Sunday, November 29, 2009

Grenades

Sweetness sits on curving precipice of her little old lady smile, up to the point the grenade goes off, and then she just laughs.

It is the twinkle in her easy eyes, framed by brush stroke creases of wisdom, that draws me in...

Her voice is like maple syrup as she describes her wares, nimble fingers slathering their goodness for my repast...

Temptress, she offers, than pulls back...we do have sissy sauce, if you'd rather...

My boys are with me, she knows this...

Forms slip in front of me...may cause blindness, sterility...waive all rights...

It may be hot...she mocks, dabbing the pretzel with a pin prick of brown liquid...

my tongue dissolves into dust spilling across my lips with each breath...

my ears are being cleaned with crochet needles...

my sinuses purge down my shirt, around my ankles...

I roll into fetal position, crying for my momma...

and she just laughs...

...kinda like the feeling you get when you open the credit card statements after Christmas.

Apparently 4,000,000 Scoville units is pretty hot, when it comes to hot sauce. It hurt worse than the time T and I got shot with pepper spray at K-mart...err...thats a story for another time. Anyone know the number for the lawyer that sued McDonald's when that guy spilled coffee on himself?

There is no way I am responsible for my own decisions...

...yeah, that doesn't work on the credit card companies either.

Careful out there this shopping season, gramma is packing grenades...but no where near as devastating as being unwise with the plastic.

50 comments:

Jaime said...

you know, if you have to sign a waiver before they serve it, you probably shouldn't be eating it!

Brian Miller said...

lol. you know, you may have a point there...

Cabo said...

There you go again, John Hancocking your way to no taste buds...

True about cards, though. Thank God mine don't work anymore. ;)

Barry said...

Too funny Brian! I've enjoyed this.

I've regretted eating similar sauces, and didn't heed the warnings either.

Or the next time.

Or the time after that.

otin said...

I just eat it anyway, damn the consequences! Kind of the same way as with my credit cards!
Hey, maybe the McDonalds lawyer can handle my bankruptcy! LOL!

Rose Marie Raccioppi said...

A post to savor - heed to the warnings. The time "after" lies ahead...

Bonnie, Original Art Studio said...

An apt comparison Brian - the impact of hot sauce to the impact of plastic - both can burn you.

Vince Farrell said...

thanks Brian! love the parallel between grandma with grenades and credit card debt, too funny!

Ronda Laveen said...

Granny probably eats that sauce like candy. That's one HOTsy Totsy senior.

Wings said...

Hah! Some great lines in this piece!

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

I love spicey and hot sauce, but this post has me scared.

smiles4u said...

We live in the land of not taking responsibility for choices and not living within our means....if you can't afford it now pay with plastic and figure out how to pay later...ugh. I am thankful this isn't a trap we have gotten pulled into but many around us are.

Good post! :)

e said...

Grenades and credit card debt, Brian, you definitely lobbed a good one...

I'm still recuperating from a recent "tip back and fall on head on pavement" episode, but this had me laughing...

You are so right, the credit card companies are out for blood...

As for the hot sauces, I avoid them like I avoid shopping.

Baino said...

Haha sounds like we've almost got enough candidates for a class action. WAH . . I haven't even thought about Christmas shopping . . .

Protege said...

I am not a big fan of hot and spicy food (or sauce), but reading this made me feel like I just tasted some.;)

Vodka Logic said...

Your sinuses purged down your shirt....

great visuals.. great story.
Thanks xx

Shadow said...

oh gosh, i haven't even started yet, and now i'm too petrified. gonna give out cards with a link to this post as an excuse for the lack of presents this year, heee heee heeeeee

Lorraine said...

Too good Brian and so painful damn plastic...you'd think we'd learn by now, hot sauce and all ;)

Candie Bracci said...

I think you are a courageous man!:)

Betsy said...

Sissy sauce next time? LOL!

Jill said...

Oh, I like a little spice but NO WAY would I eat something I had to sign a waiver to ingest!!! HA!! I actually admire those that eat Super SPICY and actually enjoy it...I am not one of those people!

Gaston Studio said...

LOL, sounds like you might have been in Sam's where the temptations are always undertaken by little old ladies with blue hair, or sometimes pink!

buffalodick said...

When Pure Cap was the hottest food additive available, at 500,000 Scoville units, it came in an eye drop bottle, and I had to sign a waiver.. Pepper spray doesn't have as much Scoville as dozens of hot sauces on the market today! Technically they are not hot sauces, but a food additive designed to be blended into other liquids for heat- not taste.. They are just plain stupid and dangerous, usually made for collector's of hot sauces- never meant to be used!

