Monday, June 15, 2009


Crumpled in a pile, little hands holding head together, as rivulets of blood seaped through. Wailing for absolution from the pain.

We are at the hospital. Logan fell off the stairs. There was so much blood, I did not know what to do. Get here when you can.

These moments bring a clarity of focus that passes understanding. How it happened seems lost in the desire to see him alive and healthy. It is only much later after scans, rays and stitches that we begin to wonder...

I accidentally fell off the stairs and went bounce, bounce on the big rubber container and then just flew into the post [of the stair railing].

Accidentally...bounce, bounce...hmmm....after two years, the scar stands in remembrance.

Just the other day, laying in their bedroom watching a video. Brother sick in his bed drifting in and out of conciousness, anxious squirmings overcame Logan. Peering over the precipice between his bed and floor, he leaned as much of his body as he could, belayed by my shirt tail. Gravity gripped him as his legs slid ever closer to the edge, caught short by my quick grab.

Didn't you know you would fall?

I had ahold of you. I knew you would catch me.

How quickly we forget lessons learned in our falls, that sometimes we are not caught. Sometimes we are left to our own folly, not because we are not loved, but because we are.

It would be nice if someone was there to make every decision for us, then we would have an easy target to blame. Looking for grace from our poor decisions, not for them...we still have to own the outcomes.



BenMester said...

Man, that must have been a scary experience. Sometimes it would be nice if someone was always there to keep me from acting like a fool :) But I agree with you, in the long run it's better to learn from our mistakes.

Lover of Life said...

That is so true. But we always want to catch them, don't we? Even though we know some of our best lessons are not easily learned.

Candie Bracci said...

Great words Brian!The picture is awesome too!
I think you're a great teacher of life for your kids and the grown-ups also!Have a nice day :)

Daniel said...

Bounce, bounce, thud. I have panic attacks whenever I think about my little one hurting herself. I so want to protect her from any harm that I make myself crazy at times. Can't save her every time though, but not for lack of trying!

Lorraine said...

Oh Gosh, does anything hurt more? We know life will hurt them, and we know we have to let them be hurt and letting go of that need is the hardest in the world. They have to live their pain and we have to silently bear. This is so beautiful Brian, you 3 look like the 3 muskeeters, all so handsome and safe!

otin said...

Gave me chills, because there were a few instances in my life where I was at the hospital with someone like that, and it is very scary! My brother had 100 stitches in his face because I was chasing him and he fell through a glass door. I still feel guilty!

Lola said...

I'm glad your little cub is OK, you must have aged 10 years in those fearful moments at the hospital, driving there helpless.

It's hard enough as adults to learn from our mistakes, imagine as puppies, our memory span so short and our thirst for adventure - while seeking all things NEW - so strong.

And then later, you caught him!

Lola xx

PS Congrats on POTD, fellow contender! :)

Wings said...

For years I would freak out when my kids went on staircases, after the littlest one fell down one and fractured his collar bone. Has my son learned a lesson? Judging from the new scar on his head 9 years later, nope!

Great piece, Brian! Hope the little one is feeling better!

Travel & Dive Girl said...

Letting go doesn't get any easier even as they age - there are just new "stairs" we wish we could protect them from.

Great photo!

Mrsupole said...

All these things that happen are scarey and sometimes there is nothing we can do to stop them. Our parents went through the same thing and their parents before that. This is one of the cycles of life.

Only thing is I still fall, I tripped over a rock and fell, bamm, my head hit the street in about 2 seconds. My balance has never been the same. They did MRI's and other tests but never found anything wrong. But I know that something is not quite right.

I am a little touched in the head now. That is all it can be. I trip and fall as much as a child does. I do not get hurt as bad it seems, but my equilibriam is off kilter somehow. My ears always ring. But this is a life cycle again.

Pic of you and the boys is sooooooooo cute.

God bless.

Brian Miller said...

@ben - yeah, there are certain things i really try to protect them from, others it seems better to let them live a bit. he was on his own for the stair plunge as i was traveling back from the mountains when i got that phone call. def scary!

@lover of life - easy to shelter them, harder when they start life on their own...but yes the urge to catch them when they fall.

@candi - thanks, i try, while i have them...but honestly they teach me as much as i try to give them...

@daniel - try as we might...there is never a more sickening feeling than the sound of the thud...

