the story...pleasepleaseplease
Namaste
that was a freaky hazing ritual, but a fabo read! you have serious talent. i'm glad you're writing a book.
i read your intro. over at Gillians, such a wonderful, true soul you have.
warm smiles,
Wow! What effective use of words. I actually felt my knees rubbing on the concrete. Phew!
You should be a script/screen writer honestly you write chills like no one else
You should be a script/screen writer honestly you write chills like no one else
The tension in that story was masterful, Brian.
Whew!
Made me think of Poe on this one, Brian. Your imagination takes flights of fancy from a simple prompt. Matches, huh? Well, let's see what we can do with a box of matches....
Secrets burning the tips of one's fingers: so unsettling, and a fine ending!
...the way in...
the key, but, for a price.
...the piece packed in a jolt of emotion...in such a short span... succinct and precise...while forceful!
...the end of the story, mystery solved, or is it :)?
So this is the path of young Drac..one of us at last..glad you passed the groping hands of Vlad!!
OMG, buried alive for a frat? I have heard of this, but it would be harrowing. Reading it is close enough for me.
Or did I just totally goof this up?
Dang, I never ever want to go through an initiation like that. No matter how bad I want to join the group!
Wow. Hard to read so early in the morning -- a bit like a nightmare. The writing is gorgeous, suspenseful -- just wow. I'm glad to have "found" your blog through Magpie Tales and look forward to reading more and more.
feeling a bit claustrophobic....LOL!
A writing of worth, amazing!
Chris
absolutely superb. secrets do burn our fingers...
I was never much of a joiner, but had a hazing or two in my life..Very good bit of writing here today!
I've heard shocking frat initiation rituals.
Coffin??
This is why I would never.....!
Creepy story.
I actually knew a girl who thought she was a witch. She lived in an old house that had some kind of enclosure in a wall. She once tricked someone in there and shut the door on her. As I recall, the parents called the police.
When she grew up, she married well, had 5 kids and was a master bridge player. One day, I was in a car with her and she drove by an opponents home and said she was putting a hex on her so she'd lose at the bridge table the next day.
Honestly, the girl was certifiable.
However, she divorced, went to med school (I'm not kidding) and is now a dermatologist in the NYC area. Marrried well again and you would know who it was if I mentioned her name.
I wonder if she is still a witch?
Wow ~ the kind of story that I want to look away from, but can't due to awesome storytelling...
well done! ...and, glad you survived!! =-)
aggh I could feel the lid coming down just inches from face and my finger tips burning the smell of sulphur in my nostrils--great post!
This was so awesome. I couldn't even breathe and was right there in that coffin. Absolutely brilliant!
I was thinking of rushing a fraternity!
And they wonder why I'm not much of a joiner. :-)
That is just plain scary - terrifying actually
Made me think of the scene in Dan Brown's The Lost Secret. When a tale like this causes claustrophobia while reading, it is a excellent written piece of work. Congrats.
QMM
And I thought being forced to act like a slave at band camp was bad.
When is your book coming out, Brain??
You are a powerful writer Brian.
You're scaring me....that was awful. Can't imagine "joining" that one would be voluntary.
I took initiation, which was blissful, transcended the mundane and binding ties of material existence, and which takes me places daily....thank God it was the opposite of what you wrote :)
Eeeeks!
I have a feeling this will manifest itself as a dream for me tonight or shall I say, nightmare.
Oh my - thought it was another story... actually it could be a number of stories. Well done - I was right with you. (I'm still getting over it.)
Great story! But good lord the things people put themselves through!
Wow! This is very Stephen Kingish and Otinish! And it's TRUE? Yikes! I could NEVER do that! It was hard enough to READ it, let alone experience it! Great writing, for we were right alongside you in that coffin!
I just joined Magpie Tales. I put up a section called Just Write, and I'm posting them under there...nyer nyer :)
as I read, I suspected a hazing ritual instead of something more ominous. I don't get hazing at all? Seems antiquated, outdated, and inhumane. But then again I never pledged a sorority as I was a faithful GDI. :)
I agree with secret agent woman, there is nothing I want that much. But then again, I'm a woman and not a man...maybe that's the difference.
Post a Comment