Saturday, August 29, 2009

goodbye friend

me write pretty once...

i was waiting on the call, don't ask me why, i did not know who. i just knew.

you were gone.

years have passed since we last talked. the implosion that left families laying in the wreckage. just last month i threw out the last letter you gave me ordering strict silence in my leaving, a final release as it clunked heavy against the cold, hard bottom of the trash can.

i will always recall the lunch that changed the direction of my life, calling to the deep longing within me. i will remember you for that and who you were before.

in some ways you will always be my pastor.

goodbye old friend.
______

we were waiting on this day, for the last six months. knowing it would come, no matter how we tried to hold it back.

its time for me to go.

i watched you grow up to be the boy you were on the outside, on the inside as well. anger has flown the coop, and a wonderful child has learned to play, to be there for his mother, to be the young man we always knew was there.

i will remember hard days when you yelled, throwing things against the wall to keep from getting out of bed. i will remember you for who you are after.

in some ways you will always be my student.

goodbye new friend.
______
me write pretty once...
because you were part of my story...
but not today.

46 comments:

The Dark Lord said...

Sometimes.. a "goodbye" can be the most difficult act.. Specially ones that bid a final farewell.. and we know there's no commng back..

And then life goes on, and we move on.. with nostalgic fragments that somehow, somewhere never really abandons us..

Harnett-Hargrove said...

Somehow the frame freezes on the best of times.
I'm in a quandary...
-Jayne

Daniel said...

Not sure I understand the full story here. Is this a goodbye to a person, to a feeling, to an attitude? In some lines it seems a welcome goodbye, in others a sense true depth of sadness.

Brian Miller said...

a twist of two goodbyes today...i had a feeling this morning that someone was dead. i rather jumpedwhen my mom called...but that was not it...though i told her. then the phone rang and the pastor of the first church i served at had died at 46...sad. today was also the last day with a little boy i have worked with for the last 6 months...an amazing special boy...it was a happy and sad moment of parting...the jangling of phrases...happy and sad probably best capture my emotions today...as they ebb and flow, mixing into each other...

only a movie said...

Good bye is difficult. I try to remember that all relationships are eternal. Doesn't make it any easier sometimes.

Sande said...

Change of seasons ... seems to be happening for a lot of people I know. New things in and old doors closing.

Ironic that we love the comfort of the old but crave the happening of the new too.

Beth said...

I think about death often - not in a morbid way but as a way to remind me we only have each other for a little while. It never feels like long enough. Yet, there are never any guarantees for more time.

My heart goes out to you...

willow said...

This was so achingly compelling to me Brian. I know this kind of pain and am looking forward to a final release.

otin said...

Although I was confused, I was confused because I could not decipher whether or not this was sad or angry or happy! I guess you got the point across if that is how I read it! Your like the vastness of space, Very deep! :)

Wings said...

Definitely helped to go back and reread after your comment about who the who was. Very nice.

Kate Hanley said...

It was at first frustratingly fascinating as I did not know who you were talking about until I read your explanation in the comments and while I understood it better I rather enjoyed being frustratingly fascinated. It's as if we're supposed to own it and think of good byes we had said. Hmm....

lakeviewer said...

Goodbyes are always hard.

Baino said...

Thanks for explaining it Brian. I couldn't work out what the underlying meaning was. Sorry to hear about your pastor. 46 is too young just too young

Alix said...

Love your expression of difficult emotions. And I appreciated your explanation... made it clear.

Kay said...

he will always be the constant, wonderful write!

blueviolet said...

Saying goodbye is never easy and sometimes the flood of memories that comes with it makes the experience all the more painful.

Susan B. at warmchocmilk said...

I am impressed! You are very talented. I've enjoyed reading some of your posts. Thanks for stopping by my blog from David's authorblog. Nice to "meet" you.

Betsy said...

OH gosh...I can change the people in your poem and keep the rest the same. Always wishing something could be different but being chastised in my begging for it. I haven't said goodbye yet, but they have. Still holding on to a thread of hope that reconciliation will come. Goodbye would certainly be easier.

Kathy's Klothesline said...

Even before I read the explanation, your words struck a chord in my heart. Always a longing for things to stay the same, all the while eager to move forward. Inner conflict of the ages?

The Revelationist said...

