Dark love washes over my face, teasing me into wakefulness with its rich aroma. Rolling it around my mouth, overwhelmed by the depth of tones barely perceivable, hints at the greater whole of its brew. The sun is bright this morning, painting the grass a brilliant green carpet stretching to the craggy base of the mountains thrusting up into a pale blue sky. There is not a cloud in the sky, but I still feel the rain...
One of my favorite television shows got canceled this year, The Unit. Every week, Tara and I would carve out time to watch it online, to see where the story was going. When we would get to the end of an episode, we would be ready to watch another, but we had to wait until the next week when it was posted. Periodically through out the week we would talk about what happened the week prior and anticipate what was coming next. What was going to happen to our favorite characters? There was tension in not knowing.
That tension is where I live right now. Not for a television show, but in my life.
Those of you that have been around a while know that for the last six months I have been working part time as I look for a job. I left my last job because I was living apart from my family while we waited for the house to sell and after eight months decided to come home. Recently I was offered another job, but the house still hasn't sold. So we wait in the tension.
To add to the tension, money is tight, I worked eight hours this week. Coming back to Lynchburg after being away for eight months feels like a solider coming back from deployment and life has moved on without him. New relationships have formed, there are new inside jokes, whole chapters you have missed out on. While you stare at the silent phone, begging for it to ring, for someone to acknowledge you are here.
In the tension, there are all these questions that usually start with why and what. Why is this happening? What am I supposed to be learning from this? What am I doing wrong? You start to bargain for your release to higher power. If only you will...I will... You try to compare it to starving kids in Africa, it could be worse, but it doesn't make the tension go away, when it is personal. We want relief, right now.
What do you do when you don't have the answers?
Brown dregs of Dark Love pool in the bottom on my white coffee mug, still wrapped in my fingers, soaking the last of its warmth. Soon the greens will give way to vibrant autumn colors, until the leaves fall to crunch under foot. Winter will blow in, life will lay dormant, knowing someday Spring will come again. We don't question it, we just know it's coming.
Everything works for good. Are you comfortable not knowing how?