Saturday, January 24, 2009


PTA Bingo Night. When you rise victorious to take home the gold, or lie whimpering under the cafeteria table, clutching your ripped up Bingo cards. The lucky few would take home such treasures as free pizza or movie coupons, a "TV for Cats" DVD (mildly disturbing), costume jewelry, a water snake and much, much more.

The crowd was rather raucous, rivaling an NFL playoff game, moaning or yelling with each new ball called. I really did not think I would get into this as much as I did, but the closer I came to winning the higher the stakes became. Watching as they checked the winners cards to make sure they did not cheat, I only needed one more spot. Why won't he call my number? Are the fates against me?

Ok, really it's only Bingo, my life did not come crashing down around me when I did not win. But sometimes life feels like the Bingo game. For the most part everything is good, there is just one thing I still need. There is only one space left to be filled...maybe it's a desire to have a child, maybe it is achieving a certain position at work, maybe it's finishing college, getting get my point.

The absence of that one thing can ruin everything else that is good. In my case, my desire to have my family with me. We still have yet to sell the house and for the foreseeable future don't see a way to fill that gap. At times, I feel desperately out of control, just wanting to "fix it." If I let it, I can let that one thing consume me. It can make life chaos.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. ~Philippians 4:6-7

Why is it that it is so hard to "not be anxious"? Maybe because I still want to be in control. I want the results and want them now. I want to feel like I have some say in how my life turns out. Which only leaves me anxious, without peace. Peace. Not a lack of concern, but real peace in the midst of the storm, knowing God is in control.

God. Help me find that peace.


Daniel said...

I understand at some level what you are going through. Being away from the ones you love and that love you is torture. I am amazed at how well you seem to find ways to get through and not give up or give in. I will continue to pray for you in this regard.

Mom said...

God has a plan for you and your family. Keep your faith in Him and know that in His time He will reveal His long term plan for your family. He hears your prayers and all of those prayers from those of us that pray with you. We love you.

Rob said...

I'm praying your house sells quickly.