The emotions flowed out of this piece; I just got a little lost in the context so I was glad of your comment explanation to help me understand.

Joanna Jenkins said...

That one left me with a big sigh at the end.
How sad for your young Pastor and his family.
xo

Pastor Sharon said...

Brian,
This is lovely. It is very interesting how good-byes leave memories with us, feelings of depth that can only be filled through the space of time.

Lorraine said...

I'm breathless...so beautiful, so sorrowful, so gracefully written. I offer, prayers.

Amy said...

This one was pretty deep, I was thankful for the explaination, as well.
Sounds like a pretty rough day of endings. I guess that only leaves room now for the beginning of new chapters.

Thanking of you today Brian!

Cinnamon said...

There are always good and and bad things to remember about people. Thank goodness we don't have to do the judging.

you always write pretty :) I have no doubt you have had a lasting impact on the boy's life in a way that only the most empathic teachers can have.

Goofball said...

due to the different time zones, you always post while I'm sleeping and then I see your update while still struggling to clear the sleepiness out of my head.

I must say this also one of the posts that needs some cups of coffee to try to grasp.

But I feel the feeling after a goodbye, the sitting in the sofa reflecting upon past times, times that are not coming back.

Candie Bracci said...

I know that kind of feeling,I know that kind of writing.People come and people go,that is really sad but we cannot stop those things.But we got to remember that for a death,there is a birth.The cycle of life.Love to you.That was really deep Brian.And goodbye does not mean the end..well that's what I think.

imac said...

Very Touching and Heartfelt.
Wonderful words and post Brian.

Thanks for your visit and congrats, also your comments.

Valerie said...

Death, though sad, recreates treasured memories to reflect on, to store, to relive, to love.
I feel for you in your sadness, Brian.

subtorp77 said...

Brian, I get the same feelings, even ere the phone rings. Weird huh?

Otin said...

I saw your name on some of those awards somewhere, don't you have a few backed up? :)

smiles4u said...

I just found your place here recently and must say you write quite well. Your words can be quite profound actually. Your words in saying goodbye really touched me today. I am sorry about your loss of this friend. I am sure this boy will miss you too!

Hit 40 said...

I saw in your comment that you knew some one died. Amazing how you can just know when something happens! I have had dreams about a person just before they die. Kinda strange.

I thought one was going to die last year that I had a vivid dream about. Fortunately, she is still very much alive.

Dot-Com said...

I always try to turn a goodbye into a goodnight. It's tough when something ends.

Hilary said...

Goodbyes are always difficult = at least in some ways. I'm sorry for the loss of your friend.

Nancy said...

Hmmm beautiful words, sad.

Madame DeFarge said...

Lovely words and very moving. I'm fearful of goodbyes, always wanting them to be happy and well meant, just in case it's the last one. I find it hard to part on poor terms with anyone important to me.

New England Girl said...

Beautifully written. Goodbyes are so difficult to express, and yet yours is expressed so elegantly. I'm sorry to hear about your losses.

Ronda Laveen said...

Two very moving partings revealed here. One life ending, one life moving on, and one life connecting them.

SandyCarlson said...

An interesting blending. The theme of good-bye in one person's life can accrete in this way. Well done.

TechnoBabe said...

Lots of mixed feelings for you in the overlapping sequence of life.

Brian Miller said...

thanks for all the love..a tough day yesterday....you gave me plenty of smiles.

JOHN said...

I had to read this twice.You threw out the last letter.Was is time to move foreward and not look back.Sounds like you cared deeply for this Pastor.But now you came into your own.
Thanks fo sharing
GOD BLESS
BRO. JOHN

Vodka Mom said...

that touched me.


Death is such an integral, painful part of our lives. And she's a forgiving *&@& that stalks us quietly as we quickly dodge her stare.

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

You brilliantly conveyed all the mixed feelings you were experiencing...goodbye, for whatever reason, is never easy.

The Retired One said...

You know, sometimes someone who you don't think means that much in your life really makes you reach a critical decision, or emotion right when you needed it.
I have been saddened to depths that surprised me when I hear of someone passing that I didn't think I was that close to.
The finality strikes you that you are never going to get the chance for them to enrich your life any longer and it causes pain.
Some goodbyes, even though expected are on the same level. Great melancholy strikes without warning.
Part of the human condition, which shows you have a huge heart!