Thursday, June 11, 2009

Hazard

Botetourt County is about as close to Hazard as it gets, at least it used to be before a higher class of red necks moved in with their Latte's and Wine shops. Winn-Dixie is no longer the only grocery store, and there is not an Esso fillin' station in sight, but in it's day it was a place of front porches and family get togethers on Sunday. It's where I grew up. On Friday nights, boys learned how to be...well, boys.

Engine whining, wheels gripped wet asphalt, propelling us toward manhood, around the next corner. Built up railroad tracks enticed and gave opportunity to play Duke in this Hazard. We had always wondered if it would work. Could we bend the laws of physics and fly, for even a brief moment?

Pinned to the floor, the accellerator begged for mercy, but received little from Charlie. Vibrations, horses straining against their restraint, found their way up through my passenger seat. My cousin cheering us ever faster from the back. Hesitation, ever puckering, as the front wheels raced up the incline, clawing for purchase in empty air...

This is the part in The Dukes of Hazard where the Narrator would cut in with some witty comment like "Those Duke boys were so busy fooling old Roscoe, they did not notice the ladies from the Hazard County Crochet and Knitting Club letting out of their party. Looks like they are about to get all sewed up." Only in this case, he would probably be saying something about the green van coming up the other side of the railroad crossing...

False teeth dropped from gaping jaws, mingling with fast food wrappers littering the black rubber mats of the floorboard. Saucer like eyes met three pair staring down from the streaking silver missile. Orange sparks flared as metal scraped furrows in the road, and tail lights escaped into the night.

We flew. Charlie's car never really ran the same after that. The county evened out the railroad tracks after reports of a "silver UFO looking thang." Charlie sells debt consolidations. Mike writes songs. Me, I just try to keep my boys entertained with better things to do on Fridays, and give a little more sense than I had.

Have a great weekend ya'll!

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

FINALLY. I've been waiting on this one...

Narrator: "Ever felt like every orifice of your body could pucker all at once? Imagine all of them puckering... at Once. Even your belly button. Now try to swallow. Hard to do ain't it?"

I'm fully convinced I'd be a fully ordained Baptist Minister right now if I didn't have a relation to you.

We caught some serious air though.

It is funny that they've flattened that track crossing out now. I like to think we had a part in that. Helps me sleep at night. Benefited Humanity in a wholesome way.

Don't you ever tell my Son about that though. Ever.

-DF

Ronda Laveen said...

That pedal didn't deserve mercy. I firmly believe that. You will never believe what I have given up for the love of tires spinin' on asphalt. Well...maybe you would but whatever I put out was worth every second of fourth gear and flying through the night, especially if the car was not my own. Amen, brother. Amen. I may be old but I have a memory and still can slam a gear like nobodies business. Meet you on the line?

Cinnamon said...

Ha! You wait till your boys are burning the asphalt! You won't be able to say a thing!

Daniel said...

Brian, this explains a lot. Just good 'ol boys, never meanin' no harm?
Yeah, right. You and your gang out scaring the poo out of the blue hairs. My my.

Lorraine said...

Superb, betcha the Dukes would love every word...when you have time, besides looking after the boys, do you write, professionally? You should :)

Mrsupole said...

Yes, we grew up putting the pedal to the metal. When I was visiting with my grandfather in Illinois and we drove to Ohio, we really had fun doing that. During that time the speed limit was "As fast as was safe." Oh those were the days.

Then driving through Texas at over 140mph, oh my goodness, that was fun. Not safe, but fun. I will not even admit to how fast I have gone while driving to Vegas or Laughlin. I have now slowed down to another speed, that I cannot also admit to. But it is slower than before. My lips are sealed.

And I too have gone flying in the air. It hurts when you land, is all I will say.

God bles.

subtorp77 said...

Brian, just don't let the boys watch "Hooper"...the Duke Boys were zany enough!

Brian Miller said...

@df - fun times, i sometimes wonder what we were thinking...puckering is correct...

@mrsu - it does hurt when you land! i needed you last night to help me add a moral to this story. now i have it...temptation in the moment leads to hurts on the "back end"

we'll help you keep your anonymity. you never know the cops may be lurking around here. been looking for me...

@ronda - yeah, meet you there. lol.

@cinamon -i'm going to play the "i tried it and know how bad it hurts" card...all for their protection of course.

@daniel - yeah, i repent daily on it. one of these days i will get absolution.

@lorraine - thanks, alas no. i write for fun now. working on my first book though...i am a mild mannered counselor by day, mad blogger by night and a hubby and dad in between.

Poetikat said...

Excellent! My favourite line had to be the "horses straining against their restraint". That was genius.

Kat

Rain said...

Hi Brian! That was a great post! You crazy boys.... :)

Verily I go. said...

What were you thinking? Exactly. I am laughing in my clean pants. I was the one screaming in mid-air (you needed that 'special effect'). AGAIN..AGAIN!