Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Theme Thursday: Rhythm

God is incapable of failure. yet here i am.

brilliant shadows of stained glass rainbows sprinkle across my road worn face, the gaping wounds in my back, mimic the ones in Your side and hands. a crown of thorns pushed into my brow as you turn your back, leaving me here, crucified by my broken heart.

i am not good enough.

damp lips press firmly into my cheek, while the silver stiletto slips between my ribs, the first drop of poison to my withering heart. my everything blows like dust in the wind, alone and afraid i embrace the cackling beast in the corner, thankful for his open arms.

he becomes me, i become him.

dwindling dregs remain from all that is poured into my cup, empty though i pour intoxication into the moments between heart beats and replace the hollow with dime store friday night love. the sun rises on my shame, flopping like a fish in a pool of my own refuge.

does anyone see me here.

whistling chokes are all that reach my lungs as my heart drums staccato, threatening to burst from my chest, the crescendo of my decent, until i lay shattered on the soft white sheets of this hospital gurney. why have i been forsaken.

one. two...thirty. breath.

crooked smiles as grace shines into my barren soul, the prodigal returning from his hip deep pig sty existence. loves warm kisses in the evening snow, wash me white again having never left as i ran out the door on myself. i surrender.

God is incapable of failure. yet here I AM.

this is my story, or part of it. each of these stories are, but there was a dark chapter, my shadow years between 16 and 20 where i walked in scary places trying to fill the void left by a broken heart. everything i thought true came crashing down around me, a discordant resonance in the rhythm of my life. finally i had a system crash and the next week i met my future wife. then together we found our way home again.

Rhythm.

60 comments:

Kris said...

I have always found the ontological argument the least convincing.

Brian Miller said...

its the whole bare assertion fallacy, right? ok, i looked up on wiki...

no argument, just a story...

Betsy said...

My favorite so far!

Jill said...

Aaaaaaahhhh, "the prodigal returning from his hip deep pig sty existence" yet you did and it is SO AWESOME how God did that...and then YOU and YOUR WIFE found your way home again...

God does NOT make mistakes. For this I am thankful.

otin said...

Brutally honest and personal! I would not expect it any other way from you. Chilling!!

The bond between you and your wife is storybook material!

♥ Braja said...

You're a great writer, Brian...no doubt about it. I've personally never looked at the stuff I wrote in those periods; too dark, and I can't deal with rehashing darkness....

♥ Braja said...

I'm in agreement with you re ontology, though: it's no argument. Some have facts, some don't...kinda simple.

otin said...

I think that my post was messed up, I fixed it.

An Open Heart said...

WOW....WOW....HOLY WOW....seriously, WOW.....

Again, 'teach you to be an artist'?
as my teenage niece would grunt
ptshhhh...

beautiful.
S

Kathleen said...

'splains a lot, Brian. Thanks for sharing.

Hit 40 said...

A beautiful ending to your story. Does your wife see your blog? This is touching.

Baino said...

I for one am very glad you got your rhythm back.

Sande said...

Coming to the end of ourselves is so liberating isn't it?

Verily I go. said...

So amazing and beautiful and terrifying. Totally agree with Holy Wow.

Ekanthapadhikan said...

That was a very honest commentary on yourself. Beautifully expressed. You are truly gifted with words, my friend!

Nancy said...

Good writing, bad time of your life. Glad the system failure wasn't a permanent one, and you can now have it in your past - an interesting and sad chapter, but long gone.

subtorp77 said...

Brian, incredible rhythm you have, here...

Megan said...

I don't know what to say. I read it, though...

Kanak Hagjer said...

You have a wonderful way with words...!! Stopped by to thank you for leaving your comment on my blog. Have a great day!

pinkfairygran said...

Thanks for dropping by in the PFG's modest little blog.

jay said...

Sounds as if you have gone through some extremely rough times, Brian. I'm glad you survived so well. I think these things shape us and make us who and what we are. It's part of the Plan.

Marianna said...

Powerful. One of your best! Thanks for sharing with us Brian :)

xoxo

only a movie said...

Wow Brian. I had to look that up on wiki too - but I'm w/ Braja. For me, it's kinda simple.
xxoo

Protege said...