@lorraine - too's hard, but think at times they catch on...others make me wonder.

@otin - ouch! you know it was probably the doors fault for being in the way. 100!

@lola - still live in that i understand where they get it...reliving my childhood through them. Congrats on the POTD nomination as well. Knew I was in good company when I saw that. smiles.

@wings - some lessons take a life time to learn. where is the new scar from?

@travel - yes, some of those stairs i am not looking forward to...

@mrsu - i think my parents wished this on me after what i put them through. think we all continue to fall well passed when we learn to walk and run. yours i think is a little more literal though, sorry to hear. be careful. yeah, that was a fun photo on Logans last day of school. He wanted to dress up so we all played along.

Sujatha said...

I love the way you lay out your posts. I would have written about a similar experience so differently. I admire your ability to frame a story the way you do. So glad your son is all right.

Thanks for visiting my blog and I hope you will come back.

Ronda Laveen said...

With out some bouncin' there be no good learnin.'
Through some bounces we learn to back off. From others we learn that we need to persevere or invent new ways of attacking a problem. Nice post.

Also, Re: my Thunder Dog post. So far you are the only one who caught my comic book references of Thor and Wolverine. But there is one more you haven't noticed yet:) I got 3 into one post!

Poetikat said...

Oh my gosh! Your little boys look like "little divils" as my mom would say. They've got the dickens in them. So cute, the three of you!

Sweet post, Brian.


tony said...

When Chris was about 7 he started roaming safely alone around our Street.I knew he liked to walk (tightrope-like) on a particular wall with a steep drop on the otherside.I didnt want to stop his roaming but worried about the possible fall ..........On Balance (pun) i decided not stop his roaming realising you cant prevent every Instance of Gravity!I learned to live with the worry.........He was ok & never fell.
Ironically the Worst Instance of injury was when he was 5.When younger,he used to love piggy-backs.By age 5 he was getting a tad heavy.One day I gave him a piggy-back........We ran up a steep grassy slope way too fast!It had been raining.the grass was wet....I slipped.We fell.I broke 2 ribs !!!!!

willow said...

Oh, man, we were always taking our oldest son to the ER for stitches. He was SO accident prone.

Another thought provoking post, Brian.

Handsome father/sons pic!!!

subtorp77 said...

My accident-prone brother did this at my auntie's house way back when. Slipped on the rug and down he went...into...the...iron...railing! Took five stiches to close the wound! Eventually, the scar may heal over. My brother's did.

Baino said...

I think some kids are accident prone and others not. I've been lucky with mind but you're right, there's a fine line between letting them experience life and wanting to wrap them in cotton wool. Then both mine, big as they are, know I have a hold of them and that I will catch them . . .even if it takes my dying breath to do so!

books,coffee,etc.... said...

Hi! Brian,
I see what direction you are going with this post!...If only we could protect our loves ones from all harm for eternity, but I believe that is impossible! but we can all hope!
I agree with the other commenters...Nice pic!
of you, with your sons.
Thanks, for sharing!
DeeDee ;-D

Brian Miller said...

@sujatha - your piece ripped my heart out...thanks for the honor of stopping by...

@ronda - true, each experience can be mined for multiple learnings...ones we need in each situation. i tried to go backa nd find the other one. let me know how i did.

@poetikat - little divils describes them well. haha.

@tony - thanks for sharing your story...broken ribs ehh... sometimes us dads can be little kids ourselves. hope they healed well...

@willow - ty. there was a 6 month stretch when we were there 3 times...the hospital now has my second

@subby - scars collected like baseball cards...mine still ablazens my leg...barb wire

@baino - walking that fine line...i would die for my kids as well...(tears)

@dee dee - try as we may it is impossible...ty. have a great thursday!

Sujatha said...

Hi Brian, I think you might be referring to Sujata (without the 'h', who wrote about the Syrian lady being abused by her husband). It was a powerful piece, wasn't it? I came over here via Lola and you stopped by on my blog through her award post. :)


Brian Miller said...

@sujatha - open mouth, insert foot. so sorry. it was a powerful piece. thanks for stopping by. sorry about the mix up.

mouse (aka kimy) said...

oh the portrait of you and your boys is absolutely priceless - it captures soooooo much! it makes me smile, I may just have to copy it to print it off for when I need a to add a bounce to my step!