Valerie said...

Christmas shopping? What's that! OK I'm kidding... the answer to the plastic is have a card in someone else's name. It not only saves my own cash, it makes me cautious. I hate rows!

Kathy's Klothesline said...

You make me remember some hot wings love of my life made years ago when our house was teen central. Lanky long hair and mohawks at our table with all the macho remarks about being able to ingest all things hot and spicy. I just sat and watched as the tears flowed and the napkins were used to blow noses! Just a sniff of the entree brought me to tears and cleared my sinuses, NO WAY would I have ouched the mess with my tongue!

Travel & Dive Girl said...

Fantastic visuals. LOL!

Brian Miller said...

the hottest food i ever ate was at a little place in El Paso...we laughed, we cried and emptied drinks by the pitcher to put out the fire...i will learn one of these days...smiles.

Mama Zen said...

This is hilarious!

Monkey Man said...

I love hot sauces, but not just hot for hot sake. I like flavor. El Paso Chile Company's Hell Fire & Damnation is my fav. Dave's Insanity Sause is just hot. Sounds like Gramma had a touch of Insanity.

enchantedoak said...

A painful post, wonderfully written. I've already wracked up the credit cards on Black Friday and await the grenades.

g-man said...

Must be those tiny red Thai peppers!

Daniel said...

Thanks for the laugh, twas needed today. Hope you are doing well today my friend.

TechnoBabe said...

My first taste of really hot sauce was in Mexico, my dad told me the bowl of red sauce was my soup, it came with what I ordered so I used the large spoon and poured some down my throat. No amount of water could calm the fiery storm for such a long time and of course I couldn't even talk. Maybe that was what he wanted all along, huh. Your way of writing about this is so darn good. Better than that even.

JML said...

Oh man. I don't do spicy, hot, or really anything. It all KILLS me. I'm entirely ok with it too, because it does seem to be some type of torture... great post!!

willow said...

Next time don't fall for that maple syrup voice!

Jessie said...

i have such a sadistic sense of humor sometimes ... i laugh until i cry when i watch someone do that. lol

i hope if "next time" comes around, you follow your instincts...

warm smiles,

Joanna Jenkins said...

No hot sauce for this girl-- And I'm ONLY paying cash this holiday-- I hope :-)

jj

only a movie said...

I have a cold today - could use some hot sauce. ha.

staceyjwarner said...

wow, great story, i can't imagine...LOL!

missed you.

much love

Liza said...

sissy sauce...LOL!

Nancy said...

How true it is. I am so angry with the banks, I refuse to give them anything.

Wow with the hot sauce! Did you have taste buds left?

The Retired One said...

Those credit cards have made many eyes water, swallow hard and start to sweat like hot sauce, Brian...no doubt about it. That is why I stay away from both!!!

blueviolet said...

My husband tried to get on the wall of fire or something in a wings restaurant earlier this year and he said his butt felt like it was on fire for the next two days.

Green-Eyed Momster said...

3 jalapeƱos is one too many for our family salsa recipe. I've done it twice. When will I learn????
As for the plastic. They're all maxed. No room for carelessness! LOL!!
Smiles!

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

Hubby bought some of that hot sauce that came in a child-proof outer container and he had to sign a waiver. I won't touch it with a 10-foot pole. ;)

Now I'm really intrigued by yours and T's K-Mart pepper spray encounter...hope you plan to write about that soon! :)

Goofball said...

ouch

I really would have gone for the sissy sauce right away. I've once eaten by mistake a spoonfull of horseradish while expecting fishsalad (yeah don't ask)...that was bad enough for me.

Jess Mistress of Mischief said...

OMG I so understand this experience, a beautiful beacon of hot in a store front in Myrtle Beach entices with pretty colors and beautiful liquid luciousness... many X's and lots of warnings.

My first thought is, aw it can't be THAT bad...

So I must MUST try it myself. I can never just take someone's word for it when it comes to testing the limits of adventure...

Now testing the limits of consideration of other's feelings and ideas - that's all very foreign to me, very new, very (head tipping slightly) "Huh? That's a consideration?"

It's no wonder I have so many scars and stories of burns! :) LOL

kys said...

The credit card line was classic. Too funny!

Hilary said...

My sinuses spontaneously turned inside out while reading this. It reminded me of the time I thought that a great big glop of Wasabi sauce was the much more benign guacamole ...

Pat said...

I know, I know. You just wanted to be a "Manly MAN" in front of your kids. Now you know. Crying like a baby because the sauce was too hot was not too manly, was it? Should of said "NO THANK YOU" and walked away. BEWARE OF GRANDMAS.They are out to get you!