Very poignant and touching. And brave to share such a personal experience.

Rob said...

Great stuff. One of your best.

Daniel said...

Good entry today. Bare and open and honest, ..., and affirming. I'm still waiting for my upswing, but the down time has been incessantly long. Trying to learn. Trying to stay positive. Trying to not give up. Trying not to forget the crucial lessons. Frustration builds to a crescendo as the same-old same-old continues in its frustratingly slow pace. But I know that a life can change, can turn around in an instant. Thanks for the gift of your reminder. Blessings.

California Girl said...

well written. you draw me in Bri.

willow said...

Life truly is a rhythm of choice and grace. Such a compelling and powerful piece, Brian. Beautiful.

Crystal Jigsaw said...

Your love of words continues to shine through.

CJ xx

Wings said...

Glad you were able to get your life on track.

Shadow said...

your writing here touched me. amazing how feeling the feelings can be so healing...

Travel & Dive Girl said...

Very powerful and well said, if not a little chilling. Thanks again for making me "think".

nonamedufus said...

Happy to see you found your rhythm.

Dreamhaven said...

No one is a failure who finds love.
Fantastic post.

Debbie said...

Amazing. It is frightening to me to think of those depths but glad you came out of it.

Goofball said...

I don't understand everything in this post (I guess too much fancy vocabulary and images for me) but
I'm glad you've been able to turn the dark pages from your life and move on though!

Alan Burnett said...

Quality stuff. As always.

Meeko Fabulous said...

Haunting yet beautiful.

reyjr said...

That was lovely Brian. Stories about triumph in adversity never fails to touch my heart. Looking forward to the next one then!

e said...

Thanks for sharing, Brian! Always an interesting time on this blog.

Deb said...

Difficult to read...because it is hard to think of anyone being in such pain, thinking that they are not good enough, that they are a failure. And so many never find their way home. Take care.

...mmm... said...

WOW Brian! DUDE! Seriously, this gives me goosebumps, especially the last bit. Brilliant writing as always.

VE said...

Terrific...I love your ending...

blueviolet said...

I admire your ability to look back. I hope it helps you move forward.

I tried that once and old wounds opened up which were much to painful to handle.

Skip Simpson said...

A beautiful piece of writing, sir! I'm so glad I subscribed to this site!

Colette Amelia said...

isn't it nice that there are some people who come into our lives and make us whole again?

Wouldn't it be great if everyone who is hurting knew this?

Keep the rythym flowing Brian! You make me believe.

TechnoBabe said...

"As I ran out the door on myself. I surrender." It was after you surrendered that you met your future wife? You are blessed.

Cheffie-Mom said...

Wow, very real and powerful.

liza said...

WOW! Glad you found your way back home!

Quackster said...

This post is deep and heart-felt. It always feels better when it comes from within. Nice to drop by.

Candie Bracci said...

AMAZING Brian!

Jen of A2eatwrite said...

I have to digest this for a while. It's brought up many thoughts for me on similar periods in my own life.

Powerful stuff.

Harnett-Hargrove said...

The post script had the happy ending...a relief.

Not For Jellyfish said...

What an amazing photograph of sadness and despair. I'm glad you found your way out.

books,coffee,etc.... said...

Hi! Brian,
All I can say is...Wow, thanks, for sharing!
I must admit this post is way to
"deep" for me, but I like the outcome...Happy TT
DeeDee ;-D

Sandra Leigh said...

Your story is both powerful and touching, Brian.

C.M. Jackson said...

brian--I see based upon the comments here that there is an opinion that you may be able to work a crowd --my thought is that you can work a crowd AND write about anything--an honest and poignant story--you write from the heart and leave me looking for more--best c

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

Wow. So glad you found your way out of those depths... and meeting your future wife the next week? Is she, perhaps, your Guardian Angel? :)

The Retired One said...

One cannot truly see and understand a rainbow without first experiencing the rain and storms.
I am so glad you found you way back.
I am convinced that because of your depth of despair, your sensitivity and writing is that more brilliant.
It is unfortunate that you had to have the pain, but I am grateful for the outcome.

lettuce said...

:-)